Monday Update: So... Where's the GIF's?

Gentlemen,

I'm now a dad x2, which means you're getting even less effort than usual with the Monday Update. I'm also digging out of 600+ emails, so today pretty much sucks all around.

Andy - you expressed some desire in filling-in this week... I'm doing the game recaps below, but feel free to chime-in with whatever nonsense you'd like to share.

A Quick Trade Discussion

Ok, this won't be quick, but it hasn't been had on the blog yet, so it's happening here. My goal with this is not to pull off the scabs from the trade deadline (ok, it kind of is) but to provide a better forum for discussion beyond the texts.

My stance is this... all the trades that were agreed upon were defensible and (somewhat*) reasonable, and given the late trade deadline, understandable. One team wanting to dump valuable players in favor of keepers, one team willing to let go of a keeper to boost their chances at a championship. That all makes sense to me.

*I say somewhat reasonable because I get the logic behind both sides, but the deals themselves were pretty lopsided in favor of the teams still contending. Charles, Julius, and Jeffery for essentially Benjamin is pretty unbalanced (Dallus - here's your chance to refute as you did yesterday), but that was apparently the market for decent keepers.

To me, as an example, Coconuts might have been able to sell those 3 players individually and get back more than one reasonable keep, but maybe the market just wasn't there. I don't know. I didn't have any keepers people wanted and thus couldn't get in on the bidding.

To me, keepable players were WAY overvalued at the deadline. But many of you obviously disagree with that stance. And the teams on the bottom purchasing said keepers didn't care if they were giving up 1 stud or 3 studs because they're out of contention anyway. #YOLO

A few of you wanted me to execute Commissioner control and reverse some of the deals, but that's an incredibly slippery slope. I don't really know what justification I had to do so, if both sides agreed upon a deal. And if I negate the Dallus-Coconuts deal, do I then also have to reverse the Kenni-Whitebread deal? And then also the Titwarmer-Crabs deal? Where do we draw the line?

You can make an argument about "spirit of competitive fun" (and I expect you do so, Gow) but what the hell does that actually mean in the context of the rules? If a trade is to be negated, there has to be justification to do so and it simply can't be because "Team X is getting too many good players." That's good work for Team X and a bummer for the rest of us, in my opinion.

And to those of you defending the deals as "balanced", "equal", or whatever: STOP. That is certainly not my argument, and shouldn't be your's either. Your right to make the deal is what I'm defending, not the deal itself. You played within the rules, and leveraged a situation to your advantage. But don't try to sell us all bullshit and disguise it as pumpkin pie (oblig Thanksgiving ref). We're all smarter than that, and so are you.

So rant away and let's get all this out in the open here. I know there are people that disagree with me, so let's have an active discussion and yell at each other. And at the end of all the finger-pointing and snark (OH THERE WILL BE SNARK), let's talk about what to do next season. I think most agree that moving up the trade deadline (to after Week 7 or 8) will suffice, but I've heard some dissent about that as well... Coconuts in particular thinks it won't solve the issue, but I really don't see teams on the bottom nuking their rosters with 5-6 weeks left to turn it around.

Sorry... this was anything but quick, but it's my first chance I've had to gather my thoughts about all this and I wanted to have the discussion, especially since I won't be at MNF for about a decade or so.

The Games

Jerks (146.14) beats Dallus (120.00), stopping the losing streak at four. Dez (22.6) and Demaryius (29.7) came to play and help offset Dallus getting 20 freaking points from his kicker. Dallus' team is stacked, but lack of a top-end QB may prove to be his downfall in the postseason.

Titwarmer (117.74) handles Coconuts (93.18). Amongst all the trades, Eddie Lacy may prove to be the most valuable player, and Mike Evans may end up being the best keeper next season. A very underrated move for both teams. The offseason can't get here soon enough for Coconuts.

