Statistic Porn (not to be confused with sadistic porn, Crabs)

There are many different genres of porn and that's what makes it so special -- there's something for everyone. People get aroused by all sorts of different things. Some genres make them travel 700 miles on a Tuesday night to meet a 12 year old boy home alone, Chris Hanson and a Dateline NBC news crew...others only make you have to visit a website.  Well this site is one of those sites. Here is some hot and dirty stuff you can look at work without getting written up which will show in your performance review. Target Corp. calls it, "areas for opportunity". In most jobs it's called, "FIND A BOX AND PUT YOUR SHIT IN IT BEFORE SECURITY GETS HERE TO ESCORT YOU OUT".

FACT: In October 2012, PornHub raised over $75,000 for the Susan G. Kohman foundation in which they refused to accept.

Ok. So it's the holidays, work is slow, no one is around and most of you are at home anyway. I decided to make the most of my time and spit out some hastily collected stats. I figured we have reached our 10 year mark as a league which is pretty impressive. This league has stood the test of marriages, babies, job changes, manager meltdowns and "tradegate". As such, I thought it would be interesting to look back with some statistics. Excuse my lack of excel expertise...

We can look at this and say a championship is worth 'X" as much as a 3rd place showing, but without the scrutiny, those are the standings as they area at the moment. Keep in mind I have a 7th grade education on how to work Excel. I literally am in awe of those of you that can make excel do the things I've seen. You have a transferable skills the will stand the length of your career until an Indian guy named "Jeff" in Calcutta takes your job. Enjoy the ride.

Fun facts observed:

• All time "points" are at a moment of contention. two way tie for first and a three way tie for 2nd.
• Bill Fredrickson way the unquestioned leader in the first 5 years.
• Ned is having what some would call a "dry spell". Sorry Ned. Get married, poop out a kid and your chances improve greatly.
• The less I consume at drafts, the better I do (See: 2010 draft -- bid $20 on Philip Rivers thanks to the liquor store downstairs from Jerks's place and a German black licorice liquor).

Since Yahoo doesn't keep complete records of leagues past 2007, here are "playoff" records of the league so far. Again, the stats could be skewed depending on how you rank your final "place".

Fun facts observed:

• A minuscule point separates 3rd overall and the current holder of the bronze, NooShoo.
• Ned is no longer in the basement when the playoffs area factored in.
• Kenni holds a strong lead overall without a finding his way to the basement next year.

To be fair, I added in the full 10 years that only Yahoo had records of 1st through 4th place. If you can add in your consolation place, waste 5 minutes and find out if you would rank higher. Again, 10 points for 1st place down to 7 points for 4th.

Fun facts observed:

• When Ike gets in the playoffs, he wins championships. Scary.
• Kenni's J magic finally wore off after 7 years of playoff runs.
• Whitebread's 7 years of playoff no-shows...continues. Baby Whitebread to change this.

I leave you with memories of drafts past in anticipation of the next...

This projection TV was a great memory...and continues to be one for the family that watches it now in Somalia.

Dallas left out due to Lass't Place Trophy possession. 

Jerks upset about something "super important".

Next to come: Best pick ups and dumps of the year...

All year end rankings were taken from Championship, 3rd Place and Consolation matches.  When it slows again I might invest the time to go through each year...might be interesting to see how they compare. If you can find the point totals for previous years please share. Can't find it.

Tuesday Update: The Semifinals and Sadness

Gentlemen,

I may add to this throughout the day, but I thought I'd get something up here...

I'm not exactly happy today now that another season of BOTT Fantasy is over for me, this time since 2009 that I'm not playing in the semis... That isn't a humblebrag or anything - I'm just saying it's been a while since I've been out of it this early and it sucks.

But I'm objective enough to realize this... The remaining four teams (Gow, Dallus, Fredricks, and Crapswell) are the four best teams. They may not have all been the best throughout the year (specifically Andy), but it's the four most formidable teams today.

