Monday Update: What You Play For

Gentlemen,

That is such a great speech in the middle of a really dumb movie.

THAT'S GONNA MAKE THE FUCKIN' DIFFERENCE BETWEEN WINNING AND LOSING, BETWEEN LIVING AND DYING!

The time is finally here. The playoffs are about to begin. The entire season is a precursor, a demanding trial for the right to be here right now. Everything that has happened the previous 13 weeks no longer matters. It was simply prerequisite for the right to play this week.

If you can muster up 3 more wins (or in Gow/Dallus case, just 2), you will earn the right to be called "champion". Your name will be engraved on the trophy (which will one day be purchased...) and it can never be removed.

Can you feel the excitement???

Now... four of you are no longer with us, some mercifully thankful to be done. That is the cost of the regular season - 4 teams do not earn this chance. And that makes this a sad day for us all. Not only have we lost 4 brethren, but it means the end is very near for us all as well.

Coconuts*, Whitebread**, Crabs, and Titwarmer*** - your season ends today. Godspeed.

* Coconuts is your winner of the L'Ass'T Place Trophy. After being in the Championship game for the past 2 seasons, Coconuts is back in familiar territory. I believe this is his third or fourth L'Ass'T Place. How do you feel about that Juan?

** There was a time when I thought one of the stronger fantasy players in our league was Whitebread. He claims a championship from before this league was formed. He had probably the best team I ever saw lose to Mark Brunell. He was a mainstay in the postseason. When he spoke, he seemed to know what he was talking about... But right now, that is all ancient history. The last time Cracker made the playoffs was 2009 - the year Obama was inaugurated and that dude landed a plan on the Hudson. Make sure you remind him of that when he's cocking off at next year's draft.

*** There still exists a very small chance that Ned slips in. This would involve Gow picking up a WR in tonight's game and said player scoring 26 points. Gow has already told me he's not going to do so, but want to be transparent about this.

For the rest of you... this is what we play for. As Mike Tice once said, "Enjoy the season." Only one of us is going to win this thing. But we made it this far. If you can't have fun playing this game with the elevated stakes, then why play?

Good luck to you all, except whoever plays me. I hope your team dies in a fiery plane crash.

Yes, all of them. Separate plane crashes. Not a terrorist attack, just coincidental terrible piloting decisions.

And any players that I have on said planes are still ok. Really flukey.

Please note: the GIF above is actually a test plane, intended to crash. I actually googled "Fiery plane" to see what was out there. It turns out there's a lot. But when you watch them, they are definitely not what I would deem to be "funny" considering ... you know ... people are dying.

Ok I only hope all your players get seriously injured in said plane crashes.

The Games
NOTE: I'm going to do a playoff preview tomorrow or Wednesday, touching on each team. It will also include full-season Power Rankings. Because of this, I don't want to get too much into projected playoff stuff here. Just a review of the regular season finale.

Jerks (147.44) defeats Gow (121.56), or does he? Gow benched Roddy yesterday when news broke that he was OUT. That allows him the opportunity to swap anyone on his bench for a WR playing tonight, if we wants. The only available WR projected to score more than 0.0pts is Brian Hartline. Assuming this result holds, it will have saved my season and put me in the final playoff spot. Gow has the #1 seed locked up.

Crabs (112.46) currently leads Titwarmer (105.34), a result likely to change after tonight. Ned still has Tannehill and Wallace playing tonight, while Crabs has something called Caleb Sturgis. Ned is an 84% favorite, which if all results hold would make him the first above-.500 team to NOT make the postseason since we went to 6 teams.

Crapswell (150.82) edges Dallus (140.20) in matchup the featured two destined playoff teams. This could very likely be a preview of a semifinal next week. Andy has quietly built himself into a serious contender.

Also, rumor has it Andy was texting Gow trying to convince him to pick someone up to knock me out of the playoffs. Hey Andy...

Fredricks (177.90) destroys Coconuts (94.54), mercifully putting him out of his 2014 FF misery. Juan got 40 points from DeAnde Hopkins and still managed to be nowhere near close to winning. Bill has an outside chance to hit 200pts, which would be the highest single-week total of the season.

Kenni (123.06) leads Whitebread (102.88). Whitebread still has Chris Ivory playing tonight, but Yahoo calls this one 99% for Kenni. I do not agree with those odds, although I still think Kenni is the favorite. Should Whitey actually pull this out, Kenni would fall down to the 6th seed.

Tomorrow's Standings

Should Yahoo's projections hold, here would be the final regular season standings:

Place	Team	Record
1st	Gow	9-4
2nd	Dallus	8-5
3rd	Crapswell	8-5
4th	Kenni	8-5
5th	Fredricks	7-6
6th	Jerks	7-6
7th	Titwarmer	7-6
8th	Crabs	5-8
9th	Whitebread	3-10
10th	Coconuts	3-10

I just want to point out a couple teams here... At separate points throughout the season:

• Bill was 1-5
• Andy was 2-4
• Ned was 2-6

Every season I stress the importance of not giving up, continuing to fight, and playing to the last game - this is why. Teams and seasons do get turned around. What looks bleak midway through the season does become an afterthought come playoffs. Remember this next season when your team sucks in Week 6 and you're considering a fire sale...

Tonight

I look forward to the texts about where people are meeting.

Spoiler alert: you're meeting at BWW.

Enjoy the game, boys.

Monday Update: So... Where's the GIF's?

Gentlemen,

I'm now a dad x2, which means you're getting even less effort than usual with the Monday Update. I'm also digging out of 600+ emails, so today pretty much sucks all around.

Andy - you expressed some desire in filling-in this week... I'm doing the game recaps below, but feel free to chime-in with whatever nonsense you'd like to share.

