If Jerks wasn't gonna post it, I was...to see the actual document that officially gave legitimacy to the fiery demise of Brother Sayyad was awe inspiring. Oh wait, what the fuck am I saying...HE NEVER EXISTED. All those times you said, "well I now have a Pakistani brother!" Nope, never happened. That drunk ass loud brown streak you saw walking around the house? Not exactly, you were hallucinating. What comes after 1645?!...1646? Wrong! that number doesn't exist. Oh and if that person who doesn't exist comes back on Beta Pi property? Hennepin County will prosecute "no one" for trespassing I guess.
What's that brown thing in the bottom left corner? Nothing. That's ahhhh, ummm....an Umppa Lumppa?
Once we all had a good laugh about someone's gallant attempt to silence reality, I started paging through the roll books from the 1960's. To my astonishment, I finally found who I can thank for defending BOTT from being the lethargic unpatriotic pricks we all are!
Thanks to Jeff and Randy! How did that Vietnam thing work out?
I for one would like to welcome the new change in venue to Sensor's. However, I don't care to give anymore attention or money to the Sensor family ever since meeting Joe's skankfest/cumdumpster daughter (Brittnai -- yeah even her name is spelled like a hooker would spell it) at Kenni's apartment in 2003. What a flaming bitch that girl is. The moment Sally's opens, I hope Amy Sensor crashes her car into that place too.
You're a signer? Where can I listen to your songs? Itunes? No? Ohhhh MySpace. Cool, well I wish I could come see you performing at the Cable Ace Award's after party, but I have to shove an ice pick in my ear.
This is going to be incredibly abridged, so prepare to be disappointed.
Team Names
I'm sick of looking at Fridley Tumors and not understanding the reference.
Also, Tulsa Roadrunners? Dallus, did you even read the setup two weeks ago? It wasn't supposed to be an actual mascot... it was supposed to make fun of the town. Unless Tulsa has a history of hit-and-runs with joggers or something.
The topic this week is Something You Learned at the BOTT Reunion. This doesn't have to be scientific... just something that surprised you or was interesting to find out from the events this past weekend. This can be 100% truthful, or sort of half-truth in order to be funny. At least try to be funny.
As an example, mine is: Amelious Whyte is Still A Thing.
For the jerks that didn't show, pretend you did. Either reference something that you've learned despite not showing (e.g. _______ is gay!) or make something up that is probably likely (e.g. Lunas lives at home!).
This shouldn't be that difficult. Let's goal to have them all updated by the Thursday night game. Please and thank you.
BTW, we found this in the roll books:
#Stricken
#Trail
#NeverWas
The Games
Ike Crabs (138.76) beats Juan Coconuts (91.38). In an upset, Juan did not complain about Calvin Johnson.
Marcus Whitebread (135.60) leads Rod Jerks (119.26). Still to play:
Whitebread: Garcon, Hauschka
Jerks; Russ Wilson
Whitey is 90% favorite and it's probably more than that because success for Wilson is somewhat correlated to success for Hauschka. I'll probably lose with the 2nd-highest score this week and yes I'm crabby about it. Gonna be 2-3 despite a legitimate change to lead the league in points after tonight. Stupid Philly D...
Dick Dallus (126.58) leads Bill Fredricks (96.38). Still to play:
Bill: Lynch
Dallus is a 92% favorite, although I think Bill has a better chance to pull this out than I do. Still, 30 points is an awful lot to ask for.
Kenni Hanna (90.50) leads Ned Titwarmer (71.64) that just makes me angry. Still to play:
Ned: Cousins
Kenni is a 79% favorite to go to 4-1 despite his team being mostly terrible.
NooShoo Gow (133.98) leads Andy Crapswell (103.10). Still to play:
Andy: Alf Morris, Seattle D
Gow is a 79% favorite, but it was much higher. I turned the late game off when Gronk scored his TD and at that point Gow was up like 50-60 points. Then apparently Gostkowski kicked like 17 FG's and now this is actually possible for Andy.
Tonight
Are we sticking with BWW or are we tired of the terrible service enough to try something else. To prevent a debate, I'm going to go ahead and going to deem that something else to be Joe Sensors. We can debate alternate locations tonight, but not enough time for a debate today.
I get there late, so it makes little difference to me - I'll go with the majority. You guys decide. Vote in the comments or via the text group.
Juan, you may want to put the Do Not Disturb on...
I made no secret of my love for Teddy going into the draft in May. One game (against a bad defense no less) does not a career make, but how great was yesterday?
Our resident draft guru Gow is a noted Teddy hater - and Gow being Gow, he's not likely to admit being wrong - that will constantly point to Teddy's "weak" arm, as if playing QB was an arm-wrestling contest. Nevermind his ability to avoid the rush, step up in the pocket, progress through his reads, and deliver the ball accurately to guys in stride. If he can't throw the ball through a brick wall, then Gow isn't interested.
(The video above is definitely worth watching, but make sure you're sitting down with a table or desk covering your crotchal region)
While I'm busying carving Teddy's HOF bust, I do recognize that this is one game. ONE. He's going to look bad, there are going to be growing pains, and the league will adjust as more film becomes available. But make no mistake, this is a good QB. And he plays for the Vikings. And he's only 21. He could easily be our guy for the next 10-15 years.