Had I advanced, I think I would have ranked myself 4th our of 4 - possibly 3rd because I think Dallus might be in trouble - but you could make a legit argument that Andy has the best team right now. A lot hinges on the health of Julio.

I'm going to add to this later today (specifically some playoff matchup stuff), but let's also use this as a thread to piss, moan, and whine about your fantasy season.

What move(s) do you regret? How could you have been better? What will eat away at you all offseason? I have my own that I'll share a little later...

Dog Shit on a Tropical Beach

60% of you see beauty, 40% of you see a dog with diarrhea 

60% of you are still alive and have an incentive to still care about this season.  You see delicate shades of pink and blue that could be fantasy stardom beginning to shine through. 40% of you only see your season as K-9 feces slowly being washed away by a tide of tears.  Whether you fall into the upper or lower half of this picture, I think we should say goodbye to the season as we always do with a end of year "fuck you" or "thank you" as we have before.  There's no doubt some anxiety about your season and possibly even a little jealousy depicted below.

From left to right: New Shoe, Dallas, Coconuts

Whitebread (newborn and all at home) showed up last Monday and made a U-turn at the douchey high school hangout also known at BWW when he realized he was the only one in attendance.

Artist rendition of last Monday at BWW, Whitebread pictured in the foreground.

I pledge to not allow this to happen again (this season), but also made an individual plea to you all for a gathering on December 22nd back at a place that still knows that 1st quarters mean free beers and are open for commerce. Pourhouse in downtown. Cincinnati vs. Denver 7:30 p.m.  This contest will provide at least 5-6 legitimate fantasy players going that evening that could very well decide a championship victory along with a 3rd place showing.

So far, all but Dallas look to be in attendance with Jerks listed as questionable.

I was on campus last night for BOTT's "Light the Row" which I was surprised to find no less than 80 people with a 3:2 female to male ratio at the house.  On our way back to Village Wok for a nostalgic meal, I walked past Sally's and to my dismay the inside of the place looks like a bombed out building from WWII. Not sure how the fuck a place like that doesn't get their shit together with over 18 months to do so (also there's now ZERO fucking parking in the area now unless you wanna pay $10 event parking in a ramp), but I digress.

December 22nd, 2014.  I'll be farting on all the seats to keep them warm for you...

Pants optional. Dresses encouraged for some. Honk honk.

FINAL Power Rankings

Gentlemen,

There's a lot to get to here, so let's not waste time...

Total Points Scored

Total Points Against

Above are your full-season Total Points Scored & Against. There may be a few discrepancies with these numbers and Yahoo as I have not included the scoring changes from the past few weeks. As a reminder, these numbers are just the data used to build the analysis.

Also before we get to the Rankings, below are the current Payouts-to-Date for this season.

Payouts-to-Date

There is still $700 to be won via 1st, 2nd, and 3rd Place. The bottom 4 are highlighted because their final place in the standings is locked, regardless of what happens in the consolation.

Alright, let's get to the rankings:

Power Ranking

The best team from the 2014 regular season was Dick Dallus. I know not everyone looks at these numbers every week like me, but Gow was in the #1 spot for quite a while, and only finally relinquished it in the last week.

I can also say that the group at the top tightened up quite a bit in the last month. There was a time when Dallus/Gow were both running away from the pack, but that is no longer the case.

All-Play Record

The All-Play record is the same rankings in a different format, showing what records would be if every team played all opponents every week. You can see that we actually had two ties: 3rd Place (Bill and me) and 6th Place (Kenni and Ned).

What's fairly remarkable about these numbers this year is their general consistency with the final standings. Bill and me are actually a little better than where we ended and Andy/Kenni are a little worse, but we all made the playoffs.

There really isn't anyone that should have been in that isn't, and vice versa. Ned could have an argument, but he was tied for 6th which puts him squarely on the bubble... and that's where he found himself in the last week.

The bottom 3 teams were all much worse than the rest of the league, and each was on their own level. To provide some context, the worse team in our league last year was Ned, who scored a 6.23 on the Power Rankings.

So Crabs had a below average year at 6.46, which would have made him the worst team last year - this year he was 8th.