Crapswell (95.86) leads Fredricks (82.74), in a very important matchup for playoff spots. Bill had a tough bye week with LeVeon, Cam, and others sitting. Andy's bench (96.5) outscored his starters so far with CJ Anderson, OBJ and Teddy all riding the pine. Andy still has Forsett and Orton going tonight, while Bill is praying for a monster Brees game. Andy is a 93% favorite, according to Yahoo.

Whitebread (113.04) narrowly leads Crabs (112.10), in a battle for the bottom. Or at least near the bottom. Cracker still has Ivory going, while Crabs has Flacco and Daniels. Here's what matters with this matchup. If Cracker holds on, it all but locks in Coconuts for L'ASS'T PLACE. If Crabs wins (and he needs a big night from his players), he still holds an outside shot at the playoffs. Crabs is a 90% favorite.

Kenni (121.96) leads Gow (118.52), in crucial matchup for playoff byes. Kenni still has Ingram and Torrey Smith going, while Gow is riding Buffalo D. A win for Kenni would put both byes up for grabs for three teams. If Gow were to pull it out, he would lock himself in for a Wk 15 semi-final playoff match.

Tomorrow's Standings Today

If Yahoo's projections hold, here will be the standings tomorrow, with 1 week to go:

Place	Team	Record
1st	Dallus	8-4
2nd	Gow	8-4
3rd	Kenni	8-4
4th	Crapswell	7-5
5th	Jerks	6-6
6th	Fredricks	6-6
7th	Titwarmer	6-6
8th	Crabs	5-7
9th	Whitebread	3-9
10th	Coconuts	3-9

Here's the matchups for next week:

• Gow vs. Jerks
• Dallus vs. Crapswell
• Kenni vs. Whitebread
• Fredricks vs. Coconuts
• Titwarmer vs. Crabs

A few observations:

• Kenni will need Gow or Dallus to lose because he is not winning any tiebreakers. 
• I said earlier Crabs had an outside shot, but that really is just mathematical - Crabs is not getting in the playoffs. 
• Ned is very much alive, and I'm very much at risk. 
• The range of outcomes for Andy/Bill are massive. Both have very slim shots at earning a bye, but also could miss the playoffs. The outcome of tonight's match (where Andy is a heavy favorite) is massive.
• There's a reasonable chance that an above-.500 team does not make the playoffs...would be the first time since we moved to 6 playoff teams. 

Tonight

I won't be there, probably for the rest of the season. As Andy stated, "We're gonna put you on IR". 

Whatever you guys do, I'll be texting at some point. I know you're all looking forward to it.

Have fun tonight, boys.

And Happy Thanksgiving.

Monday Update: Case of the Mondays

Gentlemen,

Busy day for me today, so I'm filling the space with GIF's.

Monday Update: Poor Effort

Gentlemen,

Do I have time for a Monday Update today?



This is going to be incredibly abridged, so prepare to be disappointed.

Team Names

I'm sick of looking at Fridley Tumors and not understanding the reference.

Also, Tulsa Roadrunners? Dallus, did you even read the setup two weeks ago? It wasn't supposed to be an actual mascot... it was supposed to make fun of the town. Unless Tulsa has a history of hit-and-runs with joggers or something.

The topic this week is Something You Learned at the BOTT Reunion. This doesn't have to be scientific... just something that surprised you or was interesting to find out from the events this past weekend. This can be 100% truthful, or sort of half-truth in order to be funny. At least try to be funny.

As an example, mine is: Amelious Whyte is Still A Thing.

For the jerks that didn't show, pretend you did. Either reference something that you've learned despite not showing (e.g. _______ is gay!) or make something up that is probably likely (e.g. Lunas lives at home!).

This shouldn't be that difficult. Let's goal to have them all updated by the Thursday night game. Please and thank you.

BTW, we found this in the roll books:

#Stricken

#Trail

#NeverWas

The Games

Ike Crabs (138.76) beats Juan Coconuts (91.38). In an upset, Juan did not complain about Calvin Johnson.

