Week 4 Gameday Thread

Better late than never...

Sorry, we just got back from Ames (womp womp Cyclones) and I forgot to put this up last night.

The games are already rolling. Skol Vikes and good luck to you and yours, except Cracker. May his players be caught stealing in Ancient Mesopotamia and have their hand chopped off.

Monday Update: It (Finally!) Feels Good To Be A Fan Again

Gentlemen,

As yesterday's post mentioned, Mr. Ike Crabs came over to take in my Football Viewing Lair yesterday and we spent a good portion of the day watching your Minnesota Vikings take on the 49ers. There was a point early in the game where Alex Smith was getting rushed and I yelled "Hit him!"

Crabs looked confused at me then asked, "Do you have the Vikings defense?"

This is where we now find ourselves, Gents. No longer do we even consider the possibility that we could be cheering for a game, unless there are fantasy implications. Despite the fact that we were watching the local team that both Ike and I root for, and said squad was looking very solid against what many considered to be the NFL's best team, it still seemed odd that I was simply cheering as a fan.

We've talked in the past about how, as Vikings fans, we've begun watching the local boys less and less, especially as RedZone came into our lives. And last year, I spent the whole season rooting for them to lose (#SuckForLuck) to boost their draft position and either land Luck/RG3 or to get a massive haul in a trade.

But last season wasn't any fun as a fan.

I don't know how good the Vikings are going to be this year, but here's what I can say...

• They're better than last year; how much better is TBD
• They shored up Left Tackle, which has been a rallying cry of mine for years
• They are getting, at a minimum, solid QB play from a young guy who only projects to get better
• This next year's draft class doesn't look as top-heavy as last season, thus there isn't the Luck-type guy to lose for
• No, Matt Barkley isn't Andrew Luck. He might be Jimmy Clausen...

I'm probably going to go 0-2 this week with my fantasy teams. And I really don't care. I haven't had this much fun watching football, as a fan, in a really long time. 

We haven't touched on the Gophers yet (we will), but between them and the Vikings, this is shaping up to be a very fun football season. 

Kick back and enjoy it, boys. There will always be Fantasy.

The Vikings
Not going to break down X's and O's here and I already went on-and-on, but I'll say this: I wasn't sold on Ponder before this game. Didn't hate him by any means, but I didn't love him either. His stats always seemed better than how he actually played, and Frazier/Musgrave were giving him simple passes to make sure he succeeded. But I couldn't really tell if he was the real deal or not.

After yesterday, I'm ready to roll with him. He looked poised, accurate, and smart. And now we get Jerome Simpson back to help open up the passing game even more. Even when he was pressured yesterday, it seemed like he always made the defense pay.

I'm sure this is overreacting to one game, but this guy is still super young and only going to continue to improve. When's the last time we had a young QB to be excited about? Daunte in 2000?

Admit it... you kinda liked the "get your roll on" thing...

The Gophers
Speaking of "when's the last time...", when's the last time the Gophers had a defense like the one we saw on Saturday? Wow, that was a fun game to watch. Even though the offense struggled to finish drives, the game never really felt in doubt, especially after 'Cuse drove down to the 1-yard line...only to have it end with Gophers blitzing the safety, leading to an awesome INT.

My sources tell me that following that game-changing play, the music operator at The Bank cranked up "Gangnam Style" and the place, specifically the student section went nuts and danced like the Korean guy that sings it. If you're unfamiliar, take a look and imagine The Bank rocking. Awesome moment.



UPDATE: Looks like there is video of UMN Gangnam Style, albeit brief, followed by DJ Kool. Looks awesome. I've not been to a game this festive at The Bank.

Cracker's College Football Corner
With more on this game and the Gophers, I asked Cracker 3 specific questions:

1) Who is the better QB for this team?