Whitebread had just a terrible year: 7.15 ties what had previously been the worst team since I started tracking these numbers. Coincidentally, that was Whitey's own record back in 2012.

But Coconuts... my oh my. EIGHT POINT ONE FIVE. That means that on average, he was WORSE than the 3rd worst weekly scorer. Coconuts only had one week when he was in the top half of weekly scorers, which happened to be Week 1. Since then he's always been in the bottom half, and 10 of those weeks he's been in the bottom 3. We really have not given the proper credit to him for how historically bad his team was. We will likely never see a team this bad ever again.

Now... I'm having fun, but context certainly needs to be considered here. Both Whitey and Coconuts mortgaged most of their core players with three weeks left and that plays a role in these numbers. But just a small one...

Strength of Schedule

Lastly, your strength of schedule. Again, a late change at the top as Coconuts overtook me (when I had lead this basically all season) in the final week.

Nothing too notable here, other than (to no one's surprise) Kenni finds good fortune with easy schedule once again. He no doubt is grinning from ear to jewish ear reading this.

One more thing...
I did one more special thing for the year-end: I made dot plots for each team based on their Power Rankings.

They're fairly simple, but here's how to read them: the x-axis is Weekly Rank, and the dots represent the number of times you finished in that spot. For example, if you were Top Point Scorer twice, you should have 2 dots over the 1. So good teams will have dots on the left, and bad teams on the right.

Enjoy.

Monday Update: What You Play For

Gentlemen,

That is such a great speech in the middle of a really dumb movie.

THAT'S GONNA MAKE THE FUCKIN' DIFFERENCE BETWEEN WINNING AND LOSING, BETWEEN LIVING AND DYING!

The time is finally here. The playoffs are about to begin. The entire season is a precursor, a demanding trial for the right to be here right now. Everything that has happened the previous 13 weeks no longer matters. It was simply prerequisite for the right to play this week.

If you can muster up 3 more wins (or in Gow/Dallus case, just 2), you will earn the right to be called "champion". Your name will be engraved on the trophy (which will one day be purchased...) and it can never be removed.

Can you feel the excitement???

Now... four of you are no longer with us, some mercifully thankful to be done. That is the cost of the regular season - 4 teams do not earn this chance. And that makes this a sad day for us all. Not only have we lost 4 brethren, but it means the end is very near for us all as well.

Coconuts*, Whitebread**, Crabs, and Titwarmer*** - your season ends today. Godspeed.

* Coconuts is your winner of the L'Ass'T Place Trophy. After being in the Championship game for the past 2 seasons, Coconuts is back in familiar territory. I believe this is his third or fourth L'Ass'T Place. How do you feel about that Juan?

** There was a time when I thought one of the stronger fantasy players in our league was Whitebread. He claims a championship from before this league was formed. He had probably the best team I ever saw lose to Mark Brunell. He was a mainstay in the postseason. When he spoke, he seemed to know what he was talking about... But right now, that is all ancient history. The last time Cracker made the playoffs was 2009 - the year Obama was inaugurated and that dude landed a plan on the Hudson. Make sure you remind him of that when he's cocking off at next year's draft.

*** There still exists a very small chance that Ned slips in. This would involve Gow picking up a WR in tonight's game and said player scoring 26 points. Gow has already told me he's not going to do so, but want to be transparent about this.

For the rest of you... this is what we play for. As Mike Tice once said, "Enjoy the season." Only one of us is going to win this thing. But we made it this far. If you can't have fun playing this game with the elevated stakes, then why play?

Good luck to you all, except whoever plays me. I hope your team dies in a fiery plane crash.

Yes, all of them. Separate plane crashes. Not a terrorist attack, just coincidental terrible piloting decisions.

And any players that I have on said planes are still ok. Really flukey.

Please note: the GIF above is actually a test plane, intended to crash. I actually googled "Fiery plane" to see what was out there. It turns out there's a lot. But when you watch them, they are definitely not what I would deem to be "funny" considering ... you know ... people are dying.