Marcus Whitebread (135.60) leads Rod Jerks (119.26). Still to play:

• Whitebread: Garcon, Hauschka
• Jerks; Russ Wilson

Whitey is 90% favorite and it's probably more than that because success for Wilson is somewhat correlated to success for Hauschka. I'll probably lose with the 2nd-highest score this week and yes I'm crabby about it. Gonna be 2-3 despite a legitimate change to lead the league in points after tonight. Stupid Philly D...

Dick Dallus (126.58) leads Bill Fredricks (96.38). Still to play:

• Bill: Lynch

Dallus is a 92% favorite, although I think Bill has a better chance to pull this out than I do. Still, 30 points is an awful lot to ask for. 

Kenni Hanna (90.50) leads Ned Titwarmer (71.64) that just makes me angry. Still to play:

• Ned: Cousins

Kenni is a 79% favorite to go to 4-1 despite his team being mostly terrible.

NooShoo Gow (133.98) leads Andy Crapswell (103.10). Still to play:

• Andy: Alf Morris, Seattle D

Gow is a 79% favorite, but it was much higher. I turned the late game off when Gronk scored his TD and at that point Gow was up like 50-60 points. Then apparently Gostkowski kicked like 17 FG's and now this is actually possible for Andy. 

Tonight

Are we sticking with BWW or are we tired of the terrible service enough to try something else. To prevent a debate, I'm going to go ahead and going to deem that something else to be Joe Sensors. We can debate alternate locations tonight, but not enough time for a debate today.

I get there late, so it makes little difference to me - I'll go with the majority. You guys decide. Vote in the comments or via the text group.

Juan, you may want to put the Do Not Disturb on...

See you tonight, boys. 

Monday Update: Prepare to be Disappointed

Gentlemen,

Very busy day today. And didn't get home til late yesterday. So, not a whole lot of goodies today...

The Games

Andy Crapswell (57.20) vs. Ned Titwarmer (65.92)

• Ned leads, but don't let that fool you. He is done. With 66 points... much to the chagrin of the teams left out of the playoffs.
• Andy's highest scoring player is currently Charles Clay. That should be a damning sentence, but it's actually not...
• Andy need a combined 9 points from McCown, Forte, Murray, and Bailey. I don't even think jinxing is possible. Andy is a 99% favorite on Yahoo.

Juan Coconuts (109.12) vs. NooShoo Gow (78.78)

• A surprisingly competitive match between two teams with negative-scoring Defenses. 
• Juan got quite the boost from Brady with 2 TD's in about a minute. And every player on his team thus far has scored a TD.
• Meanwhile Gow also produced a strong week despite starting Alex Smith and losing Gronk. Still, he has an uphill battle tonight.
• Juan has Alshon. Gow has Dez and Bob Gould. While I do think Juan is the favorite, I think Yahoo's 92% projection seems a little high.

Per Yahoo's projections, next week's semifinals will be:

• Juan Coconuts (4) vs. Kenni Hana (1)
• Andy Crapswell (3) vs. Rod Jerks (2)

Both Juan and Andy have not won the title before, and combined they have just one Championship appearance (Juan in 2012). They will be the sentimental favorites.

Tonight

I'll be there. Probably not staying for the whole game, but I'll be there hopefully long enough to watch Jeffrey and Dez score 18 points combined (Dad's league). 

Juan, Gow, Andy, Ed:  two of you will be finished after tonight. I expect to see you all there. It's been a pleasure.

See you tonight, dudes.

Monday Update: Last Call

Gentlemen,

Late flight back to good ol' Minnesota yesterday, and I didn't work at all last night on the Update.

Thus, you get the info, but not the funnies today.

My apologies... I did have to get some work done.