A Quick Trade Discussion

Ok, this won't be quick, but it hasn't been had on the blog yet, so it's happening here. My goal with this is not to pull off the scabs from the trade deadline (ok, it kind of is) but to provide a better forum for discussion beyond the texts.

My stance is this... all the trades that were agreed upon were defensible and (somewhat*) reasonable, and given the late trade deadline, understandable. One team wanting to dump valuable players in favor of keepers, one team willing to let go of a keeper to boost their chances at a championship. That all makes sense to me.

*I say somewhat reasonable because I get the logic behind both sides, but the deals themselves were pretty lopsided in favor of the teams still contending. Charles, Julius, and Jeffery for essentially Benjamin is pretty unbalanced (Dallus - here's your chance to refute as you did yesterday), but that was apparently the market for decent keepers.

To me, as an example, Coconuts might have been able to sell those 3 players individually and get back more than one reasonable keep, but maybe the market just wasn't there. I don't know. I didn't have any keepers people wanted and thus couldn't get in on the bidding.

To me, keepable players were WAY overvalued at the deadline. But many of you obviously disagree with that stance. And the teams on the bottom purchasing said keepers didn't care if they were giving up 1 stud or 3 studs because they're out of contention anyway. #YOLO

A few of you wanted me to execute Commissioner control and reverse some of the deals, but that's an incredibly slippery slope. I don't really know what justification I had to do so, if both sides agreed upon a deal. And if I negate the Dallus-Coconuts deal, do I then also have to reverse the Kenni-Whitebread deal? And then also the Titwarmer-Crabs deal? Where do we draw the line?

You can make an argument about "spirit of competitive fun" (and I expect you do so, Gow) but what the hell does that actually mean in the context of the rules? If a trade is to be negated, there has to be justification to do so and it simply can't be because "Team X is getting too many good players." That's good work for Team X and a bummer for the rest of us, in my opinion.

And to those of you defending the deals as "balanced", "equal", or whatever: STOP. That is certainly not my argument, and shouldn't be your's either. Your right to make the deal is what I'm defending, not the deal itself. You played within the rules, and leveraged a situation to your advantage. But don't try to sell us all bullshit and disguise it as pumpkin pie (oblig Thanksgiving ref). We're all smarter than that, and so are you.

So rant away and let's get all this out in the open here. I know there are people that disagree with me, so let's have an active discussion and yell at each other. And at the end of all the finger-pointing and snark (OH THERE WILL BE SNARK), let's talk about what to do next season. I think most agree that moving up the trade deadline (to after Week 7 or 8) will suffice, but I've heard some dissent about that as well... Coconuts in particular thinks it won't solve the issue, but I really don't see teams on the bottom nuking their rosters with 5-6 weeks left to turn it around.

Sorry... this was anything but quick, but it's my first chance I've had to gather my thoughts about all this and I wanted to have the discussion, especially since I won't be at MNF for about a decade or so.

The Games

Jerks (146.14) beats Dallus (120.00), stopping the losing streak at four. Dez (22.6) and Demaryius (29.7) came to play and help offset Dallus getting 20 freaking points from his kicker. Dallus' team is stacked, but lack of a top-end QB may prove to be his downfall in the postseason.

Titwarmer (117.74) handles Coconuts (93.18). Amongst all the trades, Eddie Lacy may prove to be the most valuable player, and Mike Evans may end up being the best keeper next season. A very underrated move for both teams. The offseason can't get here soon enough for Coconuts.

Crapswell (95.86) leads Fredricks (82.74), in a very important matchup for playoff spots. Bill had a tough bye week with LeVeon, Cam, and others sitting. Andy's bench (96.5) outscored his starters so far with CJ Anderson, OBJ and Teddy all riding the pine. Andy still has Forsett and Orton going tonight, while Bill is praying for a monster Brees game. Andy is a 93% favorite, according to Yahoo.

Whitebread (113.04) narrowly leads Crabs (112.10), in a battle for the bottom. Or at least near the bottom. Cracker still has Ivory going, while Crabs has Flacco and Daniels. Here's what matters with this matchup. If Cracker holds on, it all but locks in Coconuts for L'ASS'T PLACE. If Crabs wins (and he needs a big night from his players), he still holds an outside shot at the playoffs. Crabs is a 90% favorite.

Kenni (121.96) leads Gow (118.52), in crucial matchup for playoff byes. Kenni still has Ingram and Torrey Smith going, while Gow is riding Buffalo D. A win for Kenni would put both byes up for grabs for three teams. If Gow were to pull it out, he would lock himself in for a Wk 15 semi-final playoff match.

Tomorrow's Standings Today

If Yahoo's projections hold, here will be the standings tomorrow, with 1 week to go:

Place	Team	Record
1st	Dallus	8-4
2nd	Gow	8-4
3rd	Kenni	8-4
4th	Crapswell	7-5
5th	Jerks	6-6
6th	Fredricks	6-6
7th	Titwarmer	6-6
8th	Crabs	5-7
9th	Whitebread	3-9
10th	Coconuts	3-9

Here's the matchups for next week:

• Gow vs. Jerks
• Dallus vs. Crapswell
• Kenni vs. Whitebread
• Fredricks vs. Coconuts
• Titwarmer vs. Crabs

A few observations:

• Kenni will need Gow or Dallus to lose because he is not winning any tiebreakers. 
• I said earlier Crabs had an outside shot, but that really is just mathematical - Crabs is not getting in the playoffs. 
• Ned is very much alive, and I'm very much at risk. 
• The range of outcomes for Andy/Bill are massive. Both have very slim shots at earning a bye, but also could miss the playoffs. The outcome of tonight's match (where Andy is a heavy favorite) is massive.
• There's a reasonable chance that an above-.500 team does not make the playoffs...would be the first time since we moved to 6 playoff teams. 