Honestly, it doesn't really matter that much and at the same time it depends on the opponent.  Both are capable and both give you different things.  The running game is better with Gray in the game.  Syracuse has been gashed by opponents running games giving up 5.5 yards per carry prior to playing Minnesota.  With Shortell in the game and Kirkwood carrying it we were effective but Kirkwood only averaged 3.5 yards per carry.  Shortell is a much better passer and will give you a more balanced offense that can hit on play action more frequently.  Because of Gray's ability to run though, he probably threatens a defense more because when you can run Power with the QB they need to bring a safety in to the box to match up numbers and that gives WRs the chance to run free.  The problem, as we saw in the UNLV game when Gray missed 4 open WRs for sure TDs as well as a few open ones for first downs, is completing those passes.  The preference of QB really just depends on what kind of gameplan you want (run heavy vs. balanced offense) but either can be effective.  When Gray is back I'd personally like to see a little bit of a mix and match to make it tougher for coaches to game plan against us.  As we saw with Western Michigan, we can adjust our offensive game plan a lot quicker than a defensive coach can adjust his.

2) Rank the B1G Teams, 1-12:

There isn’t a team in the Big Ten without flaws. 

Mark’s Big Ten Power Ranking: 

1. Ohio State (4-0) – In no way do they deserve to be at the top.  However, who does?  They have been somewhat lucky to beat Cal (who lost to a DI-AA team in week 1) and UAB in back-to-back weeks while getting outgained in each them.

2. Nebraska (3-1) – UCLA gashed them and exposed a lack of speed in their defense.  However, how many Big Ten teams actually have the chance to do the same? 

3. Michigan State (3-1) – An elite defense (ranked #6 nationally, #1 in the B1G) coupled with a good running back but offset by no passing game.  At least the defense should keep them in every game. 

4. Northwestern (4-0) – After giving up 41 to Syracuse and winning solely because of special teams and defensive touchdowns the Wildcats defense has shown marked improvement.  They have beaten 3 bad teams from AQ conferences which is a better resume than anyone else in the conference but I still am not totally buying in. 

5. Michigan (2-2) – Losses to Alabama and Notre Dame put the Wolverines at .500.  They're ranked ahead of Purdue solely because it took a -5 turnover ratio to lose to the Irish by 7 whereas Purdue lost by 3 with a -1 turnover ratio.  I just don't see Michigan throwing interceptions on 5 consecutive passes again the rest of the season.  

6. Purdue (2-1) – I have the top bowl eligible team from the Leaders checking in at #7.  Yes, the Leaders appears to be that bad.  Purdue has a strong defense (#17 nationally, #2 in the B1G) which makes them the current favorite to win the B1G Leaders division.  They looked good in a loss to Notre Dame but they have only played 3 games and the other two were to DI-AA Eastern Kentucky and MAC bottom feeder Eastern Michigan so we really don't know much about Purdue. 

7. Minnesota (4-0) – What is this new found thing in Minneapolis?  A defense?  It is still early but the last time the Gophers defense looked this good was 199.  They currently rank #3 in the Big Ten and #21 nationally in defense (by yardage) and are only giving up 16.8 ppg (#31 nationally) or 13.25 ppg in regulation (since college OT can really skew point totals).  They are doing it with a pass rush that averages 2.75 sacks per game (#2 in the B1G) and most importantly they aren't having to blitz to get to the QB because DL Wilhite (4.5 sacks, #1 in the B1G) and Ra'Shede Hageman (#3 sacks, tied for #3 in the B1G) are getting there by themselves.  The pressure has led to 7 interceptions (#7 nationall, #1 in the B1G). 

8. Wisconsin (3-1) – After a couple years with a horseshoe up their *ss, Wisconsin finally appears to be reverting to more reasonable level.  They're lucky to get out of their cakewalk non-conference schedule with only one loss after Utah State missed an easy FG for the win and DI-AA Northern Iowa gave them a scare across the fifty driving for the win in the last two minutes.  Bielema's  

9. Iowa (2-2) – Iowa?  More like lolwa.  They could easily be 1-3 right now.  Who hates Iowa? 

10. Penn State (2-2) – Pretty much what they were last year, solid defense with a miserable ginger for a QB but without Silas Redd or a kicker. 

11. Indiana (2-1) –  They're ranked 11 solely because narrowly losing to Ball State seems better than getting blown out by Louisiana Tech. 

12. Illinois (2-2) – Maybe this should be Indiana or Penn State but when the last thing anybody saw from you is losing 52-24 at home to Louisiana Tech you get the cellar.

3) Without looking, what do you think the line should be for Saturday's game at Iowa?

