Monday Update: Snow Shit, Sherlock

Gentlemen,

Father Winter took a giant dump on us yesterday. The older I get, the less I like snow. I mean I like to have it around for Christmas for ambience and all that shit, but overall I could really do without.

As someone who owns a home with a driveway, it's a pain in the ass to manage. I have a snowblower, which admittedly is easier/more fun than a shovel, but I'd still rather do neither. I spent probably a combined 3 hours outside yesterday screwing around with the fucking snow, when I could have been watching Gow's defense score oodles of points.

And then the dickhead plow FINALLY comes by overnight, and barricades my fucking driveway so nobody can get in or out. So I had to deal with that shit this morning.

And last winter's weeny snowfall really opened my eyes to how nice it was to not have too much of it. I could go for a run in January without breaking my neck. I didn't ruin my dress shoes. It got a lot nicer and warmer way faster in the Spring because there wasn't a million tons of snow to melt. I was mowing the lawn in March.

I realize I'm the idiot in Minnesota, complaining about the snow. There are lots of places I could move to and my dream would be realized. But fuck that. I'm not going anywhere. I can wait this out. I'll continue to pollute and maximize my carbon footprint to ensure Global Warming screws up winters permanently.

Maybe as we have kids and they get older, and subsequently enjoy playing in the snow, it will be fun again to go out sledding, skiing, and everything else. But right now, especially after a 70-minute Monday morning commute, snow can eat my ass.

The Vikings
What the hell, man...

You know what's really sad about this season? If we even had mediocre-level play (say like Russell Wilson-ish) from the QB position, we'd actually be a reasonable contender. I mean, we're 7-6 right now with a QB that is averaging 137 passing yards over the past 7 games.

Meanwhile, Peterson not only has a legit shot at 2,000 yards, it's not inconceivable that he makes a run at Dickerson's record of 2,105. Think about that. He may do one or both of those things on a team with absolutely no threat of a passing game to keep the defenses honest. He's such a weapon that we're just wasting...

And the defense, though not without it's warts, has been playing pretty good (especially at home) and has rarely been the reason we lost games. Teams aren't throwing the ball with ease against us for the first time in quite a while.

I've ranted about stupid Ponder in this space before. Now, I'm just beaten down. I hope we don't have to endure another season of him while he "progresses" as a pro. We've seen too many young QB's come in and have success right away to keep forcing him in there with his shitty performances.

I'd like to see Webb play, if nothing else just to stop seeing Ponder ruin drives. Webb may suck, but at least he'll be a more entertaining version of sucking. And he actually might be good...

The Gophers
This week brings us the usual Cracker and his Gopher-y goodness regarding the #14 hoops squad. And also the very first guest appearance from our resident Hanson brother, Ned Titwarmer, to discuss the hockey team. Let's see what they've got to say...

1. So, I’ve really not watched much of the Gophers basketball yet this year, but I know we’re mostly the same roster as last year. Give us a rundown of the notable players and what we think they’re capable of doing this year.

The Gophers are essentially the same roster as last season but this looks like a much better team.  The primary reason is the emergence of Andre Hollins at the point guard position.  He was a freshman that was hobbled with an ankle injury for most of last year but clearly took the reins down the stretch and in to the NIT last year.  Hollins is a point guard that can score which is what Tubby coached teams need for the times when his offense stagnates in the half court game.  He is averaging 13.7 ppg with 3.4 apg and on two occasions has absolutely gone off offensively with a 41 point performance against then #19 ranked Memphis when he went 12/16 from the floor including 5/5 on 3's and again against South Dakota State going 8/9 from the floor and 6/7 from 3.

Aside from Andre, Rodney Williams has finally emerged as a go to player as his game has started to catch up with his athleticism.  He is averaging 12.9 ppg / 6.3 rpg / 2.3 apg and 1.7 bpg.  Austin Hollins has been the third player to really emerge.  He is our best defender (averaging 2.5 steals per game) and is also chipping in 11.7 ppg / 3.8 rpg / 2.4 apg.  The other piece that was expected to really stand out is Trevor Mbakwe.  Coming off a knee injury, Tubby has been playing him shorter minutes to get him ready for a bigger role but when needed he has played extended minutes against some of our better competition.  He doesn't look quite as explosive as before the knee injury but he can still be a force on the boards.

My goal for this team before the season is the same as it is today: Sweet Sixteen.  They have the athleticism to play with anybody in the country.  We aren't necessarily as skilled as some of the elite teams but there is no reason the Gophers can't be a 4-5 seed in the NCAA tournament, win a couple games, and then take your chance against a 1 seed and hope that somebody (Hollins) is hot that day.