You should be embarrassed. I'm embarrassed for you. That's the sort of thing you wear because you lost a bet. There's no PRIDE in rocking an ugly piece of headgear that screams I'M FAT BECAUSE I EAT TOO MANY DAIRY PRODUCTS. In addition to hoping Aaron Rodgers gets hurt, I hope a race of giant alien mice descend upon Wisconsin. And then, I hope those alien mice overlords see your cheeseheads and go the fuck to town on you. That's what you suckers deserve.
"Setting the alarm for 4:30 tomorrow so we have enough time to get our icemen costumes ready"
Lots of good stuff in there. How the Packers statistically suck in the cold. How Green Bay is actually SOUTH of Minneapolis. Aaron Rodgers sucking some toes. How much of a fraud the Packers stock "ownership" is.
This picture just pisses me off for so many reasons
I so want the Vikings to win this game. The reality is they probably will not. Lambeau is a tough place to win, especially when it is NOT COLD. Teddy is hurting and may not even play.
"Yeah hi... it's Steve. Listen I can't come in today... I gotta stand on the side of the road with my homemade sign rather than meaningfully contribute to society. Go Pack Go."
But we can hope. And pray. It wouldn't be the first time a Vikings rookie embarrassed the Pack in Lambeau on national TV...
I really wanted to find highlights of that MNF game, but could not anywhere. God that season was so fun. We were so young and innocent back then... I had forgot Moss also had a 75-yard TD called back.
Anyways since I couldn't find that game, this is always a crowd favorite.
Go Vikings.
Eat a dick, Joe Buck.
Team Names
This is already too long. Andy, you take care of it this week.
The Games
Crapswell (157.66) vs. Dallus (125.52)
The only person creaming themselves about Teddy more than me yesterday was Poosk (24.38).
Crappy week from Dallus' non-QB's aside from Antonio Brown.
Still to play:
Crapswell: Gostkowski
Andy moves to 2-2, handing Dallus his first loss, and is also the heavy favorite for the Points Bonus.
Kenni (133.08) vs. Whitebread (114.10)
Kenni's magical run continues thanks to Luck who's scored 27+ points in 3 of 4 games (the other he scored 20).
Cracker continues to have a bad fantasy team, despite the 2 best QB's coming into the draft.
Still to play: nobody
Both guys are done. Kenni moves to 3-1, tied at the top. Cracker down to 1-3, tied at the bottom because...
Crabs (117.18) vs. Titwarmer (112.50)
Crabs' team finally decided to show up for the 2014 season. Double digits from everyone so far, except Ertz.
Ned started off slow with Cousins last week, no one really made up that difference for him.
Still to play:
Crabs: Brady, Bowe
Ned: Knile Davis
This was really a hailmary play by Ned, starting Davis and leaving himself no options. If Charles was out, this actually might be interesting, but he likely won't be. Crabs is a 99% favorite and should get his first win.
Fredricks (101.58) vs. Coconuts (83.68)
Bill's team has looked really good to this point, despite his record. This was a down week for him and appears karma is paying him back.
Juan really loves to complain about stuff.
Still to play:
Bill: Edelman
Juan: Charles
Bill is a 77% favorite. That's probably about right, but we'll know early on if Juan has a shot based on how Charles looks.
Jerks (119.92) vs. Gow (114.82)
Four weeks in, DeMarco Murray is the fantasy MVP (99.7 total pts). Only Luck could also be considered.
I thought my match was over after Chicago shat all over themselves in the 2nd half. But then Asiata outscored Shady by like 30 points.
Still to play:
Rod: Vereen, NE Defense
Gow: Alex Smith, Gronk
Gow is a 51% favorite with Yahoo's crappy projections - I actually think he should be higher given he has a QB and Gronk going. Smith's play will probably dictate how this thing plays out, since it will be against my defense. There's potential for some big swings... imagine a Pick-Six:
-4 for Smith
+8 for my defense!
Either way, one of us will move to 3-1, the other 2-2. Big swing game.
Tonight
I usually try to wrap this up nicely, or add some wit at the end, but I got nothing today.
We won!!! No, seriously, we beat Michigan for only the second time since Bush was President and sadly I mean H.W. rather than W. The Gophers thoroughly beat Michigan 30-14 and the score actually makes the game seem more competitive than it was. The Gophers out-rushed Michigan 206-83 with David Cobb--currently #3 in the country in rushing--accounting for 183 himself. The senior averaged 5.7 yards per carry against a Michigan defense that entered the game ranked ninth in the country in run defense at 80.3 yards per game. Not only that but one week after notching only one completion, the Gophers even out-gained Michigan 167-88 through the air.
Michigan was struggling to sell tickets before this game. It just got a lot harder.
If you didn't watch the game, some of the highlights came from shots of the crowd in Michigan Stadium.
Apparently Milhouse goes to Michigan...or is it Paul Pfeiffer from the Wonder Years?
He can't even look anymore.
So much dejection. You'd think they were Gopher fans and had lived through this their entire lives.
Well, at least something in the stadium is perky.
Sadness appears to be turning to anger.
Drink up! Taste those Wolverine tears.
More Little Brown Jug Footage.
Thankfully we treated it better than the last time we won a rivalry trophy.
Upcoming: Bye week. And then a very manageable October with Northwestern, @ Illinois & Purdue coming up.
If you're on the Ravens and conspire to commit a murder, you're allowed to stay and be championed as a hero and given a statue outside the stadium, if you knockout your girlfriend, you're cut. Ok got it.