The Games

Kenni Hana (79.58) vs. Bill Fredricks (53.70) 

• Kenni continues to J his way to the top. He could very likely be alone in 1st place tomorrow, and at the very least will be tied for the top spot.
• Between these 2 teams, they started a combined NINE players that scored less than 5 points. Yes someone gets to win. Of course it's Kenni.
• Nice week, Bill.

Dick Dallus (92.80) vs. Ned Titwarmer (67.02)

• Ned was riding high just a month ago, looking like a favorite for a playoff bye. After losing 4 in a row, he's now at risk of not making it in...
• Meanwhile, someone break up Dallus! The newlywed is going to be fighting for that final spot next week, and he could very well knock Ned out to claim it.
• Regarding the actual players, both of Ned's RBs scored negative points. I'm pretty sure that's never happened before and is likely to never be repeated. 
• Dallus' team is red hot, scoring 6 TD's and he still has RG3 going tonight. He's the favorite for this week's Points Bonus.

Marcus Whitebread (100.96) vs. Ike Crabs (78.88)

• It's pretty comical that this is one of Cracker's best teams in the past few seasons, and he still could legitimately finish last...
• Meanwhile Crabs could have scored 139 points (with Davis still to play), and yet he sits there right now at 79... Rivers (28), Wallace (19), SJax (14), and Cardinal D (13) all on the bench.
• Interesting match here... Crabs needs to win to keep any slim playoffs hope alive. He has a legit shot with Alf Mo and VDavis. Whitebread counters with 49ers D.
• Whitebread is a 70% favorite, according to Yahoo.

Juan Coconuts (105.46) vs. NooShoo Gow (62.90)

• Very important matchup here... coming into this week, these were the #6 and #7 teams in the standings, meaning only one of them would make it in, at that point.
• Juan has put up one of his stronger scores of the year, but Gow is still in it...barely.
• Gow is pushing for lots of SF scores tonight as he has both Kaepernick and Gore, and needs 43 points between the. 
• Juan is an 80% favorite to win, but you know he'll be sweating if Kap throws a TD to Gore in the 1st Q.

Rod Jerks (86.68) vs. Andy Crapswell (78.22)

• If you had told me last week, I'd be up 8 going into MNF, I'd have been thrilled. 
• If you had told me yesterday at 7pm, I'd be up 8 going into MNF, I'd have asked 'How...unless Moreno gets 37 carries?' 
• Oh.
• FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK. 
• God fucking dammit. Fuck you Welker, you fucking droptastic cuntbag. And Peyton too, you gimpy, spastic, suckass in the cold. Move the goddamn ball by passing once in a while.
• My team wasn't particulary strong this week, but Andy's was ass-tastic until last night. And now he's favored to win with Garcon going. I'll explain shortly why this sucks even more than usual.
• Andy is officially a 58% favorite to win. 

Looking Ahead

Here's a look at tomorrow's standings, assuming the favorites win:

Place	Team	Record
1st	Kenni Hana	9-3
2nd	Andy Crapswell	8-4
3rd	Rod Jerks	8-4
4th	Juan Coconuts	6-6
5th	Ned Titwarmer	6-6
6th	Bill Fredricks	5-7
7th	Dick Dallus	5-7
8th	NooShoo Gow	5-7
9th	Marcus Whitebread	4-8
10th	Ike Crabs	4-8

A loss to Andy suddenly knocks me out of a 1st Round bye position. We still have one week, left, but suddenly I'm on the outside-looking-in. I know no one cares about this, but it really pisses me off. All because of stupid Knowshon Moreno and his amazing career game.

Nice job, Del Rio. Way to give your injury-prone RB a million carries. Oh, whaddya know??? He fucking left the game on crutches. Great coaching, asshat.

If by some miracle, Garcon doesn't get Andy his 8 points tonight, Kenni and I would both be 9-3 and have 1st Round byes locked up. So Kenni, you should be rooting for me!!!