2. Along with that, may as well address the conference, since it looks pretty strong. We’re less than a month away from B1G play starting up. Where do you see the Gophers ranking within the conference and who else is looking formidable. (Essentially this is your B1G preview)

The Big Ten is clearly the best conference in the NCAA again this year.  The Big Ten boasts 6 teams in the top 20 with IU (#1), Michigan (#3), Ohio State (#7), Illinois (#13), Minnesota (#14) and Michigan State (#19).  With all those teams winning this week, including Illinois winning at #10 Gonzaga, those rankings should only move higher too.

It is early and some teams inevitably look worse come Big Ten season (Minnesota & Illiniois recently) while others start to look better (usually Michigan State & Wisconsin) but right now this is how the conference looks to me divided in to tiers.

Vying for title/1-3 tourney seed: Indiana, Michigan, Ohio StateLikely NCAA tournament teams (4-9 seed): Illinois, Michigan State, Minnesota, Likely to be somewhere on the bubble: Iowa, Northwestern, WisconsinHoping to play spoiler: Nebraska, Penn State, Purdue

My Big Ten predictions:1. Indiana2. Michigan3. Ohio State4. Minnesota5. Michigan State6. Illinois7. Iowa8. Wisconsin----------------------------9. Northwestern10. Purdue11. Nebraska12. Penn State

--- = bubble cutoff

3. Really should have had 4 points in CC this weekend. What happened? And does that mini-collapse in the 3^rd game overshadow what was otherwise an pretty strong weekend for the hockey squad?

(Ed. Note: I sent this question to both Cracker and Ned. Cracker responded to this one with "Ask Ned")

We dominated the first 2 periods. They scored one goal shorthanded in the 3rd (Marshall brain fart give away) and the game tying goal with 24 seconds left with the extra man. The game easily could have been 4-2 or 5-3. I would say that if you told Lucia he'd get out of there with 3 points, he would have been happy. However, you are correct, we should have gotten all 4 points. Sometimes, things like this just happen and I wouldn't dwell on it. However, we should keep this in the back of our minds in case a pattern starts to develop.

Feel free to address anything else hockey-related, as I’ve not seen a ton of the team this year. Who stands out? Who’s the weak link(s)?

What stands out for me so far this year is our Frosh G Adam Wilcox. I would have said G was my biggest concern coming into this season as we were stacked at the other positions with returning starters and Frosh talent. He's played beyond my expectations and I'm guessing Lucia's as well, as Wilcox didn't give him an option to do his stupid "play a different goalie each night" routine. For those that aren't in the know, Lucia has this thing where he takes two good goalies and makes them both mediocre by alternating playing time so no one gets in a groove or has confidence that he's the guy.

What scares me a little is our D. Other than Schmidt (Schmidt Happens!) and Marshall, I'm not seeing the play that we should be getting out of this group. Helgeson looks to be regressing a little and Alt looks like he's afraid to shoot at times. However, this is a veteran group and they should start picking it up soon.

Team Names
Are people still paying attention? Why is no one voting? We had THREE votes last week for the villain likeness, which was a pretty awesome category. Do I need to keep voting open longer? What's the deal? I'm not seeing a ton of enthusiasm for the Weekly Team Names as I used to...

This week, all but two of you participated, which is basically on-par for the first week of the playoffs. People start taking off and or not even checking anymore around this point in the year. 

Anyway, Kenny and Dallus didn't submit, so they're off the list this week. Remember, the category was Worst Thing About Wisconsin.

***VOTE IN SIDEBAR***

BEST: I think those of you that participated did a nice job this week in capturing many of the things that truly suck ass about our friends retarded cousins to the East. My choice came down to Highway Construction (which is omni-present of I-94) and Mediocre Beer. 

I ended up going Mediocre Beer. As I get older and appreciate beer more and more, it's amazing how much shitty beer comes out of Wisconsin. And I'm not some snob... I always have Coors Light in my fridge because sometimes you just want an ice cold light beer. Wisconsin beers just suck. 

Although Spotted Cow is an exception.

WORST: This was a tough one for me too. Crabs went with Carl Gerbschmidt, which I hope he realizes isn't a real person. If he's using him as some sort of model for all Packer fans, I guess I can get a little more on board with that...

But Ned just whiffed on this one... Booze on Sundays. I mean, what is wrong with that? And how is Ned, of all people, the one saying it's wrong? I wish MN would adopt this so we stop giving sales to WI Liquor stores.

Back to Miller Lite for a second... are they still making those "punch top" cans? Or did those already get discontinued because they were the dumbest thing anyone who drinks beer had ever seen?

Did you guys ever even see these things in distribution?

How do I like you now? I like you LESS now, if you must know.

And by the way... apparently, they don't work.

