Monday Update: Building a Better Mousetrap

Gentlemen,

The blog could use some refreshing, specifically the Monday Update. I've heard from a couple of you in the past week that you didn't even get a chance to read last week's entry. Things like that make me sad/frustrated. Trust me, there will be a rant later about the work I put into these and how the least you guys could do is just read it, but we'll get there.

For now I want to focus on how to make it better. I feel like it could be getting stale and I'm worried that some of you fail to read it because much of the content is stuff you could care less about. Fair enough, if it's true, so let me know what you'd like instead.

If there are things you believe we should remove, add, or change, please let me know. And if there's random stuff you'd just like to include as part of it, send it all to me. Many of you have done this in the past in small amounts, but let's make it more of a habit. Videos, photos, links - it's all fair game. Doesn't need to be football-related, in fact it's more fun if it isn't.

This isn't meant to be some poor-me entry and I don't need you all to respond and say "thank you". Rather, I want to know how to make it better, so we can bring back the banter that we lost when we stopped doing these via email.

Help me help you.


LEAGUESAFE PAYMENT IS DUE TOMORROW! EVERYONE HAS PAID EXCEPT FOR IKE CRABS.

The Gophers
Trying something new today... I see so little of the Gophers and attempt to recap them each week. We have a couple truly die-hard Gopher fans in our league, one of which is a booster: Marcus Whitebread. So why not give him the floor to give a more accurate rendition of what went down Saturday... Take it away Marcus: 

The Gophers win again!  The Gophers got off to a sluggish start and then saw their top player, QB MarQueis Gray, get carted off the field with an ankle injury before waking up and responding with a flurry of offense.  Western Michigan proved pesky but the combination of back up QB Max Shortell and #WhiteSpeedReceiver AJ Barker proved to be too much to handle as they combined for 3 TDs in a 28-23 victory.  At 3-0 the Gophers have already matched last year’s win total.  

Very nice! That last sentence is quite the backhanded compliment. And I love how hashtags are becoming just a part of everyday writing. God bless you, Twitter.


The Vikings
BTW, I would love to do the same here, if there are any Vikings fans willing to recap. Because of Directv and RedZone, I actually probably only watch 20% of Vikings games, so if there's someone that would like to make a claim on this space, let me know. I'm sure you're all chomping at the bit...

To quote my dad via text, "Vikings absolutely suck." The score was 20-6 at that point and we did come back to tie, but the point remains. When I talked to him later, he was just as adamant. "Clean house. Spielman, Frazier - they all need to go. Trade everyone."

Might be a little extreme. I still can't figure out if I like Ponder or not. I feel like he usually looks good, but we still can't seem to get enough points on the board, and then we're scrambling to catch up at the end.

So many DUMB penalties yesterday. Some of them being replacement ref-driven, but a lot of self-inflicted mistakes. This tweet came from Deadspin contributor and noted Vikings fan, Drew Magary: 

I really wanted to have a better team to cheer for this year. As much fun as #SuckForLuck was last year, I didn't want to have to spend the whole season again looking ahead to the draft. And Matt Barkley isn't really that exciting for me, anyway.

Who knows, maybe we can make some noise this week against the 49ers... Yeah, no. We're gonna lose.

LEAGUESAFE PAYMENT IS DUE TOMORROW! EVERYONE HAS PAID EXCEPT FOR IKE CRABS.

Small Sidebar
A columnist for the KC Star named Kent Babb wrote this amazing takedown of Scott Pioli following the Chiefs loss yesterday. I don't really care about the Chiefs or Pioli, but if you care about quality sportswriting, it's a fantastic read.

It makes me sad that we have such shitty sports columnists in this town. Most are either mouthpieces for the organizations, or just plain lazy and write bullshit, or both. When you read stuff like this, it really makes me wish we had sportswriters that held our teams more accountable, something no one has really done since Barreiro left the Strib.

It's not like Kansas City is some huge market like New York. Their media coalition is likely smaller than that of ours, yet our writers NEVER challenge the teams/leadership the way this column did. For the lengthy forseeable future, we have to live with Sid, Reusse, Souhan, Powers, Shooter.

It makes me sad, yet hopeful, at the same time.


Friday Football Feast
Anyone interested in going to the Friday Football Feast at the U of MN Buffalo Wild Wings on Firday 10/5? For those unaware, Paul Allen broadcasts all his Friday shows during football seasons at various BWW locations and it's just a reason to take Friday off, drink in the morning, and hang out with a bunch of rubes.

I'd be interested if I knew others were attending too. Let me know.


Here's a Fat Guy Dunking

Team Names
Ok first, a small rant...