Going deeper into the standings, we see Juan Coconuts is all but assured a playoff spot, assuming his lead holds tonight. Given his point total, a whole lot would have to go wrong next week for him to not make it.

On the other hand, there is a legit scenario where Ned doesn't make it if he loses next week. Bill certainly has him beat in points, and Dallus also will after tonight. 

Whitebread is out of the basement, at least for this week. If he wins next week, he gets to officially save himself of L'Ass't place... that honor will go to Crabs.

Oh... and FUCK YOU KENNI.

Week 13 Schedule

• Rod Jerks vs. Marcus Whitebread
• Ned Titwarmer vs. Andy Crapswell
• Dick Dallus vs. Kenni Hana
• Juan Coconuts vs. Ike Crabs
• Bill Fredricks vs. NooShoo Gow

That last matchup might be most crucial, certainly for the teams involved. Both Gow and Bill will (likely) be 5-7. Bill should earn a spot with a win. Gow will need win, plus some help.

Ned may need to be Andy to save his season. Andy will be fighting for a bye.

I'll be taking on the guy I've been ragging for weeks... You know, the one tied for last with the most points in the league. 

Dallus hasn't made the playoffs in quite some time. He'll have to avoid the Kenni J-ish luck to do so.

Juan plays Ike in a match that likely can't change the fate of either. Juan will be in. Ike will be out.

Tonight

I won't be there. I'll be on a dumbass conference call with my Management and Organizational Behavior group. 

And then I'll be watching intently, hoping/praying Pierre Garcon does not get 8 fantasy points. I don't root for injuries, but if he happened to get hurt, I'll probably look like this...

Enjoy the game, boys. See you next week. 

Monday Update: What Would You Say You Do Here?

Gents,

Brief update today... more tomorrow. I swear to God that I will get new Power Rankings up tomorrow.

The Games
Rapid fire style

Bill Fredricks (118) defeats Marcus Whitebread (82)

• Prepare yourselves for Cracker's complaint about schedules, kickers, or Manning.
• Bill looking for his 3rd Points Bonus.

Rod Jerks (101) defeats Ned Titwarmer (97) 

• Brees made it way too interesting for me...
• Lamar Miller still going tonight for Points Bonus.

Andy Crapswell (67) leads NooShoo Gow (54)

• Everyone will be angry tomorrow when one of these teams gets a W.
• Andy still has VJax and Charles Clay.
• Gow has Tim Wright (that's a real guy). 

Dick Dallus (89) narrowly leads Ike Crabs (86)

• Crabs season was just about over before the Julius and Demaryius resuscitated it.
• Dallus is done. Crabs has Mike Wallace, needing less than 4 points...

Kenni Hana (107) leads Juan Coconuts (91)

• Juan looked in cruise control unti the night game effed him: Pierre Thomas outscores Romo, Graham, and Hartley combined. 
• Juan's hope now fall on rookie Mike James. He needs 16 points out of him.

Projected Standings

Using Yahoo's predictions, we're going to assume Andy beats Gow, Kenni holds off Juan, but Crabs overtakes Dallus. Thus tomorrow the standings will be:

Place	Team	Record
1st	Rod Jerks	7-3
2nd	Kenni Hana	7-3
3rd	Andy Crapswell	6-4
4th	Ned Titwarmer	6-4
5th	Bill Fredricks	5-5
6th	Ike Crabs	5-5
7th	Juan Coconuts	4-6
8th	NooShoo Gow	4-6
9th	Marcus Whitebread	3-7
10th	Dick Dallus	3-7

That's really weird...

I'm hoping someone springs an unexpected victory tonight.

Tonight

I'll be at home. But I'm sorry to be missing... BUCS-DOLPHINS?  Is that right?

/checks MNF Schedule

God the NFL must hate ESPN.

Good luck to everyone still fighting, and enjoy the game, boys.

Monday Update: It's 4:30, you know what kind of effort you're getting...