Team Name Topic
Since apathy seems to be starting to set in, let's use that as our focus. This week's topic is Something You've Done (Or Not Done) Out of Laziness. And no, there is not the option of using "Didn't Update Team Name" or even "Mailed In This Team Name" as an option. You're all a bunch of lazy assholes - don't deny it - so just tell us something specific you've done that shows it to be true. 

The Games
Only had 2 games going this week. Let's review:

Gow vs JoJo
(Ed. Note: Not sure why the background of the text is white, but I can't seem to fix it without re-typing...sorry)

• This was Gow's quote early in the week when his team name was something dumb like Ray and Jimmy, Please Step Up: "With no SNF or MNF plays here, I feel sick with nerves already. Looking at Fred's roster only makes me feel more sick to my stomach." He then posted on the Gameday Thread very early on "Not a good start to the day, when your opponents #1 RB runs 80 yds on your favorite team's defense for a TD." Sure seems like Gow was Dirxing JoJo...
• Ok, JoJo has made the case numerous times on this blog that he got beaten numerous times because someone's defense went off against him. I went back and looked at the game logs and here are the games where a defense went for 15+ against him:
• Week 1 vs. Ned - 19 points from D - JoJo won
• Week 4 vs. Crapswell - 29 points from D - JoJo lost
• Week 5 vs. Coconuts - 15 points from D - JoJo lost
• Week 8 vs. Gow - 22 points from D - JoJo won (Gow only scored 60 total)
• Week 10 vs. Ned (Ned again!) - 28 points from D - JoJo won
• Now, there are some unusually strong defensive performances there, but the way JoJo talked about it, you'd think D's were scoring 30 points against him every week. He faced 15+ point defenses FIVE times, and actually went 3-2 in those matchups.
• In hindsight, that was a lot of needless analysis, but possibly interesting. Anyway, Gow got 41 points from Seattle D yesterday. 41. Total fantasy points. 41. Wow.
• He also got 37 points from the suddenly unstoppable Cam Newton. 78 total points from his QB and D. Insane.
• All of this overshadows Danario Alexander who scored 20 points for Gow too. What? Danario freaking Alexander. I so wish the Vikings had him right now...
• Gow is going to end up with the highest total team score of the entire season, this while Jimmy Graham gets him less than 4 points and Bryce Brown ran for 6 yards. That's an unbelievable day.
• Sorry for all the Gow love. JoJo's team played too.
• Drew Brees put up his second straight stinker at the worst possible time for JoJo.
• After that, JoJo's team actually played well. His only other letdown was Atlanta D, but everyone else contributed nicely and was in double digits (including his Kicker). He could easily end up with 120+ depending on what Andre Johnson does tonight, and it won't unfortunately won't matter. 
• Actually it's sad, because it's very likely that we'll wake up tomorrow and JoJo could have beaten either of the other 2 teams playing, but that's Fantasy Football. Gow will move on to face Coconuts in the semis.

Crabs vs. Crapswell

• This matchup was and still is much closer...
• QB's for both teams (Rodgers and Romo) failed to do much for either team. Rodgers especially let Andy down last night when he was hoping to narrow that gap going into MNF.
• Andy started the week very strong last Thursday netting 22 from Knowshon Moreno. I don't know if Crabs has NFL network, but you gotta believe he was throwing things at the TV that night. 
• If Crabs were to lose by less than 2 points this week, you can thank me. I advised him to sit McFadden in favor of Vick Ballard and that decision cost him exactly 2 points. I'm kinda wanting to root for this to play out.
• Dougie Martin found his mojo that had been missing for a month or so and scored 19 points for Crapswell, keeping his team afloat. After that, Andy's team pretty much straight sucked.
• Honestly when you look at the box score, it doesn't even seem right that Crapswell is within striking distance tonight. It sure seems like Crabs should have blown him out. But Crabs got disappointing performances from Leshoure and Gonzo, not to mention PIT defense net him 0 points, so here's where we stand...
• Crabs leads 96-81 with Gostkowski still playing. Andy counters with Welker and Hernandez. This is incredibly close. If Crabs can get 10 out of Gosty, that means Andy has to make up 25+ points from his 2 guys. Betting odds should favor Crabs, but this one is very much up in the air.
• And Andy is going to be in attendance tonight! He'll be cheering vapidly for his first ever FF Playoff win. 

Tonight

What a game we have in store tonight: Houston at New England. Now we're talking! Combined records of 20-4. Possible home field advantage on the line in the AFC. This is what a primetime game should look like.

Enjoy it. Because next week... you know 12/17 when we're all planning to show up... guess the game. In fact, try to think of the 2 worst possible teams to have on Monday night...  What would be the absolute most miserable game to watch....?

Jets.

Titans.

So, let's appreciate what we have tonight. A good and meaningful matchup. Hopefully the game lives up to the hype (it probably won't).

I'll be in attendance tonight. Hopefully you will be too.

Drive safely, boys.