Tonight

I won't be there, probably for the rest of the season. As Andy stated, "We're gonna put you on IR". 

Whatever you guys do, I'll be texting at some point. I know you're all looking forward to it.

Have fun tonight, boys.

And Happy Thanksgiving.

Monday Update: Oh Eff You, Monday

REMINDER: TRADE DEADLINE IS THIS FRIDAY

Gentlemen,

Not doing much much funny stuff today. I'm in a mood.

This weather sucks. It took me over an hour to get to work.

My team has now lost 3 in a row, this time at the mercy of Aaron Rodgers, which makes it even more annoying. I hate Green Bay so much... did you see Costas' halftime homage to them? It made me physically ill... Literally, I'm sick today.

Andy also put me in a sour mood last night, sending me texts whining (after Rodgers had 4 TD's) that Cobb hadn't caught one yet to give him any hope of winning. Please note that he was winning when he sent this.

I'll spare you the whole conversation as I'm sure Andy will recap people tonight to try and make me look bad (as I did not respond pleasantly to him), but seriously dude... Sending whiny texts when you're actually winning and your QB is on fire is out-Dallusing Dallus.

Monday Update: Case of the Mondays

Gentlemen,

Busy day for me today, so I'm filling the space with GIF's.

Monday Update: The New Normal

Gentlemen,

Many of you (myself included) got housed this weekend. I'm not talking drunk, although I'm sure a couple of you did that too - especially after that Gopher game - but I'm referring to our FF games.

Prior to this week, the highest score for the entire season was 159.66 (Crapswell, Week 4) but the top scorer each week was oddly consistent: 150.48, 155.12, 158.4, 159.66, 156.5, 155.48, 153.16.

That all changed this week. Kenni scored 167 against me, and that was only good enough for the 3rd highest score, and might even end up 4th. Dallus put 195, and Gow (currently at 167.32) has a legit shot to beat that tonight.

Coming into this week, the average points per game for our entire league was 121 (and this number will be going up this week). What that essentially means is scoring 121 only gives you a 50-50 shot to win.

This is the league now, gentlemen. It's not just the added SuperFlex and scoring changes - it's the new normal in the NFL. Offense is winning football games, and thus it's changing the standard of winning in Fantasy Football.

Remember when you used to think "I just need each guy to get me double digits"? Not anymore. That's nowhere near good enough today. Quarterbacks? Basically a bust week if they don't get you at least 20pts.

Points are no longer at a premium - they're everywhere.

It's time to do something about it.

I'm happy to see that all this "giving up" talk truly does appear to be just talk so far. While Coconuts and Fredricks seem to be trumpeting those mantras, both made aggressive trades this week to try and dig their teams out of their funk.

And they should, because things are very tight. We'll get to the standings in a bit, but aside from the runaways at the top (Gow and Dallus), there is not much separation amongst the rest of us*. There is almost always at least one sub-.500 team that makes it into the playoffs, and I would wager heavily on that this year. In fact, I think we could possibly see two.

*Yes, despite Kenni being 6-2, I'm still lumping him in with the rest of us because he can't continue to have his schedule be this goddamn easy.

The point is that you have 5 weeks left! If you have FAAB left, what are you waiting for?? There are 9 guys available on the Waiver Wire that scored > 15pts this week.

If you have guys collecting dust on your roster, why are you holding them? Whatever you drafted them for no longer matters. Stock prices in August aren't relevant in October.

If you don't like trading, that's on you, but what do you have to lose? Especially if you're currently below .500. At least start perusing some other teams' rosters and seeing who is on their benches.

I'm telling you this with 100% sincerity: every single one of us can make the playoffs.

IT'S TRUE! If Gow and Dallus keep collecting wins at the top, it's going to be a dogfight for the rest of us. You don't need to go 5-0... Just going 3-2 over these next 5 games can be the difference.

Every year, I have to type one of these pep-rally type posts. In part, to boost my own confidence, and also to encourage others to stay active and don't give up.

There are points available everywhere. Make some moves. Start guys on a hunch. Don't be afraid to go with your gut, against all the rankings/advice out there. Ignore the noise.

All the fun... All the angst... All the love... All the stress... It all goes away in 5 weeks, for at least four teams. You may or may not be one of those unlucky four, but at least make sure you play these next 5 weeks YOUR WAY. And leave no regrets.

I bid you all good luck. Godspeed, gents.

Team Names

Well last week was kinda dumb... I thought people would have more interesting food stories rather than just "Eggplant", which isn't even that bad.

Let's get back to our groove this week, especially since I'm trying to light a fire under everyone... It's everyone's favorite: BOTT Possessive Nouns.

We all know what these are, but just for fun let's review some from the past:

• Weidman's Nurples
• Dewitt's Creepiness
• Wacie's Spoiler
• Hals's Pyramid Scheme
• Knutson's Leadership
• Lunas's Finances

...and the all-time best team name ever (yes, I'm declaring it even though it was my team): Bolger's Pink Thing.

Do your worst, boys. We'll be voting on these next week.

The Games

There's really no drama left for tonight, so I'm just going to go with the headlines this week, then we'll take a peek at tomorrow's standings.

Kenni (167.08) is going to beat Jerks (89.94). I have two guys playing tonight to try and get a respectable score. This game is basically every game I've ever played against Kenni. 

Fredricks (134.28) beats Titwarmer (119.26). Ned was up by like 50-60 points at one point...

