Monday Update: Running Out of Gas

Gentlemen,

If I'm being honest, I really don't want to write this right now... It's Sunday night. I'm exhausted from the weekend*. I spent all day putting up TWO Christmas trees, fighting stupid  bullshit not-working lights every step of the way. And now I've got five busy days of work staring at me and I really would like to crawl into bed.

(Not to mention, I felt good going into the night game with Cobb and GB D, and instead they basically cancel each other out while Tynes runs away with the victory for Fred. Goddammit, now Coconuts is going to be in 1st, which is just sick and wrong.)

Alas... the season is almost over, especially for those of you with only one week left. It would be a waste to come this far and not finish. Although it appears that much of the drama has been removed from our final week of the season, it would be a shame not to cross the finish line with our heads held high. 

Fill up the tank once more, and let's close this thing out strong.

*No one tells you this, but those relaxing holiday breaks I used to look forward to don't exist anymore. With a kid, they're more tiring than going to work. And having to haul his ass all over town to see everyone is a big to-do. Me sleepy.

The Vikings

I've been on repeat here for a while. Ponder continues to play like shit and hasn't looked like the answer at QB since the first month of the season. He continues to regress and if it doesn't change, it's going to be a very interesting offseason for lots of people at Winter Park.

Ponder's not the only issue, but he's the biggest. I'm not one that is cutting him slack because of his lack of WR options. The QB makes the WR's, not the other way around. 

The Gophers

Watched zero of this game. Sounds like I spared myself.

Cracker's College Football Corner

Long questions coming today...

1. Let's just skip the game recap, unless you feel there is something to call out that is missing from the box score/columns. How should fans feel about this team at this point? Has progress been made, and if so, where?

They're better than last year but at this point we've shown that our defense can't hold up against power running teams and Nelson seems to have regressed the last few weeks (although in his defense, the best 3 defenses we faced all year were in the last 4 weeks of the season).  I still point to the fact that we're starting 9 underclassman on offense as a sign that things should get better.

2. Is Jerry Kill the right coach for this team right now? Between the UNC mess, the Barker situation, the seizures, and the lack of offensive growth (which I thought was supposed to be his bread and butter), the shine has worn off of our likable "aw shucks" head coach. And spare me the "it's only been 2 seasons" company line - is this the right guy to make us a better team?

I think you're overreacting.  You fire guys like Colorado coach Jon Embree after two years because they are 4-21 overall and 1-11 in year 2 including losses this year to DI-AA Sacramento State, a 55 point loss to Fresno State and an average margin of 48-17 in games against conference opponents with only two that were within 25 points.  In his first year he was outscored by an average of 17.5 in conference games; in year two he was outscored by an average of 30.7 in conference games.  Minnesota meanwhile improved their in-conference margin of defeat to 10.4 from 17.9 with the largest margin of defeat at 25 whereas last year we lost 4 conference games by more than 25. 

As for the things you mentioned as strikes against him, the "UNC mess" is just talk radio needing to find something to talk about.  Don't get me wrong, I'm annoyed by it because I wanted to go to Chapel Hill for the game but it doesn't reflect ability of a person to coach or progress of a team or program.  Paying the buyout is primarily a waste of money from donors and athletic department revenue which we were clearly willing to waste.  That is more on the AD agreeing to it than the coach asking for it.  The Barker situation also doesn't reflect coaching ability.  If you ask me it just reflects a combination of immaturity from a player combined with a coach doing a poor job of reading and managing a player's personality.  If Kill actually was found to have abused him beyond yelling at him it may be a different story.  His epilepsy and seizures were known when he was hired.  I don't think his medical condition is a fireable offense and while it has been a distraction his staff really hasn't seemed to skip a beat when dealing with it. 

The one things you mentioned that is actually coaching related (and fwiw Kill's specialty was defense rather than offense), yes, the offense has been anemic at times and only scored more than 20 once in conference games.  But as I mentioned we're starting 9 underclassmen including a true freshman QB.  When you do that you're going to take your lumps and that is especially true when facing a top 10 defense.  I'm not happy about the progress at certain points throughout the season or in the last two weeks in particular but I think you'll learn a lot about this team and the coaching staff in the bowl game when we hopefully have the chance to get some guys back healthy and get a lot more developmental type practices with younger players.  If you don't see improvement with 15 additional practices before the bowl game then you can sound alarms.

At some point in the future, Whitey and I may need a Point-Counterpoint debate integrated into this. While I trust him when it comes to being knowledgeable about the Gophers team (much more than me), one can't read this and not feel as though he's seeing the world through maroon and gold glasses.

To me, the UNC thing is more than just talk radio fodder (we can get into it at the bar tonight) and he and I will probably have to agree to disagree on it. I do agree that Barker's situation is more on him than the coach, but when you combine it with our horrible in-conference performances, and sprinkle in a couple seizures here and there, I don't see how it doesn't affect recruiting. To put it another way, it's certainly not going to help at all, so the best scenario is it has zero affect. And if you believe that to be the case, then you're an extreme optimist. When it comes to the Gophers, I certainly am not.

3. Alright, what craptastic bowl are we going to be in, and who are we playing? I'll buy you a beer if you get these right.

We will likely play in the Meineke Car Care Bowl in Houston although it could also be the Heart of Dallas Bowl.  I struggle to believe a bowl would pick a coachless Purdue team over Minnesota so my guess is Houston.  Likely opponents would be Baylor, Texas Tech or Iowa State.

4. So it's Notre Dame versus the Alabama-Georgia winner, yes? Does Notre Dame have a chance against either?

Unfortunately, yes, for the second straight year we have a BCS Championship game where we will be annoyed by either outcome and the fans that come with it.

Team Names

Kind of a fun week for team names. I've heard a lot of these, but some were new to me.

***VOTE IN SIDEBAR***

BEST: I'm going with Help Me Understand, mostly because it's widely used at TGT. And Kenny's description is 100% accurate. Also, I know I'm guilty of using it... "Help me understand what the fuck you're talking about. I don't speak idiot."

WORST: accronyms. First of all, spellcheck exists everywhere - take advantage of it. Second of all, while my company does attempt to abbreviate EVERYTHING, I really don't mind acronyms on most occasions. They're kinda like nicknames, which I'm in favor of.

What say YOU, boys?

