Monday Update: Running Out of Gas

Gentlemen,

If I'm being honest, I really don't want to write this right now... It's Sunday night. I'm exhausted from the weekend*. I spent all day putting up TWO Christmas trees, fighting stupid  bullshit not-working lights every step of the way. And now I've got five busy days of work staring at me and I really would like to crawl into bed.

(Not to mention, I felt good going into the night game with Cobb and GB D, and instead they basically cancel each other out while Tynes runs away with the victory for Fred. Goddammit, now Coconuts is going to be in 1st, which is just sick and wrong.)

Alas... the season is almost over, especially for those of you with only one week left. It would be a waste to come this far and not finish. Although it appears that much of the drama has been removed from our final week of the season, it would be a shame not to cross the finish line with our heads held high. 

Fill up the tank once more, and let's close this thing out strong.

*No one tells you this, but those relaxing holiday breaks I used to look forward to don't exist anymore. With a kid, they're more tiring than going to work. And having to haul his ass all over town to see everyone is a big to-do. Me sleepy.

The Vikings

I've been on repeat here for a while. Ponder continues to play like shit and hasn't looked like the answer at QB since the first month of the season. He continues to regress and if it doesn't change, it's going to be a very interesting offseason for lots of people at Winter Park.

Ponder's not the only issue, but he's the biggest. I'm not one that is cutting him slack because of his lack of WR options. The QB makes the WR's, not the other way around. 

The Gophers

Watched zero of this game. Sounds like I spared myself.

Cracker's College Football Corner

Long questions coming today...

1. Let's just skip the game recap, unless you feel there is something to call out that is missing from the box score/columns. How should fans feel about this team at this point? Has progress been made, and if so, where?

They're better than last year but at this point we've shown that our defense can't hold up against power running teams and Nelson seems to have regressed the last few weeks (although in his defense, the best 3 defenses we faced all year were in the last 4 weeks of the season).  I still point to the fact that we're starting 9 underclassman on offense as a sign that things should get better.

2. Is Jerry Kill the right coach for this team right now? Between the UNC mess, the Barker situation, the seizures, and the lack of offensive growth (which I thought was supposed to be his bread and butter), the shine has worn off of our likable "aw shucks" head coach. And spare me the "it's only been 2 seasons" company line - is this the right guy to make us a better team?

I think you're overreacting.  You fire guys like Colorado coach Jon Embree after two years because they are 4-21 overall and 1-11 in year 2 including losses this year to DI-AA Sacramento State, a 55 point loss to Fresno State and an average margin of 48-17 in games against conference opponents with only two that were within 25 points.  In his first year he was outscored by an average of 17.5 in conference games; in year two he was outscored by an average of 30.7 in conference games.  Minnesota meanwhile improved their in-conference margin of defeat to 10.4 from 17.9 with the largest margin of defeat at 25 whereas last year we lost 4 conference games by more than 25. 

As for the things you mentioned as strikes against him, the "UNC mess" is just talk radio needing to find something to talk about.  Don't get me wrong, I'm annoyed by it because I wanted to go to Chapel Hill for the game but it doesn't reflect ability of a person to coach or progress of a team or program.  Paying the buyout is primarily a waste of money from donors and athletic department revenue which we were clearly willing to waste.  That is more on the AD agreeing to it than the coach asking for it.  The Barker situation also doesn't reflect coaching ability.  If you ask me it just reflects a combination of immaturity from a player combined with a coach doing a poor job of reading and managing a player's personality.  If Kill actually was found to have abused him beyond yelling at him it may be a different story.  His epilepsy and seizures were known when he was hired.  I don't think his medical condition is a fireable offense and while it has been a distraction his staff really hasn't seemed to skip a beat when dealing with it. 

The one things you mentioned that is actually coaching related (and fwiw Kill's specialty was defense rather than offense), yes, the offense has been anemic at times and only scored more than 20 once in conference games.  But as I mentioned we're starting 9 underclassmen including a true freshman QB.  When you do that you're going to take your lumps and that is especially true when facing a top 10 defense.  I'm not happy about the progress at certain points throughout the season or in the last two weeks in particular but I think you'll learn a lot about this team and the coaching staff in the bowl game when we hopefully have the chance to get some guys back healthy and get a lot more developmental type practices with younger players.  If you don't see improvement with 15 additional practices before the bowl game then you can sound alarms.

At some point in the future, Whitey and I may need a Point-Counterpoint debate integrated into this. While I trust him when it comes to being knowledgeable about the Gophers team (much more than me), one can't read this and not feel as though he's seeing the world through maroon and gold glasses.

To me, the UNC thing is more than just talk radio fodder (we can get into it at the bar tonight) and he and I will probably have to agree to disagree on it. I do agree that Barker's situation is more on him than the coach, but when you combine it with our horrible in-conference performances, and sprinkle in a couple seizures here and there, I don't see how it doesn't affect recruiting. To put it another way, it's certainly not going to help at all, so the best scenario is it has zero affect. And if you believe that to be the case, then you're an extreme optimist. When it comes to the Gophers, I certainly am not.

3. Alright, what craptastic bowl are we going to be in, and who are we playing? I'll buy you a beer if you get these right.

We will likely play in the Meineke Car Care Bowl in Houston although it could also be the Heart of Dallas Bowl.  I struggle to believe a bowl would pick a coachless Purdue team over Minnesota so my guess is Houston.  Likely opponents would be Baylor, Texas Tech or Iowa State.