Ok I only hope all your players get seriously injured in said plane crashes.

The Games
NOTE: I'm going to do a playoff preview tomorrow or Wednesday, touching on each team. It will also include full-season Power Rankings. Because of this, I don't want to get too much into projected playoff stuff here. Just a review of the regular season finale.

Jerks (147.44) defeats Gow (121.56), or does he? Gow benched Roddy yesterday when news broke that he was OUT. That allows him the opportunity to swap anyone on his bench for a WR playing tonight, if we wants. The only available WR projected to score more than 0.0pts is Brian Hartline. Assuming this result holds, it will have saved my season and put me in the final playoff spot. Gow has the #1 seed locked up.

Crabs (112.46) currently leads Titwarmer (105.34), a result likely to change after tonight. Ned still has Tannehill and Wallace playing tonight, while Crabs has something called Caleb Sturgis. Ned is an 84% favorite, which if all results hold would make him the first above-.500 team to NOT make the postseason since we went to 6 teams.

Crapswell (150.82) edges Dallus (140.20) in matchup the featured two destined playoff teams. This could very likely be a preview of a semifinal next week. Andy has quietly built himself into a serious contender.

Also, rumor has it Andy was texting Gow trying to convince him to pick someone up to knock me out of the playoffs. Hey Andy...

Fredricks (177.90) destroys Coconuts (94.54), mercifully putting him out of his 2014 FF misery. Juan got 40 points from DeAnde Hopkins and still managed to be nowhere near close to winning. Bill has an outside chance to hit 200pts, which would be the highest single-week total of the season.

Kenni (123.06) leads Whitebread (102.88). Whitebread still has Chris Ivory playing tonight, but Yahoo calls this one 99% for Kenni. I do not agree with those odds, although I still think Kenni is the favorite. Should Whitey actually pull this out, Kenni would fall down to the 6th seed.

Tomorrow's Standings

Should Yahoo's projections hold, here would be the final regular season standings:

Place	Team	Record
1st	Gow	9-4
2nd	Dallus	8-5
3rd	Crapswell	8-5
4th	Kenni	8-5
5th	Fredricks	7-6
6th	Jerks	7-6
7th	Titwarmer	7-6
8th	Crabs	5-8
9th	Whitebread	3-10
10th	Coconuts	3-10

I just want to point out a couple teams here... At separate points throughout the season:

• Bill was 1-5
• Andy was 2-4
• Ned was 2-6

Every season I stress the importance of not giving up, continuing to fight, and playing to the last game - this is why. Teams and seasons do get turned around. What looks bleak midway through the season does become an afterthought come playoffs. Remember this next season when your team sucks in Week 6 and you're considering a fire sale...

Tonight

I look forward to the texts about where people are meeting.

Spoiler alert: you're meeting at BWW.

Enjoy the game, boys.

Monday Update: So... Where's the GIF's?

Gentlemen,

I'm now a dad x2, which means you're getting even less effort than usual with the Monday Update. I'm also digging out of 600+ emails, so today pretty much sucks all around.

Andy - you expressed some desire in filling-in this week... I'm doing the game recaps below, but feel free to chime-in with whatever nonsense you'd like to share.

A Quick Trade Discussion

Ok, this won't be quick, but it hasn't been had on the blog yet, so it's happening here. My goal with this is not to pull off the scabs from the trade deadline (ok, it kind of is) but to provide a better forum for discussion beyond the texts.

My stance is this... all the trades that were agreed upon were defensible and (somewhat*) reasonable, and given the late trade deadline, understandable. One team wanting to dump valuable players in favor of keepers, one team willing to let go of a keeper to boost their chances at a championship. That all makes sense to me.

*I say somewhat reasonable because I get the logic behind both sides, but the deals themselves were pretty lopsided in favor of the teams still contending. Charles, Julius, and Jeffery for essentially Benjamin is pretty unbalanced (Dallus - here's your chance to refute as you did yesterday), but that was apparently the market for decent keepers.