Team Name Topic

This week's topic is a doozy from JoJo. Since this is the last regular season week, this is possibly the last week all ten of us participate, as many of you stop caring once you're out of it. In fact, this week could already be too late... but let's try.

A couple weeks ago, when I asked about ideas for team names, this was JoJo's response in the comments:

choose a movie villain that portrays your opponent. How can I better explain this? If I was playing Crabs this week, I would choose Jabba the Hut.

Sorry to whoever is playing Crabs this week, as JoJo has already stolen your thunder... This should be damn fun.

The Games

Three games are already final, and the other two are basically over... unless Gow can manage 50 points tonight. Here's the Cliff Notes version:

JoJo beats Jerks: 108-97

• Fuck you, Packers D.

Coconuts beats Crapswell: 115-71

• Juan is gaining confidence. He texted me last night basically saying "Hope you enjoyed your time in 1st Place."

K. Hana beats Dallus: 98.12-96.50

• Kenny's season was basically saved (and Dallus' ruined) on that crazy Ray Rice play. I'll let Dallus explain a little more below.

Crabs leads (and will beat) Whitebread: 96-69

• Whitey's season mercifully ends on the back of Ronnie Hillman.

Titwarmer leads Gow: 112-74

• Playing for pride, Ned puts Gow's season in jeopardy.
• Gow still has Cam Newton and something called Bryce Brown tonight.

Projected Standings

So given those results, where will we stand tomorrow, assuming Gow doesn't pull off a miracle?

Place	Team	Record	Points
1st	Coconuts	8-4	1268
2nd	Jerks	8-4	1242
3rd	JoJo	7-5	1194
4th	Crabs	7-5	1123
5th	Crapswell	6-6	1118
6th	K. Hana	6-6	1097
7th	Gow	6-6	1070
8th	Dallus	4-8	1137
9th	Ned	4-8	1081
10th	Whitebread	4-8	1019

A couple of notable changes here:

• As I alluded to earlier, we have a new leader. And unless I'm mistaken, it's the first time in the history of our league that Coconuts has sat in 1st place (not including after Week 1 or 2).
• Coconuts and I look to be the recipients of First Round Byes next week, but JoJo is certainly still in contention for one. If I lost and he managed to smoke my point total by about 50 or so, I'd be playing next week. The thought of that happening made me shart myself.
• JoJo and Crabs have assuredly locked up playoff spots at this point. Not sure if they'll get the fun * next to their names tomorrow, but they're effectively in at this point.
• Dallus, Ned, and Whitebread are all done. Or at least their chances of making the postseason are no more. The big battle now is avoiding the L'Ass'T Place Trophy. 
• And the most interesting piece of all this will be the fight for the final 2 playoff spots. Your contenders are: Crapswell, Kenny, and Gow. If they started today (or technically tomorrow), Gow would be out, assuming his massive comeback doesn't happen tonight. But this really all comes down to next week, so let's check the schedule...

***Update at 3:40pm CST***
I just realized something... Gow's point total is only 27 points behind Kenny. Thus, with just decent nights from Cam & Brown, he could actually leapfrog into 6th place, putting Kenny on the outside going into the final week. Either way, these two will be much closer in points, putting that much more pressure on next week's matchup.

Week 13 Schedule

• Jerks vs. Whitebread
• Crapswell vs. JoJo
• Coconuts vs. Kenny
• Gow vs. Crabs
• Dallus vs. Ned

So, what's that tell us? All three 6-6 teams have challenging matchups next week. Crapswell and Gow are going against two 7-5 teams who will be jockeying for playoff positioning and potentially fighting for a bye... And Kenny will square off against the 1st Place team, who is very much focused on ending the season on top of the leader board. 

An Obit for Dallus' Team 

by Dick Dallus

Per the texts I received yesterday...

This afternoon was a heartbreaking way to get knocked from playoff contention... had a 10 point buffer going against Crosby tonight until Sproles got 35 yards on a garbage 2nd to last play of the game.  

And San Diego couldn't stop the 4th and 29, which was followed by Torrey Smith getting 3 more points in OT. 

And the Jets scored a garbage time TD on Thursday that knocked 3 points from the Pats D. Ken truly J'd me on this one!

Tonight

I'll be there to watch this abortion of a game. 

If you like you're Eagles in primetime, get excited because they're on next Sunday night too. Nice Flex Game, NFl.

I'm hoping to have a Power Rankings post up later this week, so you can all dabble into the minutia and lame stats I keep record of.

Sorry for the lack of nonsense this week... I'll try to do better for Week 13. Like with Dallus' obit, the more fodder you can send me, the better. Links, texts complaining/bitching, stories, pictures funny stuff - I'll incorporate it all.

For example, here's a picture of young JoJo and McNally (before he got fat) playing Risk at Oxford:

See you tonight, boys.

Week 12 Gameday Thread

Sorry about the delay...

I've been farting around with goddamn Christmas lights for the past 2 hours.

Let's here your bitching... Whitebread, you're up first!

Monday Update: The Home Stretch

Gentlemen,

We are getting closer and closer to the end of the regular season... and we're getting a little more clarity with the playoff picture, but nothing is official thus far.

Kudos to you all, especially those of you truly fighting for your 2012 FF lives, because with 2 weeks left, nobody is officially dead...although Ned is truly on life support.

Let's breeze through the usual filler and get to the important stuff about where everyone stands with 2 weeks + tonight left.

The Vikings
BYE WEEK

Our next 3 games are Bears-Packers-Bears. We'll know a lot more about our currently 6-3 squad after that. Vegas odds have us sitting on .500 at that point.

The Gophers
I watched zero seconds of this game, so let's just cut to The White One.

Cracker's College Football Corner
1. I didn't see a second of the MN-Nebraska game and just glossed over the box score. I know you were there... Was there anything positive to take away? What was the biggest disappointment, among the many?

It was ugly.  At 8/23 with two interceptions it was by far the worst game Philip Nelson has played.  About the only positive thing from his performance was the both picks hit his WRs hands first and then were deflected in to the hands of the DBs rather than a direct bad throw to the DB.  The combination of his poor performance and the poor performance of the defense, in particular the secondary, was the biggest disappointment.  Taylor Martinez should not be throwing for 300 yards against any defense.