Gentlemen,

Not sure where this evening's festivities are taking place, but I won't be there. Enjoy whatever bar you choose; it has to be more upbeat than Crooked Pint last week.

Here's your (very quick) recap of the matchups:

Titwarmer vs. Dallus

• Dallus got screwed 2 weeks in a row. This week he just sucked.
• Ned still has Welker and has a good shot at Points $. Moves to 2-1.
• Dallus will be 0-3... like the Vikings.

Jerks vs. Crapswell

• Demarco Murray (26.3 pts) made me look stupid (I argued he wasn't that good at MNF last week).
• Demarco Murray (26.3 pts) made Andy look stupid (on his bench). 
• Barring Moreno outscoring Prater by 31 pts, we both will be 2-1. 

Coconuts vs. NooShoo

• Kaepernick (4 pts) < Ponder (22 pts)
• At least that's how Spielman viewed them on draft day...
• 2 weeks in a row, Juan has lost his GB RB (Lacy, Starks) early in the game. $28 FAAB dollars well spent.
• Antonio Brown nearly pulled out a miracle for Gow. 32 points last night. "You're lucky", Juan...
• Barring some scoring change, Juan will pull out a 0.9 pt victory and move to 2-1. Gow 1-2.

Bill vs. Kenni

• Kenni got 39 pts from Defense/Kicker. WTF
• Also got 1.7 from starting WRs (Bowe, Hilton)
• Bill's highest scorer thus far is his Kicker. 
• Pretty much sums this one up.
• Bill is down about 50 with Manning and Broncos D going tonight. Should be close, but likely is too big a hole.
• Assuming no change, both will be 2-1.

Whitebread vs. Crabs

• Crabs started Vernon Davis. Marcus started SF defense. Basically a wash.
• Boring match, but closest contest going into tonight.
• Whitebread leads by 10 (with McFadden), while Crabs counters with Demaryius. Yikes...
• We'll either have two 1-2 teams (Whitebread wins) or Marcus will join Dallus at 0-3. 

Sorry for the lack of funny. Will try harder next week*.

*Probably not

Enjoy the game tonight, boys. 

Monday Update: Like It Always Was

Gentlemen,

I have to thank you. Through 5 days of the blog going communal, I've visited it multiple times every single day. I hope many of you have as well. I appreciate all the posts going up, and those taking the 2 seconds to comment when someone does author something. Even if it's a comment ripping apart the post, it feels better to know people are reading. It's been a great start to this new format, and I really look forward to everyone jumping in more and more.

/rant
As an aside, FOR SHAME to those of you that didn't update your team name. FOR SHAME! This was the BOTT Possessive Noun week - one of the best Team Name Topics of the year and you did nothing! You could have thrown out Reabe's Big Nose, Duoss's Beady Eyes, or Peterson's Degree.
Instead, Bill is still rocking his Seattle D team name. Seattle D??? That was a terrible name for it's original topic (Worst 2012 FF Decision) last season and it's just annoying now.
And Joique Store? HAHAHA. Like the Seinfeld episode crossed with the Lion. That's the clever Mankato wit we expect from Crabs.
Bloody Stool? We get it, Juan. You had diarrhea. Get over it.
Wet Trifecta Box - this is such a Kenni name... Bizarre, kinda pervy, and funny only to him.
And Touchdown There? Ok, I actually kinda liked this when I first saw it... WEEKS AGO.
I know I'm mowing Crapswell's lawn here, but CHANGE YOUR FUCKING TEAM NAMES.
/end rant

The Monday Update going forward is going to focus mostly on the box scores of the FF matchups, and implications tonight's game holds. As I mentioned last week, that was what initially spawned the original emails that would be sent out on Mondays. And those emails turned into a full-on blog. All we need now are pictures of us boating with fat chicks and we are the mondaynightwings.com crew

Just as a brief recap, Week 1 was a barnburner. Since the time I started tracking scores (for the Points Bonuses), that was the highest cumulative week we've had on record. Gow was the low point scorer with 84, by no means an embarrassing losing score. Nine teams exceeded 90 points, six were over 100, and 4 surpassed 120 - just a huge week for everyone and our collective league.