WHAT THE FUCK? IS IT THAT FUCKING HARD TO CHANGE YOUR TEAM NAMES? I UNDERSTAND PEOPLE ARE BUSY AND DON'T ALWAYS HAVE THE TIME AND ALL THAT BULLSHIT. AS A GUY WITH A WIFE AND A BABY, WHO SPENDS HOURS ON A SUNDAY NIGHT AND MONDAY MORNING TO WRITE A FUCKING BLOG RECAPPING OUR LEAGUE AND PREVIEWING THE MONDAY NIGHT MATCHUPS, I DON'T REALLY GIVE A FLYING FUCK. I BEG YOU ASSHOLES TO COMMENT OR AT LEAST TELL ME YOU LIKED IT, OR YOU DIDN'T, BUT LET ME KNOW YOU FUCKING READ IT. AND NOW, IN WEEK FUCKING TWO, WE'VE GOT THREE TEAMS THAT HADN'T EVEN CHANGED THEIR NAMES AS OF THE SUNDAY GAMES?  I KNOW ALL OF YOU CHECK THE INTERNET, AT SOME POINT, EVERYDAY. AND IF YOU SAY YOU DON'T, YOU'RE FUCKING LYING. THIS WASN'T EVEN A HARD TOPIC - POINT OUT SOMETHING THAT SUCKED ABOUT OUR SHITTY HOUSE. PLUS YOU HAVE A NUMBER OF DAYS TO GET IT DONE. CHANGE YOUR FUCKING TEAM NAMES AND ACT LIKE YOU CARE ABOUT THIS LEAGUE.

In all seriousness, one of the things I've enjoyed about our league and been proud of is how engaged everyone is and stays all throughout the season. You rarely see dormant teams or rosters not updated, and generally people make a point to stay competitive, even if their season is lost. I believe a big part of that is because of the things we do to keep people interested. Weekly bonuses, changing team names, the Monday Updates. Maybe I'm crazy and giving myself too much credit, but when people stop caring about doing the little things, it's a sign of things to come. I don't want to have a league where half of us are trying and everyone else just shows up to draft each year. I'm not asking everyone to invest as much time or care about stupid fantasy football as much as I do. I'm simply asking that you stay engaged, appreciate a little bit of what I do each week, and update your fucking team name as a sign of respect.

Along the same lines, it was quite the chore to get votes/commentary from all of you regarding team names each week, so we're going with a new approach...one that should hopefully spawn more comments. Below you'll find voting options for Best and Worst Team Names. Simply cast your vote, and if you have ONE extra minute, tell us why you voted that way in the comments. The poll closes tomorrow at 5pm, so vote ASAP.

And per usual, those that didn't update don't get acknowledged. And on the honor system, no voting for yourself.

Who had the Best Team Name in Week 2?


Who had the Worst Team Name in Week 2?
UPDATE: Provide your worst team vote in the blog.  I'll have to figure out how to get two polls in the same posting before next week.

Enjoy technology, gentlemen.

This week's topic comes to us courtesy of our friend Andy Crapswell (thank you, Andy): Celebrity That Needs To Die As Soon As Possible. Now, if death is a little too extreme for you, then you can think of it more as "who needs to get kicked in the dick (or female genetalia, if it happens to be a woman". Either way, pick someone if the public eye who sucks.

My choice is easy: Pitbull

He's always adjusting his fucking cuffs!

This fucking guy... I can't stand him. He constantly promotes himself as being so fucking cool, but you know what? You promote Dr. Pepper and Bud Light, "Mr. Worldwide". Both of your preferred beverages suck donkey dick.

Sorry, but I need to say more. First of all, nice song there... Let's repeat "Let's have a real good time" over and over. I so do not understand today's music.

I searched and searched but could not find the radio ad I was looking for... Essentially, there is this Bud Light radio spot with Pitbull talking about how to get your party up to different "percentages". For example, the party starts with "your friends" at 30%. Then you add "their friends" and it goes to 50%. Then you have "your friends, their friends, and beautiful women" to 70%. Then you add Bud Light to all of that to get your party to 100%. THEN... you add "my music!" to get your party to 150%.

I shit you not, that's an actual radio commercial and I hope you all can hear it at some point in it's truly amazing awfulness.

God, I would love to see Pitbull kicked in the dick so hard. While he's adjusting his cuffs.


LEAGUESAFE PAYMENT IS DUE TOMORROW! EVERYONE HAS PAID EXCEPT FOR IKE CRABS.