2. Scouting report on Sparty - If we have any chance to win, how would/could it happen?

The Spartans have an elite defense (#10 scoring defense in the country) with a horrible offense (#110 in scoring offense) which keeps them in every game but also keeps their opponent in every game.  If we are fortunate enough to force some turnovers and get the ball in good field position we could pull it out.

3. I'm gonna link to AJ Barker's letter to Coach Kill... What the hell happened here? What does this mean for the Coach Kill/Football Team/Athletic Program going forward?

People can read it and form their own opinions. It is hard to know exactly what happened when you only read one side of the story and it clearly sounds like an adolescent that is acting out and struggling to control his emotions.

I think the general response from women would be sensitivity toward the young man that is injured while the general response from men, in particular those that have played football, is 'quit being such a pussy.'  I don't think any guy is going to be shocked that a coach yelled at a player to try to throw dirt on the injury and get back out there to play football or that he tried to tear a player down and build him back up.

As for the impact on the program, I think it is just some unnecessary drama and unless something like accusations about Mike Leach come about nothing will really change.

4. Ugh... feel free to comment on the potential National Championship possibilities: Notre Dame-SEC Team or SEC Team-SEC Team.

I'm pissed because I was really looking forward to no SEC team in the BCSCG.  All Notre Dame has to do to be in the BCSCG now is to beat a mediocre USC team at USC.  Notre Dame is definitely the better team in my opinion but USC has the offensive fire power--particularly at QB/WR---to put up points on a Notre Dame defense that is better against the run than the pass.  I remain hopeful that the Trojans can pull the upset but then we're left in a possible be careful what you wish for scenario. 

Bama/Georgia play again so one team will be eliminated from contention.  Florida still has to play FSU.  I personally think FSU wins that game.  If UF wins then we're at risk of another SEC/SEC game but after the ugliness that took place last year I think there will be a lot of voter support to put Oregon in that game rather than Florida but only time will tell.

Let's see what Lou Holtz thinks about Notre Dame being #1...

Team Names
If we were in Chapter Meeting, I'd be hissing JoJo right now for not changing his team name. HISSSSSSSSSS

***VOTE IN SIDEBAR***

BEST: this was a hard week for me because none of these things particularly annoy me. If I was applying for a bunch of jobs like Dallus, Cover Letters would probably win, but that's boring.

I guess I'll go with Unnecessary Meetings... I mean, who enjoys unnecessary meetings? In fact, Whitey could have just named his team Meetings, and it probably still would have got my vote.

WORST: I had a very difficult decision on this, until Kenny shows up late and goes with Updating Team Names... And suddenly, my vote became crystal clear.

As someone who writes a weekly blog that averages between 2,000 and 3,000 words, not to mention...

• Coordinating/managing the whole goddamn league
• Balancing 10 busy people's calendars to schedule the draft
• Recording all weekly scores for bonus payouts and statistical info for other blog posts
• Weekly Gameday Threads allowing everyone to chat during game viewings (where was everyone yesterday??)
• Generally, doing everything I can to keep each and every league member engaged and interested in the league no matter if they are in 1st or Last Place

...it annoys me to hear someone say it's their pet peeve to update their team name time per week because they can't access it from a mobile device. Three things:

1. Given everything I just wrote, eat my ass.
2. You work sitting at a computer for 50 hours a week. It takes less than a minute to change your team name. See Point #1.
3. You absolutely CAN update your team name using a mobile device - I just did. Per the transitive property, you are full of shit.

/rant over

Team Name Topic

This week's topic was inspired by a facebook post from our olf MNF pal, and very proud ND Irish, Christoff.

What "corporate-speak" phrase would you like to permanently eliminate from the English language? I could list off dozens here, but I don't want to steal anyone's thunder. 

Most everyone on this has worked in some sort of setting that either was corporate, or reflected corporate culture. Yes, we all know some of you work for the government (and that's why you voted Democrat), but I'm sure they still use bullshit phrases and terms in your offices too. Which ones just piss you off to no end?

There should be no shortage of options this week. And since it is a short week, let's all try to have these updated before Thanksgiving... deal? 

The Games

Very abbreviated updates today. Forgive me if this is your pet peeve.

Jerks (78) vs. Coconuts (148)

• Juan destroyed me by 70. The only starting player on his team to not score a TD was Seabass. If not for my massacre of Gow earlier in the year, Juan would easily have the inside track to biggest blowout.
• Five picks for my supposedly-MVP candidate QB. Figure it the fuck out, Matty Ice.
• Juan still trails me by a game in 2nd place, but has taken over the Total Points tiebreaker. My butthole just puckered up a little...
• Gronk...

Crapswell (60) vs. K Hana (47)

• What a trainwreck. These 2 teams combined still trail Coconuts by 40 points. 
• Crapswell leads by 13 with Forte, V Davis, and SF D going tonight. Kenny has Chicago D is will probably lose an important game between two 5-5 teams.

JoJo (100) vs. Crabs (78)

• Very good day for JoJo despite keeping Andre Johnson's 33+ points on his bench.
• JoJo still has Gore going while Crabs is done, so these teams will be tied at 6-5 after tonight.

Whitebread (66) vs. Titwarmer (74)

• What has happened to Whitey's team...? Manning was his only starter to score a TD yesterday. And starting him over RG3 cost him 12 points.
• I just want to point out that Ned is going to win this week and the biggest reason why was because he spent all of $1 on Marcel Reece 2 weeks ago, and he net almost 200 total yards yesterday. This is why everyone should always keep fighting...because you never know.
• Ned will win and for now, meaning until tonight is over, keep is very slim dream alive of making the playoffs.
• Whitey now joins Ned on life support.

Gow (82) vs. Dallus (68)

• Danario Alexander got 2 TD's yesterday, one which shouldn't have counted, and that is about the only positive news about Gow's team.
• Dallus fared even worse yesterday, but still has a chance with Marshall going tonight. Very important playoff match, as you will see below...

Projected Standings

The only match in doubt is Gow-Dallus, and for these projections, I'm assuming Gow hangs on tonight.

As always, point totals include yesterday's games.

	Team	Record	Points
1st	Jerks	8-3	1143
2nd	Coconuts	7-4	1154
3rd	JoJo	6-5	1078
4th	Crabs	6-5	1027
5th	Crapswell	6-5	1008
6th	Gow	6-5	995
7th	K Hana	5-6	998
8th	Dallus	4-7	1032
9th	Whitebread	4-7	949
10th	Titwarmer	3-8	968

So... 4 teams at 6-5. If these are the standings tomorrow, it means there is a clear group of teams with an inside track to the playoffs, and 3 other teams with a very difficult final 2 weeks. 