So with that as the backdrop, let's review Week 2:

Wednesday SUPER MEGA UPDATE: Back to Reality

Editors Note: First off, sorry the Monday Update is coming out on Wednesday. As I mentioned, it's getting much harder to keep these up each week, but I'm trying to stay committed to you guys.

Second, this is really long. There are lots of different sections and topics to get to here - this is a whole lot more than the standard weekly update. I want lots and lots of comments on this one because, as you will find, I spent a whole lot of time on it. I began work on Sunday night, and literally am finishing here on Wednesday afternoon, while working continuously both Monday and Tuesday nights. 

May I suggest this approach: comment as you read. Don't read everything all at once, and comment on one thing at the end. Read, form an opinion or response, comment, continue on. Repeat. 

I would love to shatter any previous commenting record we had because this is sort of a culmination for the entire season. I likely won't do another one like this for the rest of the year, possibly ever again. This took a lot of time. 

So please... sit back, read, comment, and above all else, enjoy.

Monday Update: Womp Womp

Sorry Gentlmen...

This is a post to tell you that the usual Monday Update probably won't be found here today.

My apologies for not having the Gameday Thread up yesterday. I was at my extended in-laws' holiday party...missing my Sunday Ticket/RedZone. They only had the regular games to watch. I felt like a hobo being stuck with BAL-PIT as my only viewing option in the afternoon.

And an even bigger apology for today. I sat down at 10:30pm last night intending to start the blog, and ended up falling asleep reading over box scores. Didn't type a single word.

And today, I thought I would have more time, but that is proving to not be happening as things continue to blow up and I'm leaving early. If I can get the Update out there today I will, but it's unlikely. I'd much rather put the proper amount of time into it than rush it.

So here's what I'm thinking... a Tuesday Mega-Update, complete with Regular Season Recaps, Power Rankings, Playoff Previews, plus the usual nonsense (I definitely want to cover the villain team names in greater detail).

The Games for this week lack drama going into tonight, especially as playoff spots are concerned. Kenny looks to be the odd man out. The rest of it is all about seeding. Coconuts will be #1, I'll be #2 no matter what happens with Whitebread tonight. Crabs, JoJo, and Gow could all mix it up in the 3-4-5 range, and Crapswell will be the last man in at #6.

It's a shame Dallus lost last week... Could have added a lot more drama tonight if JoJo happens to defeat Crapswell. But Andy is in either way because Kenny can't catch him in points.

Anyway, I have to get back to it... I won't be at MNF tonight, but should hopefully be at the next/last two.

Enjoy the game, boys.

Monday Update: Bye Week...sort of

Gents,

I'm at a 3-day offsite Monday-Wednesday with my boss, my boss' boss, and my boss' boss' boss. Not to mention a slew of other important people within the bullseye.

I'm writing this on Sunday night, where I usually get started, but I won't have a chance to do any work tomorrow. And I really need to be on my game tomorrow, thus this is sadly going to be a very abbreviated Monday Update. There won't be many/any pictures & videos as that stuff often takes the most time.

If you'd like to lengthen it, feel free to utilize the comments.

The Vikings
We got smoked. Ponder is seriously regressing. WTF.

I can't believe I was generating playoff discussions last week. Now, I'm not sure we even end the year over .500.

The Gophers
Woohoo! That was about as good as we have looked since... I'm really not sure. I'll leave the commentary to Cracker, but I watched most of this game and was really impressed. Not just with Nelson, but with the whole team. What a performance!

Cracker's College Football Corner
You'll have to answer these in the comments, Whitey...