I already know the line is Iowa -6.  It seems absurd to me that the line would open up that far in their favor.  My opinion has less to do with what Minnesota has done this year, or in our previous two meetings with Iowa, and more to do with Iowa.  With what we have seen from each team this year I would have expected us to be favored on a neutral field so I thought this would open as a pick or within 2 points either way.  Iowa has a good defense but has struggled offensively.  Without even knowing the over/under I would lean toward taking the under in this game with both teams seeming likely to struggle to get points.  Turnovers will be the key and I really like our chances of retaining Floyd.

Well done, Marcus. Appreciate the contribution.

Team Names
Ok, I think I've got this voting thing figured out, but we'll see...

Comments welcomed below. Remember, NO voting for yourself. Honor system, gents. If we don't have our word, we're no different than the animals.

Who had the Best Team Name in Week 3?

Some good choices here, but I had to vote for Michele Bachmann. Had Cracker gone with Skip Bayless instead of Stephen A., I may have switched. But as Minnesotan who usually leans conservative in voting, I can't stand this woman and people who aren't from MN associate her with us, which pisses me right off. She can go ahead and die in a fire.

Note: I had to have someone explain who Honey BooBoo is to me. Upon hearing about her, I could definitely see myself voting for her if I had actually seen the show.

Who had the Worst Team Name in Week 3?
Definitely a couple options here too. I mean Flo? Is she really a celebrity?  And what year is this if we're still making Carrot Top jokes?

But the worst for me, and I'm sure he was striving for this, has to be Parkin's Son. I'm guessing Kenny was going for the shock factor, but the idea was to pick a celebrity you wish would die...not one that actually might very soon.

Moving on to this week, Andy submits this as our topic: Worst BOTT Purchase/Idea From Chapter Meeting.

I like it. Let's put some parameters around this. Since it was near impossible to get anything passed in meetings, let's say this can be something we actually did pass/approve/buy or just an idea that was raised in meeting but was summarily shot or voted down.

Hmmm... a couple ideas come to mind, but seems like there should be some golden options here, so I gotta think on this. The usual discussion at MNF should help jog the memories a little bit...

The Games
Oof... As I mentioned earlier, I'm all but assured to go 0-2 this week in fantasy. My 2 QB's started were Vick and Romo. And something called Mohammed Sanu threw more TD's yesterday than both of them combined. Let's get to it...

Rod vs. JoJo

• Before I whine, let's first get JoJo out of the way because his team really did have a kick ass day. 
• Jamaal Charles just killed me. Goddamn... apparently it's ok to give a RB coming off ACL surgery 40 touches in a game. 288 total yards later and he's still standing.
• Calvin Johnson had 1 catch at halftime, yet ended with 165 yards and a TD. That was a crazy 2nd half, if anyone watched.
• Actually lots of games were nuts yesterday. Chiefs/Saints was goofy as well, and Brees, despite not having a very good real-life game, scored 3 TD's. 
• Ok, let me whine... I had 3 guys going in the early games and all 3 were productive. Yet, 2 of them didn't even make it to halftime before getting injured. Cook and Spiller were both having massive games that were cut short. ROD SAD.
• For the 3rd week (out of 3), I've started the wrong QB. Vick... Fuck him. Can I change my team name to him? He's the celebrity I want to die instead.
• For all my bitching, I actually had a good week and would have beaten just about all you assholes. I'm certainly in line for the Loser Bonus and might even end up the #2 scorer this week. 
• JoJo wins 128-103. Fuck the world.

Crabs vs. Whitebread

• I mean look at these assclowns. Nice battle of the 2-0 teams. Combined your teams scored 4 TD's, and that includes 2 from RG3.
• For Crabs, I mean NOTHING was interesting. Romo sucked. Cruz sucked. Harvin was ok. McFadden busted a long one. AP was ok. Celek sucked (nice work, Vick). Ridley sucked.
• For Whitebread, RG3 = Good. Stevie Johnson was good. Wayne was ok. McCoy disappointed (11 carries, really?). McGahee got hurt and sucked. Mathews returned, but sucked. 
• Congrats. One of you will be 3-0 after today. It will probably be Cracker. He trails 77-74 but has Packers D and Finley going tonight. 
• This seems like a good time to point out that Cracker's only had 247 points scored against him thru 3 weeks, whereas I've had 325 scored against me. 