Yes, I said 3 teams. Because if these are your standings tomorrow, Ned would be officially eliminated. With 6 teams at 6+ wins, he would not mathematically be able to make the playoffs with 2 weeks to go. 

So if you prefer the drama... you are rooting for Brandon Marshall and Dallus tonight. If Marshall scores 14+ points, Dallus/Gow/Kenny would all be at 5-6... and Ned would still have life.

If you've read most of the Monday Updates going back to when I started writing them, you know where my rooting interest lies: I love the chaos. Go Marshall. Go Dallus. Go crazy, folks. Go crazy.

Next Week

Here's a preview at the all important slate of games for Week 12:

• Jerks vs. JoJo
• Crapswell vs. Coconuts
• Whitebread vs. Crabs
• Gow vs. Ned
• Dallus vs. Kenny

I just realized that even if Dallus wins tonight, either he or Kenny will get to 6 wins next week. Which means.... sorry Ned.

Tonight

Springsteen concert last Monday. Short week with a lot of shit to get done at home before Thanksgiving.

Sorry... wish I could be there, but it's a no go for me. Hopefully next week.

SF-CHI. Two teams that play crazy good defense and run the ball... and now BOTH backup Qb's will be starting. Oh goodie... I'm predicting a record shortest 1st Quarter tonight. Drink fast, boys. This game has potential to be shittier than the PIT-BAL circle jerk last night.

And enjoy the short week and the holiday, everyone. Whatever your plans may be, travel safe and eat heartily.

Week 11 Gameday Thread

I'm just hanging out on Saturday watching the #1 & #2 teams in college football fighting to keep their National Championship hopes alive, not to mention Gophers-Badgers college hockey on the big screen. 

Anyway, may as well start this thread now since Jack Attack is down for the night, and so is the wife who never stays up late.

If you're out there tonight, join me here... Otherwise, I'll see you tomorrow.

As a reminder, these are the matchups this week. LOTS of playoff implications.

• Jerks vs. Coconuts
• Andy vs. Kenny 
• Crabs vs. JoJo 
• Whitebread vs. Titwarmer
• Gow vs. Dallus

It's a crazy Saturday night, boys...

Monday Update: Like A Boss

Gentlemen,

I know everyone's favorite part of the Update each week is when I break the news as to whether or not I will be in attendance at Sally's... Let me just skip ahead and and confirm that I will not be there this evening.

Instead, I will be in downtown Saint Paul, attending what I believe is my 15th or 16th time seeing The Boss. No, not George Steinbrenner. Nor my wife.

THE BOSS.

I missed him last night, and heard be absolutely killed it. Can. Not. Wait.

The Usual Pep Talk
What is there to say? We have 3 weeks left.

The trade deadlines came and went last week with nary a peep. Ok... I guess that means you're all completely satisfied with your rosters at this point. Even though some of you are starting 2 Rams RB's...

Gents, we'll get to the projected standings further on down, but things are tightening up quite a bit. There are ZERO teams that have been eliminated up to this point, which means there is going to be that much more disappointment and/or elation come Week 13.

You can not afford to get complacent. You can not afford to be lazy. The next 3 weeks will define your season. Three wins means you make the playoffs. Three losses means you're dicking around in the consolation bracket. And something in between leaves you in a very precarious position of hoping the right teams around you win and lose.

Do not leave your fate to scoreboard watching. You control your destiny. You can write the remainder of this season's script. But it will not come easy. These will be the most competitive and hard-fought games you'll have this season. Because everyone is fighting for the same thing.

Who wants it more?

The "Sorry, My Bad" PSA
So, I sat down to watch last night's game, flipped open the laptop, and immediately realized I never put up a Gameday Thread for yesterday. Oops.

Truth be told, I don't have a great story about it. We were at my folks for brunch in the morning and watched most of the early games there. Went back to our house in the afternoon, played with the kiddo, got him down for a nap, dozed a little myself... nothing really interesting.

Yahoo! was having major server issues yesterday which contributed to my lack of logging on and realizing this sooner.

Anyway, for those of you that were sitting around wanting to talk smack and felt you were unable to do so... Sorry, my bad.

The Vikings
Well, that was predictable. Let's look horrible for a couple of weeks to get everyone off the bandwagon and then we'll roll over the Lions without Harvin just to mess with people.

This team is 6-4. That should be good enough for fans to get their hopes up of a possible playoff spot. But that upcoming schedule is BRUTAL, boys.

You're probably going to need a 10-6 record to make the playoffs, especially since we lost the tiebreaker with SEA. Can you find 4 wins in there? Can you even find 3?

If it set the over under at 2.5 Wins for those 6 games, which side are you taking?

The Gophers
We're going bowling!

I did 30 seconds of research and discovered that we're projected to make something called the Meineke Car Care of Texas Bowl. And our projected opponent would be West Virginia. While it seems cool that we'd be good enough to make the same bowl game as WV, holy hell we'd get housed in that game.

Still, the team won 6 games and considering how we looked last season, I'll take it. Well done, Jerry.

Not a good looking man

Cracker's College Football Corner
1. Bowl Bound! Tell us about the potential bowl games we could make, considering we still have 2 games left. What are the best & worse case scenarios for bowls?

With OSU, PSU, Illinois, Indiana, Purdue, and Iowa not going to bowl games and MSU still in need of one more win to become eligible (remaining games Northwestern & @ Minnesota) the B1G has a lot more bowl tie-ins than they have bowl eligible teams.  That means we are likely looking at the Meineke Car Care Bowl (Houston) or the Buffalo Wild Wings Bowl (Tempe--formerly Insight.com bowl).  The BWW bowl is the higher of the two and it will probably require us to beat MSU to go there.  The absolute best case scenario would be to win the last two, jump Northwestern, and play in the Gator Bowl in Orlando but my money right now would be on Houston.

2. What are the strengths of this Gopher team? I watched on Saturday, and I've seen plenty of games this season, but I can't seem to figure out what we consistently do well.