The Games

Dick vs. NooShoo

• Let's start with Dallus. His team was bad last week, but apparently it's good now. Really good. He already exceeded the highest point total from Week 1.
• Trent Richardson (aka T-Pain) did not play like a Brown, meaning he played very well. Strong.
• Chris Johnson ran for over 2,000 yards a few years ago. I'm not making that up, nor was it a dream. It actually did happen. I really don't understand how you can fall off a cliff so fast, but he has.
• Dallus had a starting RB and WR both score less then 3 points each, yet he scored 117pts. No easy feat. Well done, Dick.
• Gow... 
• He started Antonio Gates. Gates, for those that fell asleep and missed it, was inactive for yesterday's game. On the plus side, his backup scored 3 TD's, so that's nice.
• I would wager a significant amount of money that Shoo has a starting QB not named Locker next week.
• Wasted a HUGE day from Hakeem Nicks... the Giants passing game is going to be a theme here.
• No one left to play. Dallus pulls the upset over Gow, 117-89. He's your current Points Bonus leader.

Andy vs. Kenny

• Two 0-1 teams going at it.... let's start with Crapswell.
• His team is starting to look like an infirmary: Forte, Jennings, Hernandez. He's going to struggle to field a competitive lineup next week.
• Rodgers with 10pts at home against the Bears? How did the Packers win that game again? Oh right, Cutler threw like a hundred picks and got sacked a thousand times.
• Andy does have a very good backup TE (the Gow strategy) in Vern Davis. Two TD's from him, just about the only bright spot for Andy's team.
• Kenny... it was all about Bush. Michael didn't actually do much, but is in line for a huge workload increase in the next couple weeks with Forte out. 
• Reggie Bush? I'm just shocked at how good he's looked. Someone for the Saints should be fired.
• Kenny is currently up almost 30 with Decker and Tamme still playing tonight. Andy has Matt  Bryant and will wake up on Tuesday 0-2. 

Rod vs. Juan

• Big days for me from Foster and Spiller. Spiller will be the #1 Player (for fantasy purposes) after Week 2. Got him for $2. (makes Lo-Face)
• MJD scored a receiving TD and if you saw it, you know it was blind luck.
• Juan had a very, very good week. Double digit scorers from all except for Dez and Shonn Greene. Those guys really hurt him because he was on his way to a really big week.
• Eli threw for 510 yards... on Juan's bench. Wasn't too big of a deal because Rivers almost matched his fantasy totals, but it's still funny to me.
• Vincent Jackson also had a very good day... on the bench. Starting him over Dez (not that you would ever do that) might have sealed this one for Juan.
• Instead, we've got this: Juan currently leads by about 7pts with Michael Turner. I still have Peyton, Julio and Demaryius all going tonight. C'MON shootout!

Crabs vs. JoJo

• Crabs really didn't have a great day, despite a pretty good point total. DMC sucked. Fred Davis sucked. Romo sucked. Pats D sucked (seriously AZ at home?). 
• Giants passing game anyone? Cruz was a monster and that super long TD was a big savior for Crabs.
• Gostkowski might be Crabs' MVP from yesterday, even though he missed the winning FG at the gun.
• JoJo's team did not show up... Jamaal Charles, where the fuck were you?
• DeMarco Murray, them Cowboys needed more.
• Calvin - seeming more and more human, and less Decepticon, each week.
• Frank Gore, somehow, looks better than ever... but it wasn't enough.
• Crabs currently leads 94-77. JoJo will need a huge night from ATL defense or Crabs moves to 2-0.

Marcus vs. Ned

• Considering the low point totals, these guys don't deserve too many bullets...
• For Ned, Dwayne Bowe scored 2 TD's. Where does Bowe get off scoring twice? WTF, Bowe. I didn't even realize the Chiefs scored twice the whole game.
• All these guys were bad for Ned: Stafford, Andre Johnson, Steven Jackson, Owen Daniels, Jets D.
• For Marcus, Larry Fitz and Jerm Finley scored 1 pt. Combined.
• Stevie Johnson, McCoy, and Reggie Wayne all scored a TD each to salvage their days. 
• The Packers, as was already mentioned, had a million turnover and sacks.
• Ned leads by 13 with Roddy still to play. Marcus counters with Matt Ryan and McGahee. This is the best matchup to watch tonight. 

LEAGUESAFE PAYMENT IS DUE TOMORROW! EVERYONE HAS PAID EXCEPT FOR IKE CRABS.

Tonight

I will not be in attendance tonight.

For the foreseeable future, I believe I will be on an every other week sort of schedule. I will be watching the entire game (I hope) while texting those of you in attendance.

Good luck tonight to all of you still alive.

Enjoy the game, gents.