Dallus (195.44) eviscerates Whitebread (90.46). Take a look at Kenni/Jerks match and replace the winners and losers names with these. Good luck with Garcon, Cracker.

Gow (166.82) destroys Coconuts (120.58). It was Coconuts highest score since Week 1 and it didn't matter. Gow needs Murray to get him 30pts for Points Bonus. 

Crapswell (132.24) should beat Crabs (107.10). This is the match most in doubt, and Andy is a 96% favorite. Barring some Roethlisbeger-esque game from Romo, this is over.

So here's tomorrow's standings (points scored tonight could alter some ties)...

Place	Team	Record
1st	Gow	7-1
2nd	Dallus	6-2
3rd	Kenni	6-2
4th	Jerks	5-3
5th	Crapswell	4-4
6th	Fredricks	3-5
7th	Crabs	3-5
8th	Titwarmer	2-6
9th	Coconuts	2-6
10th	Whitebread	2-6

Tonight

I'm slightly less excited about Senser's today, as my window gut busted into last week. Don't leave any valuables in your car, and certainly don't leave any computer/work bags in plain sight.

Still, Ike Crabs has declared himself "Active" for tonight's game, so I guess that's as good a reason as any to show up. 

Barring another Prenatal Yoga cancellation, I'll be there about 8:45. Expect a lot of bitching about Kenni.

See you tonight, boys.

Monday Update: Catchy, Terrible Songs

Gentlemen,

We could discuss the Vikings implosion yesterday.

We could discuss Gow being a dick about it, even though his Browns lost to a team that hadn't won a game yet.

We could discuss the Gophers being 6-1, 3-0 in the B1G, and bowl-eligible by Homecoming.

We could discuss Coconuts' "luck" or lack thereof. 

But... we've got a long post ahead, so we'll leave those discussion for MNF. What matters today is we all have really terrible, fantastic taste in music. 

Monday Update: The Nonsense You Came For

Gentlemen,

That last post gave me flashbacks to chapter meeting. I felt Deno-ish just typing it.

Let's make with the fun stuff, that's why you're here.

Team Names

A great showing from everyone last week, bravo all around. Most everyone was even able to change their name by the Thursday game, which is great.

I'm curious... did Juan get some details about Sowers' fraud? If so, I'd love to hear.

This week we're going to try to be all young and cool again, with a favorite topic of the past - Favorite Guilty Pleasure Song (from the past year). Let's talk ground rules here:

1. Can't be a good song. If you're not sure if it's a good song or a bad song, it's probably not bad enough. You know when a song is bad.
2. Must have had regular radio play on KDWB. We're not picking some shit that is limited release and you can only hear on The Current. In fact, that already breaks Rule #1. No, this has to be a popular song (over)distributed to the masses.
• Country is crossing over into the pop realm these days, so I would consider a "country" song, as long as it's still terrible.
3. Must have been released in the last year... or so. Not a hard and fast rule, but don't go back too far. There's been plenty of bad music in the last year.
4. You have to at least kind of like the song. 

Next week, I'll post a link to the video of each and we'll actually have a vote. The reaction you're looking for from your fellow leaguemates is "Oh yeah I actually like that song..."

My choice may surprise some of you, considering my well-documented hatred: TIMBER.

Pitbull, Ke$ha, and donkeys. Good luck topping that.

The Games

Rod Jerks (156.18) vs. Ned Titwarmer (133.60)

• Ned had two guys going in that CIN-CAR game (Gio, Sanu). Both performed well and got probably another 10 points in OT. I absolutely hate when guys I'm playing against go into OT. It feels like they're stealing points. TACKLE SOMEBODY KUECHLY.
• Andre Williams was the most expensive FAAB bid thus far ($45) and did not live up to the billing last night (6.3pts). 
• Still to play: Nobody.

This one is over. Ned was 3-2 at one point last week, yet will fall to 2-4 tomorrow.

NooShoo Gow (152.34) vs. Bill Fredricks (142.88)

• TY Hilton was on Bill's bench (32.3). Bill probably wishes he could have started him.
• Going into last night, Gow was up about 15 with McCoy (19.4) going. Meanwhile Bill started Foles (14.92), Maclin (2.1), Donnell (0.6), and Parkey (10). Bill was the heavy favorite, but ultimately his pass catchers laid a huge egg.
• Still to play: Nobody.

Gow climbs to 5-1 while Bill will fall alone into last place at 1-5 (which is crazy) because...

Marcus Whitebread (117.52) vs. Andy Crapswell (102.98)

• Andy had 3 players score less than 4 points, including a QB (Teddy...ugh).
• Cracker meanwhile had his own crappy QB (Eli - 6.34) but was solid enough everywhere else
• Still to play:
• Whitebread: Gore

Whitebread climbs out of the basement to 2-4, which will tie him Andy.

Juan Coconuts (114.44) vs. Dick Dallus (110.00)

• Juan lost another player to injury (Ridley). Philosophical question: does one ever truly "lose" Stevan Ridley or are you simply freed of him?
• The two defenses in this one combined for -1. 
• Still to play:
• Dallus: Kaepernick

Dallus is a 94% favorite to win. Barring some injury to Kaep, Dallus will move to 5-1 although he'll drop to 2nd because Gow should likely take him over in points.

Kenni Hana (119.62) vs. Ike Crabs (97.74)

• Kenni's RBs (Spiller, Doug Martin) net him less than 7 points combined. This is a team currently tied for 1st. 
• Crabs could have put this completely in doubt last night with both Cruz and Randle going against Philly, who was the worst pass defense in the league. Instead, the two players got him less than 10 combined and Cruz is out for the year. Oof.
• Still to play:
• Crabs: Vernon Davis, Phil Dawson, SF Def

Crabs is a 53% favorite to win, so this is really a coin flip. If Crabs can pull it out, he'll have climbed to 3-3 after starting out 0-3. If Kenni wins, he'll stay tied for 1st at 5-1. 