The defense is stronger than the offense and the strongest part of the team is the pass defense.  Nationally, our defense ranks #25 in the country allowing 336 yards per game (last year we gave up 403 yards per game).  The pass defense ranks 7th nationally in yards allowed (168.8 yds/game) and 16th in pass efficiency.  We aren't necessarily a great defense but we can be great when we play from ahead and our defensive line can rush the passer.  Our rush defense ranks 74th in the country so if the other team can get their running game going and get a lead it neutralizes our strength.  The other thing our coaches have tried to do is shorten most of the games by running the ball a lot on offense to keep our defense off the field.  When we can't get a push on the OL it puts the defense out there and puts pressure on them.  That is what Iowa and Wisconsin did to us and why we got gashed in those two games.

3. Bucky is playing in the Big Ten championship game (because OSU and PSU can't stay out of trouble). Looks like their opponent will either be Michigan or Nebraska. Who should we be rooting for? In other words, who is more likely to beat Wisconsin and prevent them from going to a 3rd consecutive Rose Bowl?

I personally think Nebraska is better than Michigan and has already beat Wisconsin so I guess I'll go with the Huskers.  That being said, we play Nebraska this week and you won't see me cheering for them.  If Michigan ends up in the game I think they're good enough to beat Bucky too.  Michigan actually has the better run defense between the two of them so they would match up pretty well against Wisconsin.

4. We'll get into this more after all the games are played, but as a Gopher rube, what about this team gets you excited for next season and beyond?

I think the encouraging thing is that we're so young on offense and still seeing success.  The offensive line that we've used most of the season consists entirely of freshman and sophomores because the only two upperclassmen on the OL (both juniors) have been injured for most of the season.  Kirkwood (soph) seems likely to hit 1000 yards (819 currently with 3 games remaining) and that will be our first 1000 yard rusher since 2006 when Mason was coach.  We actually started 9 underclassmen, 1 junior and 1 senior on offense when we hung 40+ on Purdue and that includes a true freshman QB.  I think that this team is going to get a lot better as the offense gets more experience.

Team Names
Well, two of you failed at life this week. I know one of you protects very important people, and this was an Election Week, not to mention your entire city was underwater a couple days ago... so we give you a pass, Crapswell.

Crabs on the other hand... He texted me at Noon yesterday to try and switch McFadden out of his lineup. So, it appears he really was busy or just completely mailed it in this week. Or both.

You two degenerates don't make the board this week. Remember, the topic was A Sign You're Getting Old.

Who had the Best Team Name in Week 10?

***VOTE IN SIDEBAR***

I'm going with Gowser. Coupons&BuyingInBulk. It's just nice to finally have confirmation that Gow is indeed, a Jew.

I will say that I did like NPR & PBS, but Dallus, this is really a sign that you're becoming a liberal hipster stoner.

Also, I enjoyed hearing about JoJo's hair loss nightmares.

Who had the Worst Team Name in Week 10?

***VOTE IN SIDEBAR***

Gotta go with Ruptured Achilles. First of all, that happened like 2-3 years ago, which means you're like middle-aged now. Second, the topic wasn't "A Sign That You're Terrible At Football" or "A Sign That You Suck At Running Out The Clock When We're Up With Like 10 Seconds Left And They Don't Have Any Timeouts".

Team Name Topic
Hey Dickheads... Does anyone read these? If you want to continue with the Team Name shenanigans, and 2 of you seemed to not really care this week, I need some new material. PLEASE GIVE IT SOME THOUGHT AND SEND ME IDEAS.

I think we may have done this before, but it came up as a discussion at MNF last week, so we'll roll with it again: Biggest Pet Peeve.

I'm going to put a caveat in here that none of these can be driving/traffic/car related. I'm pretty sure those dominated the list last time around, and they're an easy answer. Dig a little deeper...

And by the way, if it's simply a pet peeve, and not your BIGGEST pet peeve, that's fine. The goal is to be original, funny, and try to win the Best Team Name vote. You will earn it by people reading your team name as saying "Yeah that really IS annoying. I hate that too!"

Tell us what pisses you off.

The Games
Going to run through these quickly...

Gow vs. Kenny

• Welcome back, Jimmy Graham. We all now hate you even more, except for Gow.
• Just want to again point it out... TWO Rams RB's in the same starting lineup.
• Decker, Reg Bush, Lloyd, Rashad Jennings: combined 9.6 points.
• Gow leads 118-42. Kenny still has Wallace and Heath Miller and who cares? Gow wins.

Coconuts vs. Crabs

• Eli started: 2.7 points. Dalton benched: 24 points. #ClassicCoconuts
• Turner started: 1.5 points. FJax benched: 22 points. #ClassicCoconuts
• Coconuts' optimal lineup would have net him 153. He ended up with 89. #ClassicCoconuts
• Big days from Gonzo and AP for Crabs.
• Despite not checking his team this week, Crabs gets the win. #ClassicCoconuts

Jerks vs. Crapswell

• Honestly, nothing really fun about my team to discuss. Matt Ryan had a great day. Everyone else was somewhere between ok and good. I'll take it.
• The Ravens scored 55, yet Boldin scored all of 3.8 pts for Andy.
• In fact, other than Doug Martin (who was mortal yesterday) and Russell Wilson continuing with his golden horseshoe routine, Crapswell's team REALLY sucked yesterday. 
• Thus our score is 104-60. Andy still has everyone's favorite Hebrew Ike Redman going this evening.

Whitebread vs. Dallus

• Weird game for Peyton Manning. Very efficient and well played, but the DEN defense and special teams both scored keeping him off the field and not scoring. 
• No one played horrible for Whitebread, but no one jumped off the page either. Sort of a non-descript week for his team.
• Dallus, on the other hand, is headed towards his 2nd consecutive Points Bonus. Read that again.
• Basically, everyone played well or scored or both for Dallus. Lucky bastard.
• Whitebread trails 122-84 and has a stupid kicker going tonight. Both teams to 4-6.

Ned vs. JoJo

• What a plug & play for Ned: Broncos defense. You can look up their stat line, but they net him 28 points!
• Throw in Blair Walsh with 15 and Ned got 43 points from his Kicker and Defense alone. That score is beating Kenny right now.
• JoJo finally got a big game from Calvin yesterday. I'm sure he forgave him for the rest of the season...
• This is really the only close game going tonight. JoJo trails by 9 with Jamaal Charles, while Ned counters with Bowe. Ned still fighting to stay alive...feel like I've been on repeat with that line.