To me, as an example, Coconuts might have been able to sell those 3 players individually and get back more than one reasonable keep, but maybe the market just wasn't there. I don't know. I didn't have any keepers people wanted and thus couldn't get in on the bidding.

To me, keepable players were WAY overvalued at the deadline. But many of you obviously disagree with that stance. And the teams on the bottom purchasing said keepers didn't care if they were giving up 1 stud or 3 studs because they're out of contention anyway. #YOLO

A few of you wanted me to execute Commissioner control and reverse some of the deals, but that's an incredibly slippery slope. I don't really know what justification I had to do so, if both sides agreed upon a deal. And if I negate the Dallus-Coconuts deal, do I then also have to reverse the Kenni-Whitebread deal? And then also the Titwarmer-Crabs deal? Where do we draw the line?

You can make an argument about "spirit of competitive fun" (and I expect you do so, Gow) but what the hell does that actually mean in the context of the rules? If a trade is to be negated, there has to be justification to do so and it simply can't be because "Team X is getting too many good players." That's good work for Team X and a bummer for the rest of us, in my opinion.

And to those of you defending the deals as "balanced", "equal", or whatever: STOP. That is certainly not my argument, and shouldn't be your's either. Your right to make the deal is what I'm defending, not the deal itself. You played within the rules, and leveraged a situation to your advantage. But don't try to sell us all bullshit and disguise it as pumpkin pie (oblig Thanksgiving ref). We're all smarter than that, and so are you.

So rant away and let's get all this out in the open here. I know there are people that disagree with me, so let's have an active discussion and yell at each other. And at the end of all the finger-pointing and snark (OH THERE WILL BE SNARK), let's talk about what to do next season. I think most agree that moving up the trade deadline (to after Week 7 or 8) will suffice, but I've heard some dissent about that as well... Coconuts in particular thinks it won't solve the issue, but I really don't see teams on the bottom nuking their rosters with 5-6 weeks left to turn it around.

Sorry... this was anything but quick, but it's my first chance I've had to gather my thoughts about all this and I wanted to have the discussion, especially since I won't be at MNF for about a decade or so.

The Games

Jerks (146.14) beats Dallus (120.00), stopping the losing streak at four. Dez (22.6) and Demaryius (29.7) came to play and help offset Dallus getting 20 freaking points from his kicker. Dallus' team is stacked, but lack of a top-end QB may prove to be his downfall in the postseason.

Titwarmer (117.74) handles Coconuts (93.18). Amongst all the trades, Eddie Lacy may prove to be the most valuable player, and Mike Evans may end up being the best keeper next season. A very underrated move for both teams. The offseason can't get here soon enough for Coconuts.

Crapswell (95.86) leads Fredricks (82.74), in a very important matchup for playoff spots. Bill had a tough bye week with LeVeon, Cam, and others sitting. Andy's bench (96.5) outscored his starters so far with CJ Anderson, OBJ and Teddy all riding the pine. Andy still has Forsett and Orton going tonight, while Bill is praying for a monster Brees game. Andy is a 93% favorite, according to Yahoo.

Whitebread (113.04) narrowly leads Crabs (112.10), in a battle for the bottom. Or at least near the bottom. Cracker still has Ivory going, while Crabs has Flacco and Daniels. Here's what matters with this matchup. If Cracker holds on, it all but locks in Coconuts for L'ASS'T PLACE. If Crabs wins (and he needs a big night from his players), he still holds an outside shot at the playoffs. Crabs is a 90% favorite.

Kenni (121.96) leads Gow (118.52), in crucial matchup for playoff byes. Kenni still has Ingram and Torrey Smith going, while Gow is riding Buffalo D. A win for Kenni would put both byes up for grabs for three teams. If Gow were to pull it out, he would lock himself in for a Wk 15 semi-final playoff match.