4. So it's Notre Dame versus the Alabama-Georgia winner, yes? Does Notre Dame have a chance against either?

Unfortunately, yes, for the second straight year we have a BCS Championship game where we will be annoyed by either outcome and the fans that come with it.

Team Names

Kind of a fun week for team names. I've heard a lot of these, but some were new to me.

***VOTE IN SIDEBAR***

BEST: I'm going with Help Me Understand, mostly because it's widely used at TGT. And Kenny's description is 100% accurate. Also, I know I'm guilty of using it... "Help me understand what the fuck you're talking about. I don't speak idiot."

WORST: accronyms. First of all, spellcheck exists everywhere - take advantage of it. Second of all, while my company does attempt to abbreviate EVERYTHING, I really don't mind acronyms on most occasions. They're kinda like nicknames, which I'm in favor of.

What say YOU, boys?

Team Name Topic

This week's topic is a doozy from JoJo. Since this is the last regular season week, this is possibly the last week all ten of us participate, as many of you stop caring once you're out of it. In fact, this week could already be too late... but let's try.

A couple weeks ago, when I asked about ideas for team names, this was JoJo's response in the comments:

choose a movie villain that portrays your opponent. How can I better explain this? If I was playing Crabs this week, I would choose Jabba the Hut.

Sorry to whoever is playing Crabs this week, as JoJo has already stolen your thunder... This should be damn fun.

The Games

Three games are already final, and the other two are basically over... unless Gow can manage 50 points tonight. Here's the Cliff Notes version:

JoJo beats Jerks: 108-97

• Fuck you, Packers D.

Coconuts beats Crapswell: 115-71

• Juan is gaining confidence. He texted me last night basically saying "Hope you enjoyed your time in 1st Place."

K. Hana beats Dallus: 98.12-96.50

• Kenny's season was basically saved (and Dallus' ruined) on that crazy Ray Rice play. I'll let Dallus explain a little more below.

Crabs leads (and will beat) Whitebread: 96-69

• Whitey's season mercifully ends on the back of Ronnie Hillman.

Titwarmer leads Gow: 112-74

• Playing for pride, Ned puts Gow's season in jeopardy.
• Gow still has Cam Newton and something called Bryce Brown tonight.

Projected Standings

So given those results, where will we stand tomorrow, assuming Gow doesn't pull off a miracle?

Place	Team	Record	Points
1st	Coconuts	8-4	1268
2nd	Jerks	8-4	1242
3rd	JoJo	7-5	1194
4th	Crabs	7-5	1123
5th	Crapswell	6-6	1118
6th	K. Hana	6-6	1097
7th	Gow	6-6	1070
8th	Dallus	4-8	1137
9th	Ned	4-8	1081
10th	Whitebread	4-8	1019

A couple of notable changes here:

• As I alluded to earlier, we have a new leader. And unless I'm mistaken, it's the first time in the history of our league that Coconuts has sat in 1st place (not including after Week 1 or 2).
• Coconuts and I look to be the recipients of First Round Byes next week, but JoJo is certainly still in contention for one. If I lost and he managed to smoke my point total by about 50 or so, I'd be playing next week. The thought of that happening made me shart myself.
• JoJo and Crabs have assuredly locked up playoff spots at this point. Not sure if they'll get the fun * next to their names tomorrow, but they're effectively in at this point.
• Dallus, Ned, and Whitebread are all done. Or at least their chances of making the postseason are no more. The big battle now is avoiding the L'Ass'T Place Trophy. 
• And the most interesting piece of all this will be the fight for the final 2 playoff spots. Your contenders are: Crapswell, Kenny, and Gow. If they started today (or technically tomorrow), Gow would be out, assuming his massive comeback doesn't happen tonight. But this really all comes down to next week, so let's check the schedule...

***Update at 3:40pm CST***
I just realized something... Gow's point total is only 27 points behind Kenny. Thus, with just decent nights from Cam & Brown, he could actually leapfrog into 6th place, putting Kenny on the outside going into the final week. Either way, these two will be much closer in points, putting that much more pressure on next week's matchup.

Week 13 Schedule

• Jerks vs. Whitebread
• Crapswell vs. JoJo
• Coconuts vs. Kenny
• Gow vs. Crabs
• Dallus vs. Ned

So, what's that tell us? All three 6-6 teams have challenging matchups next week. Crapswell and Gow are going against two 7-5 teams who will be jockeying for playoff positioning and potentially fighting for a bye... And Kenny will square off against the 1st Place team, who is very much focused on ending the season on top of the leader board. 

An Obit for Dallus' Team 

by Dick Dallus

Per the texts I received yesterday...

This afternoon was a heartbreaking way to get knocked from playoff contention... had a 10 point buffer going against Crosby tonight until Sproles got 35 yards on a garbage 2nd to last play of the game.  

And San Diego couldn't stop the 4th and 29, which was followed by Torrey Smith getting 3 more points in OT. 

And the Jets scored a garbage time TD on Thursday that knocked 3 points from the Pats D. Ken truly J'd me on this one!

Tonight

I'll be there to watch this abortion of a game. 

If you like you're Eagles in primetime, get excited because they're on next Sunday night too. Nice Flex Game, NFl.

I'm hoping to have a Power Rankings post up later this week, so you can all dabble into the minutia and lame stats I keep record of.

Sorry for the lack of nonsense this week... I'll try to do better for Week 13. Like with Dallus' obit, the more fodder you can send me, the better. Links, texts complaining/bitching, stories, pictures funny stuff - I'll incorporate it all.

For example, here's a picture of young JoJo and McNally (before he got fat) playing Risk at Oxford:

See you tonight, boys.