Projected Standings

I'm going to assume all the current teams leading (including Ned) maintain their lead after tonight. That would mean the standings would like as such tomorrow, not including tonight's points:

	Team	Record	Points
1st	Jerks	8-2	1066
2nd	Coconuts	6-4	1006
3rd	Crabs	6-4	941
4th	Crapswell	5-5	946
5th	K. Hana	5-5	939
6th	Gow	5-5	912
7th	Dallus	4-6	964
8th	JoJo	4-6	962
9th	Whitebread	4-6	874
10th	Titwarmer	3-7	888

There could be some movement based on points. For example, Kenny could overtake Andy for 4th. And JoJo could certainly pass Dallus for 7th. But overall, this is probably close to what you'll see in the morning.

Not to repeat the earlier peptalk, but those final playoffs spots are there for the taking for anyone who steps up.

Next Week's Matchups

• Jerks vs. Coconuts (1st vs. 2nd place)
• Andy vs. Kenny (4th vs. 5th place)
• Crabs vs. JoJo 
• Whitebread vs. Titwarmer (HUGE game for survival)
• Gow vs. Dallus (HUGE playoff implications here)

I'm already looking forward to these games. Going to be a lot of fun next week.

Tonight
Sorry...no exciting diarrhea stories this week.

As I mentioned, I'm out tonight to rock like a boss, with The Boss. Looks like I'm missing a real exciting game... 

The real drama will be the Ned vs. JoJo Battle of Which Chief Can Suck Least. Hopefully, you all find some excitement there.

And maybe the 1st Quarter will be amazing. Since I'm not there, it's likely.

Enjoy the game, boys.

Three more weeks...

Monday Update: Politics & Diarrhea

Gentlemen,

Tomorrow is Election Day. Oh goodie.

I actually like Election Day, especially on Presidential years. It's just something different that doesn't happen very often. You get to miss an extra hour or two of work. You go through the process of standing in the line with people that are older than dirt, and then having some dude in a horrible sweater give you extended instructions on how to fill bubbles next to names. I think I can manage, guy. Then you go into the little peep show and take off your pants and vote. It's democracy at work!

And it sort of plays out like a sporting event. There is a clear winner & loser. There are fans on both sides that are extremely passionate. If you vote, which everyone should, you have a vested stake in the outcomes.

The whole thing is just kinda fun. Even though my supposed "team" is likely going to get slaughtered. What else is new? I'm pretty used to losing at this point... this is Minnesota after all. We suck at everything these days.

However... Nov 6 is not the only key date this week. This Friday, Nov 9 is our official TRADE DEADLINE. All trades completed before midnight on Friday night will be approved.

We only have 4 regular season weeks left after tonight. And you all still have a shot at this point. Even Ned with 7 losses... if he can pull out a win tonight, who's to say he couldn't get hot and win out. And kudos to him for still fighting. Still making trades and meticulously managing his team this past week. He should he an inspiration to all of us.

If you're currently in the bottom half of the league, the time for being patient has past. Throw caution to the wind and take the necessary risks. Nothing is guaranteed, but you don't want to look back in a month and think "what if?"

I know I've written my pep talks in this space numerous times... But each week that gets closer to the end of the season becomes even more critical. And you can't swing a trade next week. The time to act is now. You need to win now.

The final month of our regular season is shaping up to be competitive and compelling. Make sure go into it with the best possible team you can assemble.

Good luck, gents.

The Vikings
Analysis from my Dad yesterday:

"Fire all our coaches!" #clark #vikings
— Clark (@ClarkWisdom) November 4, 2012

I don't entirely disagree. Certainly would not mind seeing Musgrave canned. And Frazier at this point inspires no confidence, that was certainly evident from Harvin yesterday.

BTW, that Twitter account is actually a joke account manned by my brother, but the majority of the tweets are actual quotes from Señor 'Stache. 

Oy vey, Ponder sucks. I still think you play him the rest of the year to see if he can show any signs of improvement or promise - that's what this year was supposed to be about after all. I don't really know what anyone gains by benching him, although then I wouldn't have to watch him anymore. But I think you need to know 100% at the end of the year if he is worth continuing to invest in, or if we should go another direction.

Fuck a duck. A month ago, I thought we had finally figured out our QB situation for the future, and now it's as questionable as ever. GODDAMMIT.

The Gophers
I actually watched a decent portion of Gophers-Michigan on Saturday. Not sure why... glutton for punishment, I guess.

To be honest, I didn't think MN looked that bad, certainly not as bad as the score. Gotta figure out a way to score TD's in the red zone.

And our defense was hideous. I make no bones about that.

Let's hear from the White One...

Cracker's College Football Corner
1. My shorthand take of the Gopher game: we played better than the score. Red zone execution really hurt. Defense was bad. Fair? Agree/disagree?

The defense was awesome in the first quarter (3 Michigan series resulted in two 3-and-outs, one interception and 9 total yards).  After that they made plays and would continue to look good on many downs but when a play was needed to get Michigan off the field we consistently failed to execute on plays that were makeable.  I think the play that highlights it is sacking Gardner to make it third and 17.  Gardner takes the snap, rolls right, looks to option 1—covered, moves on to option 2—covered, pressure comes from the DT so Gardner spins and scrambles left where after 10 seconds of coverage he finds an open WR in the end zone for a TD.  From there on out it was a series of good defense and then failure to make plays to get off the field (missed tackles, dropped INT’s that turn in to catches and penalties—some of which were questionable).  The offense did pretty much the same thing.  Move the ball but then fail to convert in the red zone or get a first down or two and then take a penalty that kills the drive.  It was frustrating because Michigan really didn’t feel like a better team while watching the game.  They just made plays and capitalized on our mistakes when there were opportunities and we failed to execute on our opportunities.

2. I've already read that we are favored next weekend in Champaign. Am I the only one with a bad feeling about this?

Every game worries me because our margin of error isn’t great.  That being said, Illinois (2-7, 0-5) is a pretty bad team.  Their offense ranks 110^th nationally in passing and 99^th nationally in rushing and 117^th nationally (out of 119) in points scored.  Meanwhile their points against ranks 98^th nationally (despite returning most of what was a top 10 ranked defense nationally last year).  So, yes, this looks like one of those games where we could find a way to lose to an inferior opponent.