Tonight

Let's stick with Sensors another week. There's a lot less kids and guys studying in cardigans.

Gladly.

See you tonight, boys.

Monday Update: Poor Effort

Gentlemen,

Do I have time for a Monday Update today?



This is going to be incredibly abridged, so prepare to be disappointed.

Team Names

I'm sick of looking at Fridley Tumors and not understanding the reference.

Also, Tulsa Roadrunners? Dallus, did you even read the setup two weeks ago? It wasn't supposed to be an actual mascot... it was supposed to make fun of the town. Unless Tulsa has a history of hit-and-runs with joggers or something.

The topic this week is Something You Learned at the BOTT Reunion. This doesn't have to be scientific... just something that surprised you or was interesting to find out from the events this past weekend. This can be 100% truthful, or sort of half-truth in order to be funny. At least try to be funny.

As an example, mine is: Amelious Whyte is Still A Thing.

For the jerks that didn't show, pretend you did. Either reference something that you've learned despite not showing (e.g. _______ is gay!) or make something up that is probably likely (e.g. Lunas lives at home!).

This shouldn't be that difficult. Let's goal to have them all updated by the Thursday night game. Please and thank you.

BTW, we found this in the roll books:

#Stricken

#Trail

#NeverWas

The Games

Ike Crabs (138.76) beats Juan Coconuts (91.38). In an upset, Juan did not complain about Calvin Johnson.

Marcus Whitebread (135.60) leads Rod Jerks (119.26). Still to play:

• Whitebread: Garcon, Hauschka
• Jerks; Russ Wilson

Whitey is 90% favorite and it's probably more than that because success for Wilson is somewhat correlated to success for Hauschka. I'll probably lose with the 2nd-highest score this week and yes I'm crabby about it. Gonna be 2-3 despite a legitimate change to lead the league in points after tonight. Stupid Philly D...

Dick Dallus (126.58) leads Bill Fredricks (96.38). Still to play:

• Bill: Lynch

Dallus is a 92% favorite, although I think Bill has a better chance to pull this out than I do. Still, 30 points is an awful lot to ask for. 

Kenni Hanna (90.50) leads Ned Titwarmer (71.64) that just makes me angry. Still to play:

• Ned: Cousins

Kenni is a 79% favorite to go to 4-1 despite his team being mostly terrible.

NooShoo Gow (133.98) leads Andy Crapswell (103.10). Still to play:

• Andy: Alf Morris, Seattle D

Gow is a 79% favorite, but it was much higher. I turned the late game off when Gronk scored his TD and at that point Gow was up like 50-60 points. Then apparently Gostkowski kicked like 17 FG's and now this is actually possible for Andy. 

Tonight

Are we sticking with BWW or are we tired of the terrible service enough to try something else. To prevent a debate, I'm going to go ahead and going to deem that something else to be Joe Sensors. We can debate alternate locations tonight, but not enough time for a debate today.

I get there late, so it makes little difference to me - I'll go with the majority. You guys decide. Vote in the comments or via the text group.

Juan, you may want to put the Do Not Disturb on...

See you tonight, boys. 

Monday Update: TEDDYTIME

Gentlemen,

I made no secret of my love for Teddy going into the draft in May. One game (against a bad defense no less) does not a career make, but how great was yesterday?

Our resident draft guru Gow is a noted Teddy hater - and Gow being Gow, he's not likely to admit being wrong - that will constantly point to Teddy's "weak" arm, as if playing QB was an arm-wrestling contest. Nevermind his ability to avoid the rush, step up in the pocket, progress through his reads, and deliver the ball accurately to guys in stride. If he can't throw the ball through a brick wall, then Gow isn't interested.

http://www.vikings.com/media-vault/videos/Full-Bridgewater-Highlights-vs-Falcons/40d25c31-5079-4d68-97f0-44efb2814fcc

(The video above is definitely worth watching, but make sure you're sitting down with a table or desk covering your crotchal region)

While I'm busying carving Teddy's HOF bust, I do recognize that this is one game. ONE. He's going to look bad, there are going to be growing pains, and the league will adjust as more film becomes available. But make no mistake, this is a good QB. And he plays for the Vikings. And he's only 21. He could easily be our guy for the next 10-15 years.

This is a good feeling.

PLEASEBEOK PLEASEBEOK PLEASEBEOK PLEASEBEOK PLEASEBEOK PLEASEBEOK

Packer Week

The Vikings play at Lambeau already on Thursday night, so it's important we start our hating now. 

BEST FANS

Why the Packers Suck - a good read... here's a snip-it: 

Please punch him

You should be embarrassed. I'm embarrassed for you. That's the sort of thing you wear because you lost a bet. There's no PRIDE in rocking an ugly piece of headgear that screams I'M FAT BECAUSE I EAT TOO MANY DAIRY PRODUCTS. In addition to hoping Aaron Rodgers gets hurt, I hope a race of giant alien mice descend upon Wisconsin. And then, I hope those alien mice overlords see your cheeseheads and go the fuck to town on you. That's what you suckers deserve.

"Setting the alarm for 4:30 tomorrow so we have enough time to get our icemen costumes ready"

Lots of good stuff in there. How the Packers statistically suck in the cold. How Green Bay is actually SOUTH of Minneapolis. Aaron Rodgers sucking some toes. How much of a fraud the Packers stock "ownership" is.