Kenny vs. Dallus

• Another guy jewing his way up the standings: Kenny. Currently has only 241 scored against him, although his opponent isn't done yet this week. 
• Kenny picked up Andy Dalton and temporarily had him in his starting lineup this weekend. I thought that was nuts to bench Brady in favor of Ferguson from Clarissa Explains It All, but it proved to be the right decision. 
• Except Kenny caved. Not sure when it happened, but he ended up putting Brady in there. Not the worst result, just 6 less points. 
• The Bears D was huge for Kenny: 23 points. His biggest contributor so far...
• Dallus continues to hitch his wagons to Chris Johnson. Thus far his wagons have only moved like 50 yards on the season.
• Cam Newton sucked last Thursday, and thus Steve Smith had only an ok day. The downside of doubling down on a passing connection.
• Dallus' best player is Jason Hanson. 
• Kenny leads 88-64. He still has Jordy and Mason Crosby yet to go. Dallus counters with Marshawn. Barring some sort of a Skittles Miracle, Kenny will be the league's worst 2-1 team tomorrow.

Coconuts vs. Crapswell

• Former roommates. They shared the same women. Now they share the same record: 0-2. 
• Juan jumped out to a huge lead here. He had both Eli and the latest phenom Andre Brown going last Wednesday.
• Then early Sunday, AJ Green scores a long one and it looks like Juan is going to run away with this one. 
• And then his team didn't score again.
• Andy had a bunch of injuries and scrambled over the weekend to fill a roster. His team scored one TD.
• BUT... he still does have Aaron Rodgers going tonight. Down 91-55, it's a tall task but if there was one player you'd want, it'd have to be Rodgers. 

Ned vs. Gow

• Another craptastic battle that will result in a gift win for somebody.
• Let's start with Ned... what the hell has happened to Matthew Stafford? Shaun Hill threw 2 TD's in 18 seconds. Stafford had 1.
• TD's actually saved Ned from a horrible day. Andre Johnson, BJGE, Owen Daniels, Jets D - ALL of them would have had bad days without the touchdowns. His score could have easily been sub-50 pts. 
• Gow started 2 of his 3 Ravens and he should have just started them all. 
• Flacco got him 26, Ray Rice 21... and had he started the grieving Torrey Smith, he would have net him 25. 
• Any non-Ravens that he started were terrible. Plain and simple.
• Gow can somehow pull out a win tonight with just 6 more points, trailing 73-79.
• He has CedBen and Sid Rice going tonight, so it's definitely going to happen. With those guys playing, there is no need to even questions any alternatives. CedBen and Sid Rice not only are the healthiest and most reliable of guys, but true STUDS. The only real question is how much does Gow win the Points Bonus by? 
• Congrats to Gow. Gow wins. Tomorrow Gow is 2-1.

Tonight
Let's first start by addressing last week...

With lots of people having kids in the last year, Cracker rubbing elbows with Norwood Teague, and Ned doing "Ned things", Gow was the only person available for MNF last week. He did not attend. Boy, he should have...

If you missed last week, the 1st Quarter was at least an hour. It was a crazy combination of turnovers, scoring, challenges, injuries, and just a trainwreck of officiating.

It all came to a head as there was a fight on the field and all kinds of shit the refs took 8-10 minutes to figure out. All the while there was 0:02 on the clock, and I can only imagine the insane climax at Sally's  that we missed out on...

So basically, that was the 1st Quarter we've been waiting 8 seasons for... and no one was there to take it in. Shame on all of us.

Alas, the beat goes on. Tonight features our favorite team to root against, The Green Bay Packers, against a team QB'd by a guy who I hated last year because he shouldn't have even been allowed to be on my most hated team, Wisconsin. That's the long way of saying the Seahawks, which have Russell Wilson as QB.

I'm still not a fan of Wilson, but I hate the Packers, specifically Packers fans.

There will be plenty of these dickheads in attendance tonight. Let's not forget, it was a magical Packer MNF loss that gave us the "YOU SHUT UP!" line from the gentleman we lovingly referred to as "Alabama Bangs".

I'll be there around 7:15pm. If you can get there sooner, please do so.