3. Alabama, Notre Dame, Kansas State, Oregon... a couple quick questions:

Who are the 2 best teams?
Bama & Oregon

What matchup would make the best championship game?
Bama & Oregon - The contrast in styles would be like oil & water and Oregon is the team that has the best chance at putting points on the board against Alabama.

(Bonus) Worst match-up is Notre Dame & Bama - The media hype and fawning over ND leading up to that game would be more painful than tv leading up to the election

Based on schedules and what you know about the BCS, what's your National Championship matchup prediction?

Bama & Oregon with Alabama repeating

i.      Bama gets its toughest test until the SECCG this week when they play Texas A&M.  I just don’t see A&M as having the fire power to beat Bama.  In the SECCG they will likely be facing Georgia (assuming they beat Auburn this weekend).   Bama has more talent and the better coach so barring turnovers I don’t see UGA knocking them off.

ii.      Oregon has the toughest remaining schedule (@ Cal (who isn’t good) vs. #14 Stanford, @ #11 Oregon State + Pac12 CG) but if the Ducks can beat the Beavers at Corvalis I think they’re in the clear.  The tough schedule will allow them to move to the #2 spot in the BCS Standings. 

iii.      Kansas State may have lost their QB to injury which will definitely hurt their chances of remaining undefeated.  There isn’t a Big 12 CG so their path is easier but it will also hurt their SoS if it comes down to that.  They also will be crucified by voters if it comes down to them vs. Oregon because they were supposed to play this year but KSU cancelled the game.  In that situation, tie goes to Oregon.

iv.      Notre Dame has a cake walk for their next two games (@ BC (2-7, 1-5) and Wake Forest (5-4, 3-4)) before ending the season at USC.  I think Notre Dame is better than USC but for some reason I think USC will really get up for that game and they’ll find a way to put up points on the Notre Dame secondary.

Happy (Belated) Halloween!

Love, 

La Rasa

Team Names
What a weird week. I figure I threatened Favorite Cereal so much, I might get some ideas. I do not, so instead, I decided to be more timely with the Halloween candy.

Either people revolted our didn't even read the blog because the next thing I know there are 3 or 4 teams names after cereals. Ok... I guess the league has collectively rejected the Team Name Topic for the week. I can play ball.

But then some people went off the beaten path and I don't even know how to evaluate.

Vote however you want, but I'm strictly looking at the names in the context of cereals and that's it. And by the way, some of you like some pretty horrible cereals...

Best Team Name
I'm going with Cocoa Puffs, simply because it's the other cereal that I could have chosen other than Cinny Toast. Cocoa Puffs are fucking delicious. The wife doesn't really approve of us getting sugary cereal, but when she goes out of town, I will plow my way through a box of Cocoa Puffs or Cinny Toast with reckless abandon. So good.

***VOTE IN SIDEBAR***

Worst Team Name
3rd Worst - Rice Crispy Cereal. I realize Gow is trying to be funny, but it doesn't have the same affect when he is the one ripping on Asians.

2nd Worst - Life. Unless the formula for Life has changed since I was a kid, the cereal is horrible. I remember when my parents got this and I couldn't stand eating it. I was like 6 and I'd sneak and dump some into the garbage because it was so bad and I didn't want to have to keep consuming it. It was just mush instantly when you poured milk on it. Disgusting.

Worst - Raisin Nut Bran. Truth be told, I've never had the "Nut" version. But seriously, there are fucking raisins in this cereal. Automatic worst.

***VOTE IN SIDEBAR***

Take 5 is think was supposed to be funny, because "I eat it as a cereal"...

Water on Cereal - is that a Hurricane Sandy joke?

Team Name Topic
This was an actual text from Gow this week as a Team Name Topic suggestion that I will submit without further editorial: "To describe your opponents team this season... If their team was a car, what kind of car would they be?"

Most of you either suggested repeat ideas or ideas that don't really work when 10 people need to come up with something... So, I'll say it again: I NEED MORE IDEAS.

Let's try this one: A Sign That You're Getting Old.

We're all at least 30 at this point, some of us have been for a while... *COUGH* NED *COUGH*. I'm sure you've noticed things or do things differently now than when you were a young pup.

This idea came to me because I'm actually starting to go out of my way to watch 60 Minutes. I actually get excited about the show. I was pissed that Aaron Rodgers was on last night, ruining it for me. I used to detest that fucking ticking. Now, I can't wait to see Morley Safer's awful scrotum face each week.

Try to come up with something funny. Don't pull some bullshit like "I have a mortgage now" or "I have kids in school." Screw that, I want to hear about your gray pubes or the age spot on your ass. Be honest, you old farts.

The Games
Some really big scores yesterday, and a number of very strong individual player performances. If you didn't have at least one player score in the 20's, you probably didn't win. Let's review:

Jerks vs. Kenny

• Kenny's long been my Kryptonite, and that didn't change this week. Despite being massively favored (according to the projections), I just had a feeling this was not going to be my week. 
• The Bears Defense is just ridiculous. I can't imagine they're going to keep generating turnovers and scoring TD's at this crazy rate, but I've been saying that for weeks now. They are the single biggest reason Kenny's team has been competitive this season.
• Decker strongly outplayed Demaryius yesterday, TD's were 2-to-0. Had those number flipped the other way, we could have had a very tight matchup going into tonight. 
• I mean Torrey Smith scored against me. When that happens, you just shake your head and move on. 
• Kenny needed the win much more than I - he moves to 5-4. I fall to 7-2.

Crapswell vs. Crabs

• There is really only one headline for this game: Muscle Hamster. 272 total yards and 4 TD's for Mr. Doug Martin. That's over 51 fantasy points, gents.
• Seriously, Drew had 3 other guys (Rodgers, Forte, Redman...?) go over 20 points.
• Drew is a lock for the Points Bonus.
• Oh yeah, Crabs was here too. He actually looked alright for a while with Leshoure getting 3 TD's of his own. 
• And AP was running wild in Seattle. Sigh... can't believe we lost that game...
• McFadden finally got hurt.
• Cruz and Harvin had off weeks. 
• Crabs still trails by about 60 with Garrett Hartley... 
• Both teams move to 5-4.