This picture just pisses me off for so many reasons

I so want the Vikings to win this game. The reality is they probably will not. Lambeau is a tough place to win, especially when it is NOT COLD. Teddy is hurting and may not even play.

"Yeah hi... it's Steve. Listen I can't come in today... I gotta stand on the side of the road with my homemade sign rather than meaningfully contribute to society. Go Pack Go."

But we can hope. And pray. It wouldn't be the first time a Vikings rookie embarrassed the Pack in Lambeau on national TV...

http://www.pro-football-reference.com/boxscores/199810050gnb.htm

I really wanted to find highlights of that MNF game, but could not anywhere. God that season was so fun. We were so young and innocent back then... I had forgot Moss also had a 75-yard TD called back.

Anyways since I couldn't find that game, this is always a crowd favorite. 

Go Vikings.

Eat a dick, Joe Buck.

Team Names

This is already too long. Andy, you take care of it this week.

The Games

Crapswell (157.66) vs. Dallus (125.52)

• The only person creaming themselves about Teddy more than me yesterday was Poosk (24.38).
• Crappy week from Dallus' non-QB's aside from Antonio Brown.
• Still to play:
• Crapswell: Gostkowski

Andy moves to 2-2, handing Dallus his first loss, and is also the heavy favorite for the Points Bonus.

Kenni (133.08) vs. Whitebread (114.10)

• Kenni's magical run continues thanks to Luck who's scored 27+ points in 3 of 4 games (the other he scored 20).
• Cracker continues to have a bad fantasy team, despite the 2 best QB's coming into the draft.
• Still to play: nobody

Both guys are done. Kenni moves to 3-1, tied at the top. Cracker down to 1-3, tied at the bottom because...

Crabs (117.18) vs. Titwarmer (112.50)

• Crabs' team finally decided to show up for the 2014 season. Double digits from everyone so far, except Ertz.
• Ned started off slow with Cousins last week, no one really made up that difference for him.
• Still to play:
• Crabs: Brady, Bowe
• Ned: Knile Davis

This was really a hailmary play by Ned, starting Davis and leaving himself no options. If Charles was out, this actually might be interesting, but he likely won't be. Crabs is a 99% favorite and should get his first win.

Fredricks (101.58) vs. Coconuts (83.68)

• Bill's team has looked really good to this point, despite his record. This was a down week for him and appears karma is paying him back. 
• Juan really loves to complain about stuff.
• Still to play:
• Bill: Edelman
• Juan: Charles

Bill is a 77% favorite. That's probably about right, but we'll know early on if Juan has a shot based on how Charles looks.

Jerks (119.92) vs. Gow (114.82)

• Four weeks in, DeMarco Murray is the fantasy MVP (99.7 total pts). Only Luck could also be considered.
• I thought my match was over after Chicago shat all over themselves in the 2nd half. But then Asiata outscored Shady by like 30 points.
• Still to play:
• Rod: Vereen, NE Defense
• Gow: Alex Smith, Gronk

Gow is a 51% favorite with Yahoo's crappy projections - I actually think he should be higher given he has a QB and Gronk going. Smith's play will probably dictate how this thing plays out, since it will be against my defense. There's potential for some big swings... imagine a Pick-Six:

• -4 for Smith
• +8 for my defense!

Either way, one of us will move to 3-1, the other 2-2. Big swing game.

Tonight

I usually try to wrap this up nicely, or add some wit at the end, but I got nothing today.

So I'll leave you with this...

Monday Update: Sad Dose of Reality

Gentlemen,

Let's do some math here...

3/13 = 23.08%

3/16 = 18.75%

Monday Update: A Whole New World

Gentlemen,

Welcome back. It's nice to see you again. Except Crabs.

This week was the unveiling of the new changes to the league/scoring settings. I may be biased, but I thought they were fantastic.

Adding in the Rushing/Receiving 1st Down component is a new wrinkle that I'm enjoying more than I thought. To be honest, I had sort of forgotten about it until I checked the scores on Friday (after Packers/Seahawks) and Randall Cobb points jumped by 2.5. I was all like "What the Fuck?" and then realized he had 5 1st Downs.

I'm a big fan of rewarding plays that are important to the game, which 1st Downs are. Last night, Demaryius got tackled twice a yard short and both times Denver ended up punting. On the flip side, if anyone watched the Pittsburgh/Cleveland games, Le'Veon Bell was a fucking awesome and got rewarded for it. He already would have had a big day, but be accounted for 9 total 1st Downs by himself, which got Bill an additional 4.5 points.

PREDICTION: As we discuss changes during next offseason, my guess is if we do anything with this scoring, it will actually be to increase this statistic.

The other major change was the SuperFlex, aka the 2nd QB. I know many of you were against it, but c'mon now... it was pretty damn fun to have 2 QB's to root for.

I'm telling you right now, my offseason plan is going to be to increase the size of our starting lineups again. Not QB's, but most likely another Flex. Starting more players is more fun, and makes the game more challenging. Just prepare yourselves now.

HIIIIII-YA!

Monday Update: Final Standings & FF Playoffs

Gentlemen,

First day back in the office in over a week and lots to do, so I'm just doing the bare bones here. If Coconuts wants to brag, gloat, or call more attention to his Championship victory, he'll have to write his own blog post. 