1. Ok, how good is Purdue? Because they did not look that good. And I know we're not that good.

2. Nelson's the story here, as he should be. But what else about the Gophers impressed you?

3. Ok, Illinois is the game everyone is saying we should win to be bowl-eligible. Is there another game (or games) that we'll have a chance to surprise people?

4. Wisconsin lost at home. This isn't really a question, but I wanted to make sure it didn't go unnoticed. Feel free to dance a jig.

Team Names
Vote for the Best & Worst names in the sidebar.

My votes:

Best - Dallus had a good story, but try updating your team name before the games start on Sunday. Pretend you're trying in this league, please. My vote goes to Heineman's sell out. I know it probably won't win, but it just makes me laugh... it's the most Heineman story ever.

Worst - Bus ride to Oxford. Way to be specific, Gow. You really put in the effort on this one.

Team Name Topic
Listen up, assholes. I told you last week, I'm out of ideas. I threatened going Favorite Cereal if you didn't supply me ideas.

Well, Halloween is Wednesday, so we're slightly mixing it up: Best Halloween Candy. Yeah that's right. Nothing fun or goofy, or reminders of days gone by. This is the shit you're going to get if you don't help come up with topics. I don't have a bottomless well of ideas and I'm sure as hell not going to try to brainstorm something right now...

Twix is taken. That's mine.

Let's Embarrass Each Other
I know many of you have old Halloween photos... if possible, send them to me before Wednesday. Thank you kindly, in advance.

The Games
Not spending much time here either...

Rod Jerks (115) vs. Ike Crabs (84)

• Crabs and I spent every day since Thursday's game trying to "Dirx" (i.e. jinx) each other. I won.
• BTW, the term Dirxing is so 2 years ago... Dirxing, as of last year, refers to WINNING THE WHOLE FUCKING LEAGUE SUCK ON THESE NUTS.
• Romo threw 4 picks and still scored 19 for Crabs...rare.
• I got too smart and benched Julio for Cobb. I'd probably do it again.
• Crabs has AZ defense tonight. Needs a HUGE game from them.

Andy Crapswell (81) vs. Ned Titwarmer (55)

• Ned's team is a dumpster fire at this point. Yikes.
• Andy got the monster game from Doug Martin on Thursday. That accounted for almost half his point thus far.
• Andy still has Vernon Davis and SF defense and will probably win by like 60 points this week.

Juan Coconuts (88) vs. Dick Dallus (94)

• Speaking of dumpster fires, the 2 QB's in this matchup (Eli & Cutler) combined for less than 12 points. 
• Juan's day was really saved by his Patriots, Gronk & Ridley. No one else really did shit.
• Dallus' team was pretty balanced with everyone contributing other than Gates, and the aforementioned Cutler.
• A very close one here... down essentially 6 points, Juan has Akers. He needs FG's, not XP's, tonight.

JoJo Fredricks (79) vs. NooShoo Gow (55)

• JoJo's best player was his Kicker.
• Had Gow's defense (Miami) not scored 22 pts, he may have set a new low point total this week.
• This wasn't the prettiest match...
• JoJo leads by a lot and has Frank Gore. Gow is playing Kendall Hunter, who isn't the only backup RB he started this week. 
• Both teams will be 4-4 on Tuesday.

Marcus Whitebread (88) vs. Kenny Hana (105)

• Probably the most interesting matchup going into tonight.
• Marcus really could have used Peyton Manning, who was on his bench. RG3 had an off day... and Leonard Hankerson can't catch TD's. 
• Kenny got a huge day from Brady. His new meal ticket, Rashad Jennings, scored a not-great-not-bad 9.5 points.
• Both teams had a lot of strong performers. This will be a tough week for whoever takes the loss.
• Whitebread trails by 17 and has Larry Fitz going tonight. Which Fitz will show up? That will determine which team goes to 4-4 or 3-5. A very big match for these two...

Tonight

I'll be there. And I'm ready to argue with Gow about something...anything.

See you there, boys.