Tomorrow's Standings Today

If Yahoo's projections hold, here will be the standings tomorrow, with 1 week to go:

Place	Team	Record
1st	Dallus	8-4
2nd	Gow	8-4
3rd	Kenni	8-4
4th	Crapswell	7-5
5th	Jerks	6-6
6th	Fredricks	6-6
7th	Titwarmer	6-6
8th	Crabs	5-7
9th	Whitebread	3-9
10th	Coconuts	3-9

Here's the matchups for next week:

• Gow vs. Jerks
• Dallus vs. Crapswell
• Kenni vs. Whitebread
• Fredricks vs. Coconuts
• Titwarmer vs. Crabs

A few observations:

• Kenni will need Gow or Dallus to lose because he is not winning any tiebreakers. 
• I said earlier Crabs had an outside shot, but that really is just mathematical - Crabs is not getting in the playoffs. 
• Ned is very much alive, and I'm very much at risk. 
• The range of outcomes for Andy/Bill are massive. Both have very slim shots at earning a bye, but also could miss the playoffs. The outcome of tonight's match (where Andy is a heavy favorite) is massive.
• There's a reasonable chance that an above-.500 team does not make the playoffs...would be the first time since we moved to 6 playoff teams. 

Tonight

I won't be there, probably for the rest of the season. As Andy stated, "We're gonna put you on IR". 

Whatever you guys do, I'll be texting at some point. I know you're all looking forward to it.

Have fun tonight, boys.

And Happy Thanksgiving.

Monday Update: Oh Eff You, Monday

REMINDER: TRADE DEADLINE IS THIS FRIDAY

Gentlemen,

Not doing much much funny stuff today. I'm in a mood.

This weather sucks. It took me over an hour to get to work.

My team has now lost 3 in a row, this time at the mercy of Aaron Rodgers, which makes it even more annoying. I hate Green Bay so much... did you see Costas' halftime homage to them? It made me physically ill... Literally, I'm sick today.

Andy also put me in a sour mood last night, sending me texts whining (after Rodgers had 4 TD's) that Cobb hadn't caught one yet to give him any hope of winning. Please note that he was winning when he sent this.

I'll spare you the whole conversation as I'm sure Andy will recap people tonight to try and make me look bad (as I did not respond pleasantly to him), but seriously dude... Sending whiny texts when you're actually winning and your QB is on fire is out-Dallusing Dallus.

Monday Update: Case of the Mondays

Gentlemen,

Busy day for me today, so I'm filling the space with GIF's.

MNF stands for Magical Night of Football - not Mediocre Night of Football

I was hoping Jerks would put up somewhat of a stink regarding Sensor's after last weeks debacle. Since he really hasn't, I guess I'll start the rabble rousing - Let's pick a new place. While, it's nice to get the same table every week, that's about the only redeeming factor for Sensor's.

Here are my beefs:
- Dirty: the tables and menus are always sticky for some reason
- Food: Blah. Say what you want about BWW, but at least the wings were tasty.
- Location: Did Rob mention that his car was broken into last week?

- Sound: They play music over the loudspeakers and we are forced to listen to the game over a lawn speaker
- TV's: Yes, they have a lot. However, every other one is tuned into America's Funniest Home Videos or just music videos.
- Service: While they haven't screwed up my tab yet, I feel like the waitress is always there when I don't need her, but never there when I do...(Also, I wouldn't mind a hotter/younger/less homely waitress)

So far all I've done is complain and offered no solutions. Well, I'm not going to offer anything mind blowing. My current suggestions:

- Poor Richards - Bloomington (Gow, apparently loves this place, as it's always the first one he throws out)

- go back to BWW. - with the exception of the service and those little flys, BWW has beaten Sensor's in all the important area's in my book.

I'm fine staying out of Downtown. The burbs/outlying areas are just easier for parking/late arrivals. I'm also open to doing a "special location" every once in a while. For example, if Kenni wanted to do something in his neck of the woods one time. Sorry Jabs, Lakeville is about as far south as I'm willing to go...

Monday Update: The New Normal

Gentlemen,

Many of you (myself included) got housed this weekend. I'm not talking drunk, although I'm sure a couple of you did that too - especially after that Gopher game - but I'm referring to our FF games.