Here's the final standings with $ that will be paid out via LeagueSafe shortly:

PLACE	TEAM	PRIZE $	POINTS $	LOSER $	EMPIRE $	TOTAL $
1st	Juan Coconuts	$400	$15	$10		$425
2nd	Andy Crapswell	$200	$30			$230
3rd	Rod Jerks	$100	$15	$5	$40	$160
4th	Kenni Hana		$30			$30
5th	NooShoo Gow		$15	$5		$20
6th	Ned Titwarmer			$5		$5
7th	Marcus Whitebread		$30	$10		$40
8th	Bill Fredricks		$45			$45
9th	Ike Crabs		$15	$15		$30
10th	Dick Dallus			$15		$15
						$1,000

The Empire $ is not being awarded to me, but it needs to carry over to next season. Thus, I'm awarding to myself and going to keep it in my LeagueSafe account until the 2014 season. My entry fee next year will be $140, and I believe we can set it up as an Empire League that will have a separate pool for carryover money each year. 

The only person that can win that money next season (which will be $80 at that point) is Juan Coconuts. He's officially Public Enemy #1. I look forward to us all ganging-up on him at the draft.

The Champions

I officially started this league in 2005 and we just now completed our 9th season, which means we've had 9 champions. Here they are:

2005 - Dick Dallus

2006 - NooShoo Gow

2007 - Bill Fredricks

2008 - Kenni Hana

2009 - Ike Crabs

2010 - Ike Crabs

2011 - Rod Jerks

2012 - Rod Jerks

2013 - JUAN COCONUTS!

Whenever we get a trophy, which hopefully will happen this offseason, these are the names that will be printed on it. Congratulations to Juan.

The list of those yet to win: 

• Andy Crapswell (Oh so close...)
• Marcus Whitebread (Mark Brunell's 5 TD's)
• Ned Titwarmer (Brian Westbrook's laydown)

Playoffs (INPUT NEEDED)

There has been some discussion about reformatting our current playoff setup - I'm up for whatever, but we need to figure this out quickly.

As a reminder, our typical playoff format allows you to submit as many teams as you're willing to pay for, similar to brackets for March Madness. Different combinations of players (1 from each team) filling out a roster of 2 QB, 4 RB, 4 WR/TE, 2 K. 

• Some have complained that this really comes down to submitting the most teams. While this isn't exactly true, it certainly does help your odds to submit multiple entries. And the more you submit, the better your chances.
• Some have also simply requested to "mix it up", both with our actual league and playoffs. We can debate our league another day, but I'm certainly willing to mix up the playoff format if the league desires to do so.

The option I would propose as an alternative actually mirrors our regular season league. We would have a draft, probably via email over a couple days, fill out individual rosters (we can determine size), and each player only gets drafted once. 

• The draft would be fun because it not only factors in taking the best players, but also the ones that you believe will advance and play the most games. 
• Personally, I want to try this, but we need everyone on board. Especially to keep the draft moving...

Would love your thoughts in the comments. We need everyone to chime in, if not below then via text. If we decide to go the second route, I'll draw names and we can start the draft today.

Finally

Not sure when my next post will be... I'll try to keep an update on here for the Playoff FF, whatever format we choose.

But in the meantime, thanks for another awesome season. You all know I dig Fantasy Football more than most, but I wouldn't like it this much if we all didn't participate to the level we do. I know lots of people that have not kept in touch with their college buddies as much as we have, and I feel like this league gives us a reason to do so... And as your commissioner, that makes me feel like a proud papa. 

Not to get all sentimental, but I really love this league and look forward to continuing on as your commish for many years to comes, hopefully with this exact same group of guys. 

And a special thanks to those that began their blogging career this season. I think Bottball stepped up to a new level this year, and hope to have it continue even more next season. We need to figure out different posts to have during the offseason...

Anyway, getting long-winded here... You guys are the best. Love you all.

Keep on keepin' on, boys.

Monday Update: A New Champion Will Be Crowned

Gentlemen,

For the first time since this blog began, there will be a Week 16 Championship that won't include me. I know this sounds like #FirstWorldFFProblems, but I'm still sad about it.

Monday Update: Prepare to be Disappointed

Gentlemen,

Very busy day today. And didn't get home til late yesterday. So, not a whole lot of goodies today...

The Games

Andy Crapswell (57.20) vs. Ned Titwarmer (65.92)

• Ned leads, but don't let that fool you. He is done. With 66 points... much to the chagrin of the teams left out of the playoffs.
• Andy's highest scoring player is currently Charles Clay. That should be a damning sentence, but it's actually not...
• Andy need a combined 9 points from McCown, Forte, Murray, and Bailey. I don't even think jinxing is possible. Andy is a 99% favorite on Yahoo.

Juan Coconuts (109.12) vs. NooShoo Gow (78.78)

• A surprisingly competitive match between two teams with negative-scoring Defenses. 
• Juan got quite the boost from Brady with 2 TD's in about a minute. And every player on his team thus far has scored a TD.
• Meanwhile Gow also produced a strong week despite starting Alex Smith and losing Gronk. Still, he has an uphill battle tonight.
• Juan has Alshon. Gow has Dez and Bob Gould. While I do think Juan is the favorite, I think Yahoo's 92% projection seems a little high.

Per Yahoo's projections, next week's semifinals will be:

• Juan Coconuts (4) vs. Kenni Hana (1)
• Andy Crapswell (3) vs. Rod Jerks (2)

Both Juan and Andy have not won the title before, and combined they have just one Championship appearance (Juan in 2012). They will be the sentimental favorites.

Tonight

I'll be there. Probably not staying for the whole game, but I'll be there hopefully long enough to watch Jeffrey and Dez score 18 points combined (Dad's league). 

Juan, Gow, Andy, Ed:  two of you will be finished after tonight. I expect to see you all there. It's been a pleasure.

See you tonight, dudes.

Monday Update: Last Call

Gentlemen,

Late flight back to good ol' Minnesota yesterday, and I didn't work at all last night on the Update.

Thus, you get the info, but not the funnies today.

My apologies... I did have to get some work done.