Dallus vs. JoJo

• Lost in the #TeachMeToDougie craziness, Dallus had a HUGE day.
• Basically eveyone on Dallus' team had themselves a day. Brandon Marshall had the biggest and eclipsed the 30pt mark.
• Chris Johnson had the biggest Garbage Time TD ever.
• At one point yesterday, Dallus lead JoJo by like 115pts.
• JoJo benched Calvin Johnson. Bold, bro. BOLD.
• The newly acquired Roddy & Andre both had matching 118yard performances. #NotBad
• JoJo still trails by like 80 with Brees and Pierre Thomas. 
• JoJo falls to 4-5. Dallus keeps hope alive at 3-6.

Coconuts vs. Titwarmer

• The week started nicely for Juan with 25 points from Chargers D. I played them in my dad's league and they got like 20 of those points in 90 seconds. I was not amused.
• AJ Green and VJax continued they're strong seasons with 16 points each.
• Eli sucked. Nice 3 points.
• Juan really got a late surprising 16pts, thanks to Michael Turner. He had one drive where he got about 12-13 of it alone. The rest of the night, he looked horrible.
• To Ned's credit, he's still making trades and doing everything he can to keep his season alive. His newly acquired Alf Mo didn't really contribute that well with 8 pts.
• Nothing flashy, but Ned scratched and clawed his way to 77 points, and still has DeSean Jackson going tonight.
• Thanks to Turner, Ned needs 15 from DJax or his season is probably over, except for playing spoiler. I'll be rooting for Ned tonight.

Whitebread vs. Gow

• If you dodged one of Gow's terrible trade offers last week, consider yourself lucky. Sounds as if most of you did not.
• This match is bad. One of these teams will get a win, which is sad.
• Cracker seems to think RG3 had multiple TD's stolen from him. He's right... Manning stole them and kept them on the bench.
• Jared Cook had points stolen from them. Really, he did. He scored -1.4. 
• Shaun Suisham had negative rushing yards.
• Gow started Peyton Hillis.
• Gow started 3 WR that scored a combined 3 points. 
• Peruse their box score to find more hilarity...
• Despite all this, they both have a couple heavy hitters tonight: Whitey with McCoy, Gow has Graham.
• Gow currently sits at 4-4, Cracker at 3-5. I'll probably root for Cracker for this reason, and because it's Gow.

Potential Standings

I'm going to run this scenario and assume Coconuts holds his lead over Ned, and Whitebread beats Gow. So, this could certainly look a lot different tomorrow:

*Points include yesterday's games, but obviously nothing from tonight

Place	Team	Record	Points
1st	Jerks	7-2	951
2nd	Coconuts	7-2	917
3rd	Kenny Hana	5-4	897
4th	Crapswell	5-4	887
5th	Crabs	5-4	841
6th	JoJo	4-5	847
7th	Gow	4-5	780
8th	Whitebread	4-5	777
9th	Dallus	3-6	841
10th	Titwarmer	1-8	771

So the match between Gow & Whitebread really is huge tonight. A win for Gow would put him in 6th place, on the right side of the bubble, and would sink Cracker deep into 9th place tied with Dallus. 

Ned has a steep uphill climb the rest of the season, but he really needs tonight's match to go his way to even attempt said climb. A win for Ned would still keep him competitive, and though Juan would lose the game, he wouldn't slip in the standings.

As you can see, things are still very tight in the middle. Wins & losses are so HUGE right now, and we still have 4 weeks to play.

Here's your slate of matchups for next week:

• Jerks vs. Crapswell 
• Coconuts vs. Crabs
• JoJo vs. Ned
• Dallus vs. Whitebread (HUGE match for 2 teams trying to get on the right side of the bubble)
• Kenny vs. Gow

Last Week

So last Monday, I jinxed myself.... I made it a sure thing that I was going to MNF.

I was at this pretty important offsite that basically is fundamentally changing how my specific team does their work. Not that you care...

We had lunch catered in from Lunds. I ordered the Southwest Salad. When lunch arrived, I went to the kitchen to get more water, came back and the only meal left was this nasty looking Asian Wrap. Yes, I thought it was nasty strictly because it was Asian.

It did not look this good.

There were 2 Southwest Salads in the room, both already being consumed. I knew immediately who had mine. This doofus guy who has been with the company way too long: FUCKING STEVE. 

We checked the list to see who ordered the Asian Wrap, and of course it's FUCKING STEVE. He goes all "Oh no, I know I ordered the Southwest Salad. There must be a mistake." So I get stuck with this goddamn Asian Wrap... and as I knew it would be, it was disgusting.

I seriously gagged on the first bite. And the second. Eventually, my palette became numb to it and I was so hungry, I needed something in my system to stay alert in the afternoon. I only finished half of the thing.

Mid-afternoon, my stomach starts bothering me. I didn't think too much of it, just kept drinking liquids to hopefully calm it down. 

Drove home with the wife and starting to really feel sick. Getting chills. Got home and felt like my body was on ice. Took the hottest shower possible, skin should have been scalded. Felt nice.

Got out of shower, and we have physical illness. VOMIT EVERYWHERE. Mostly in the toilet, but I was rushing to it as it came out so we had a small misfire. Heaving, heaving, heaving. Over and over. It was horrible.

Sent the text out. Got the sympathetic response I expected: "Pussy". Thanks, Coconuts.

Vomited 6 more times over the next 8 hours. Had diarrhea about every 20 minutes. Wiped my asshole raw. God, I hate that. I just want to poop, and it's so fucking painful. I discovered baby wipes are actually pretty nice when this happens. 

The red panties helped mask my bleeding anus

Stayed home from work on Tuesday. More of the same. Watched Price is Right, which sucks now. Watched ESPN's First Take, because I needed to feel even more pain. 

Being sick sucks. I don't wish Food Poisoning on any of you.

Tonight

I'll be there...? That's the plan, anyway.

We should have a good one. Eagles-Saints. Two teams that really don't seem too concerned with running the ball. And Vick could turn it over 5-6 times in the 1st Quarter. 

Good luck to those of you needing it tonight. 

Hope to see you all there.

Week 9 Gameday Thread

Welcome Gents.

We only have 5 more Sundays (including today) where all 10 of us will be competing. Hopefully, you are all spending today enjoying it.

I should be here most of the day. Let's try to get a lot of chatter going. It's been fairly absent lately.