Prior to this week, the highest score for the entire season was 159.66 (Crapswell, Week 4) but the top scorer each week was oddly consistent: 150.48, 155.12, 158.4, 159.66, 156.5, 155.48, 153.16.

That all changed this week. Kenni scored 167 against me, and that was only good enough for the 3rd highest score, and might even end up 4th. Dallus put 195, and Gow (currently at 167.32) has a legit shot to beat that tonight.

Coming into this week, the average points per game for our entire league was 121 (and this number will be going up this week). What that essentially means is scoring 121 only gives you a 50-50 shot to win.

This is the league now, gentlemen. It's not just the added SuperFlex and scoring changes - it's the new normal in the NFL. Offense is winning football games, and thus it's changing the standard of winning in Fantasy Football.

Remember when you used to think "I just need each guy to get me double digits"? Not anymore. That's nowhere near good enough today. Quarterbacks? Basically a bust week if they don't get you at least 20pts.

Points are no longer at a premium - they're everywhere.

It's time to do something about it.

I'm happy to see that all this "giving up" talk truly does appear to be just talk so far. While Coconuts and Fredricks seem to be trumpeting those mantras, both made aggressive trades this week to try and dig their teams out of their funk.

And they should, because things are very tight. We'll get to the standings in a bit, but aside from the runaways at the top (Gow and Dallus), there is not much separation amongst the rest of us*. There is almost always at least one sub-.500 team that makes it into the playoffs, and I would wager heavily on that this year. In fact, I think we could possibly see two.

*Yes, despite Kenni being 6-2, I'm still lumping him in with the rest of us because he can't continue to have his schedule be this goddamn easy.

The point is that you have 5 weeks left! If you have FAAB left, what are you waiting for?? There are 9 guys available on the Waiver Wire that scored > 15pts this week.

If you have guys collecting dust on your roster, why are you holding them? Whatever you drafted them for no longer matters. Stock prices in August aren't relevant in October.

If you don't like trading, that's on you, but what do you have to lose? Especially if you're currently below .500. At least start perusing some other teams' rosters and seeing who is on their benches.

I'm telling you this with 100% sincerity: every single one of us can make the playoffs.

IT'S TRUE! If Gow and Dallus keep collecting wins at the top, it's going to be a dogfight for the rest of us. You don't need to go 5-0... Just going 3-2 over these next 5 games can be the difference.

Every year, I have to type one of these pep-rally type posts. In part, to boost my own confidence, and also to encourage others to stay active and don't give up.

There are points available everywhere. Make some moves. Start guys on a hunch. Don't be afraid to go with your gut, against all the rankings/advice out there. Ignore the noise.

All the fun... All the angst... All the love... All the stress... It all goes away in 5 weeks, for at least four teams. You may or may not be one of those unlucky four, but at least make sure you play these next 5 weeks YOUR WAY. And leave no regrets.

I bid you all good luck. Godspeed, gents.

Team Names

Well last week was kinda dumb... I thought people would have more interesting food stories rather than just "Eggplant", which isn't even that bad.

Let's get back to our groove this week, especially since I'm trying to light a fire under everyone... It's everyone's favorite: BOTT Possessive Nouns.

We all know what these are, but just for fun let's review some from the past:

• Weidman's Nurples
• Dewitt's Creepiness
• Wacie's Spoiler
• Hals's Pyramid Scheme
• Knutson's Leadership
• Lunas's Finances

...and the all-time best team name ever (yes, I'm declaring it even though it was my team): Bolger's Pink Thing.

Do your worst, boys. We'll be voting on these next week.

The Games

There's really no drama left for tonight, so I'm just going to go with the headlines this week, then we'll take a peek at tomorrow's standings.

Kenni (167.08) is going to beat Jerks (89.94). I have two guys playing tonight to try and get a respectable score. This game is basically every game I've ever played against Kenni. 

Fredricks (134.28) beats Titwarmer (119.26). Ned was up by like 50-60 points at one point...

Dallus (195.44) eviscerates Whitebread (90.46). Take a look at Kenni/Jerks match and replace the winners and losers names with these. Good luck with Garcon, Cracker.