The Games

Kenni Hana (79.58) vs. Bill Fredricks (53.70) 

• Kenni continues to J his way to the top. He could very likely be alone in 1st place tomorrow, and at the very least will be tied for the top spot.
• Between these 2 teams, they started a combined NINE players that scored less than 5 points. Yes someone gets to win. Of course it's Kenni.
• Nice week, Bill.

Dick Dallus (92.80) vs. Ned Titwarmer (67.02)

• Ned was riding high just a month ago, looking like a favorite for a playoff bye. After losing 4 in a row, he's now at risk of not making it in...
• Meanwhile, someone break up Dallus! The newlywed is going to be fighting for that final spot next week, and he could very well knock Ned out to claim it.
• Regarding the actual players, both of Ned's RBs scored negative points. I'm pretty sure that's never happened before and is likely to never be repeated. 
• Dallus' team is red hot, scoring 6 TD's and he still has RG3 going tonight. He's the favorite for this week's Points Bonus.

Marcus Whitebread (100.96) vs. Ike Crabs (78.88)

• It's pretty comical that this is one of Cracker's best teams in the past few seasons, and he still could legitimately finish last...
• Meanwhile Crabs could have scored 139 points (with Davis still to play), and yet he sits there right now at 79... Rivers (28), Wallace (19), SJax (14), and Cardinal D (13) all on the bench.
• Interesting match here... Crabs needs to win to keep any slim playoffs hope alive. He has a legit shot with Alf Mo and VDavis. Whitebread counters with 49ers D.
• Whitebread is a 70% favorite, according to Yahoo.

Juan Coconuts (105.46) vs. NooShoo Gow (62.90)

• Very important matchup here... coming into this week, these were the #6 and #7 teams in the standings, meaning only one of them would make it in, at that point.
• Juan has put up one of his stronger scores of the year, but Gow is still in it...barely.
• Gow is pushing for lots of SF scores tonight as he has both Kaepernick and Gore, and needs 43 points between the. 
• Juan is an 80% favorite to win, but you know he'll be sweating if Kap throws a TD to Gore in the 1st Q.

Rod Jerks (86.68) vs. Andy Crapswell (78.22)

• If you had told me last week, I'd be up 8 going into MNF, I'd have been thrilled. 
• If you had told me yesterday at 7pm, I'd be up 8 going into MNF, I'd have asked 'How...unless Moreno gets 37 carries?' 
• Oh.
• FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK. 
• God fucking dammit. Fuck you Welker, you fucking droptastic cuntbag. And Peyton too, you gimpy, spastic, suckass in the cold. Move the goddamn ball by passing once in a while.
• My team wasn't particulary strong this week, but Andy's was ass-tastic until last night. And now he's favored to win with Garcon going. I'll explain shortly why this sucks even more than usual.
• Andy is officially a 58% favorite to win. 

Looking Ahead

Here's a look at tomorrow's standings, assuming the favorites win:

Place	Team	Record
1st	Kenni Hana	9-3
2nd	Andy Crapswell	8-4
3rd	Rod Jerks	8-4
4th	Juan Coconuts	6-6
5th	Ned Titwarmer	6-6
6th	Bill Fredricks	5-7
7th	Dick Dallus	5-7
8th	NooShoo Gow	5-7
9th	Marcus Whitebread	4-8
10th	Ike Crabs	4-8

A loss to Andy suddenly knocks me out of a 1st Round bye position. We still have one week, left, but suddenly I'm on the outside-looking-in. I know no one cares about this, but it really pisses me off. All because of stupid Knowshon Moreno and his amazing career game.

Nice job, Del Rio. Way to give your injury-prone RB a million carries. Oh, whaddya know??? He fucking left the game on crutches. Great coaching, asshat.

If by some miracle, Garcon doesn't get Andy his 8 points tonight, Kenni and I would both be 9-3 and have 1st Round byes locked up. So Kenni, you should be rooting for me!!!

Going deeper into the standings, we see Juan Coconuts is all but assured a playoff spot, assuming his lead holds tonight. Given his point total, a whole lot would have to go wrong next week for him to not make it.

On the other hand, there is a legit scenario where Ned doesn't make it if he loses next week. Bill certainly has him beat in points, and Dallus also will after tonight. 

Whitebread is out of the basement, at least for this week. If he wins next week, he gets to officially save himself of L'Ass't place... that honor will go to Crabs.

Oh... and FUCK YOU KENNI.

Week 13 Schedule

• Rod Jerks vs. Marcus Whitebread
• Ned Titwarmer vs. Andy Crapswell
• Dick Dallus vs. Kenni Hana
• Juan Coconuts vs. Ike Crabs
• Bill Fredricks vs. NooShoo Gow

That last matchup might be most crucial, certainly for the teams involved. Both Gow and Bill will (likely) be 5-7. Bill should earn a spot with a win. Gow will need win, plus some help.

Ned may need to be Andy to save his season. Andy will be fighting for a bye.

I'll be taking on the guy I've been ragging for weeks... You know, the one tied for last with the most points in the league. 

Dallus hasn't made the playoffs in quite some time. He'll have to avoid the Kenni J-ish luck to do so.

Juan plays Ike in a match that likely can't change the fate of either. Juan will be in. Ike will be out.

Tonight

I won't be there. I'll be on a dumbass conference call with my Management and Organizational Behavior group. 

And then I'll be watching intently, hoping/praying Pierre Garcon does not get 8 fantasy points. I don't root for injuries, but if he happened to get hurt, I'll probably look like this...

Enjoy the game, boys. See you next week. 

Monday Update: Running Out of Time

Gentlemen,

There is only 2 weeks left of the Fantasy Football regular season. No matter how your team is doing, let that sink in...