Gow (166.82) destroys Coconuts (120.58). It was Coconuts highest score since Week 1 and it didn't matter. Gow needs Murray to get him 30pts for Points Bonus. 

Crapswell (132.24) should beat Crabs (107.10). This is the match most in doubt, and Andy is a 96% favorite. Barring some Roethlisbeger-esque game from Romo, this is over.

So here's tomorrow's standings (points scored tonight could alter some ties)...

Place	Team	Record
1st	Gow	7-1
2nd	Dallus	6-2
3rd	Kenni	6-2
4th	Jerks	5-3
5th	Crapswell	4-4
6th	Fredricks	3-5
7th	Crabs	3-5
8th	Titwarmer	2-6
9th	Coconuts	2-6
10th	Whitebread	2-6

Tonight

I'm slightly less excited about Senser's today, as my window gut busted into last week. Don't leave any valuables in your car, and certainly don't leave any computer/work bags in plain sight.

Still, Ike Crabs has declared himself "Active" for tonight's game, so I guess that's as good a reason as any to show up. 

Barring another Prenatal Yoga cancellation, I'll be there about 8:45. Expect a lot of bitching about Kenni.

See you tonight, boys.

Gopher Update: Forever Gold and Now Ranked

Jerry Kill summed it up best, "You've got to find a way to win sometimes."  It wasn't always pretty but the win moves the Gophers to 6-1 (3-0).  To put this in perspective, the last time the Gophers started the Big Ten season 3-0 was in 1990.   A win this week against Illinois would actually give the Gophers their first 4-0 start since 1967 which is the last time they claimed a share of a Big Ten title in football.  With Iowa losing to Maryland, the Gophers are now in sole possession of first place in the Big Ten West.

The win also moves the Gophers in to the Coaches poll at #24 and grants them bowl eligibility for the third straight year.

"Doh" exclaims Purdue Pete as Cedric Thompson dives for the end zone after intercepting a pass on the first play of the game.  Thompson was called out of bounds but David Cobb followed with a TD on the next play.

Advanced Game Stats: Study Hall

Updated Big Ten Projections: #2 behind Nebraska.  Coming in to the week, Minnesota was a slight favorite in the division.  Despite winning, Minnesota's projection took a small hit and Nebraska's impressive victory at Northwestern moved the Huskers to the top of the division.  Considering we play the Huskers in Lincoln, I always felt they should be projected as the division favorite despite an early loss to MSU.

Look ahead: Illinois

Tim Beckman (1-18 in B1G play) appears to be a dead man walking in Champaign-Urbana.  It is too bad because the man is Tim Brewster v2.0 and it is a lot funnier to listen to idiotic things coming from someone else's coach.  Here are some of his quotes from just this season:

“You take out 21 points on three plays and we’re in this football game. You take away those 21 points and the final score is 23-19.”

“If we take out ten plays in that football game, it’s a different game.”

This again?

“If you look at the second half, we won.”

“I thought he played well. He didn't grade out, but no one on defense did.”

After losing to move to 3-4 (0-3) and 1-18 in B1G for his career with 6 B1G games remaining, “If we run the table, we end up with nine wins.”

Fingers crossed.

The Gophers are a 6.5 point favorite and -213 on the moneyline which translates to about a 68.6% favorite to win.  The computer models seem even more favorable to the Gophers with ESPN estimating the Gophers as a 70% win probability and Bill Connelly from Sports Nation calling a Gophers win an 89.3% probability.

In the Gophers favor are that the Gophers are a run-first (and second) team and Illinois ranks #122 in the country against the run at 271.1 yards per game.  David Cobb, who has already rushed for 1015 yards in 7 games which ranks #4 in the country, should be licking his chops.  Offensively, Illinois has been a good passing team but their starting QB, Oklahoma State transfer Wes Lunt, broke his leg a few weeks ago so the Illini are mixing in two back-ups in his place.  This is a game that the Gophers should win which would set up a potentially epic November in Dinkytown with Iowa coming to town after a bye week.