Enjoy the game, boys.

Week 3 Gameday Thread

This picture was taken circa 8 minutes ago. Ike Crabs in the flesh is in my living room ready to take on my regular Sunday routine. 2 TV's, NFL Sunday Tickey, RedZone Channel, and a whole lot of fantasy discussions.

Crabs has lots of of money on football today, most of which is not fantasy-related. There could be lots of yelling happening around 2:50 or so...

Y'all are welcome to take in this magic any Sunday you're free. Just let me know.

Good luck to everyone today, except Fred. I hope all of his players catch gonorrhea.

Let's have fun today, boys.

Monday Update: Building a Better Mousetrap

Gentlemen,

The blog could use some refreshing, specifically the Monday Update. I've heard from a couple of you in the past week that you didn't even get a chance to read last week's entry. Things like that make me sad/frustrated. Trust me, there will be a rant later about the work I put into these and how the least you guys could do is just read it, but we'll get there.

For now I want to focus on how to make it better. I feel like it could be getting stale and I'm worried that some of you fail to read it because much of the content is stuff you could care less about. Fair enough, if it's true, so let me know what you'd like instead.

If there are things you believe we should remove, add, or change, please let me know. And if there's random stuff you'd just like to include as part of it, send it all to me. Many of you have done this in the past in small amounts, but let's make it more of a habit. Videos, photos, links - it's all fair game. Doesn't need to be football-related, in fact it's more fun if it isn't.

This isn't meant to be some poor-me entry and I don't need you all to respond and say "thank you". Rather, I want to know how to make it better, so we can bring back the banter that we lost when we stopped doing these via email.

Help me help you.


LEAGUESAFE PAYMENT IS DUE TOMORROW! EVERYONE HAS PAID EXCEPT FOR IKE CRABS.

The Gophers
Trying something new today... I see so little of the Gophers and attempt to recap them each week. We have a couple truly die-hard Gopher fans in our league, one of which is a booster: Marcus Whitebread. So why not give him the floor to give a more accurate rendition of what went down Saturday... Take it away Marcus: 

The Gophers win again!  The Gophers got off to a sluggish start and then saw their top player, QB MarQueis Gray, get carted off the field with an ankle injury before waking up and responding with a flurry of offense.  Western Michigan proved pesky but the combination of back up QB Max Shortell and #WhiteSpeedReceiver AJ Barker proved to be too much to handle as they combined for 3 TDs in a 28-23 victory.  At 3-0 the Gophers have already matched last year’s win total.  

Very nice! That last sentence is quite the backhanded compliment. And I love how hashtags are becoming just a part of everyday writing. God bless you, Twitter.


The Vikings
BTW, I would love to do the same here, if there are any Vikings fans willing to recap. Because of Directv and RedZone, I actually probably only watch 20% of Vikings games, so if there's someone that would like to make a claim on this space, let me know. I'm sure you're all chomping at the bit...

To quote my dad via text, "Vikings absolutely suck." The score was 20-6 at that point and we did come back to tie, but the point remains. When I talked to him later, he was just as adamant. "Clean house. Spielman, Frazier - they all need to go. Trade everyone."

Might be a little extreme. I still can't figure out if I like Ponder or not. I feel like he usually looks good, but we still can't seem to get enough points on the board, and then we're scrambling to catch up at the end.

So many DUMB penalties yesterday. Some of them being replacement ref-driven, but a lot of self-inflicted mistakes. This tweet came from Deadspin contributor and noted Vikings fan, Drew Magary: 

I really wanted to have a better team to cheer for this year. As much fun as #SuckForLuck was last year, I didn't want to have to spend the whole season again looking ahead to the draft. And Matt Barkley isn't really that exciting for me, anyway.

Who knows, maybe we can make some noise this week against the 49ers... Yeah, no. We're gonna lose.

LEAGUESAFE PAYMENT IS DUE TOMORROW! EVERYONE HAS PAID EXCEPT FOR IKE CRABS.

Small Sidebar
A columnist for the KC Star named Kent Babb wrote this amazing takedown of Scott Pioli following the Chiefs loss yesterday. I don't really care about the Chiefs or Pioli, but if you care about quality sportswriting, it's a fantastic read.

It makes me sad that we have such shitty sports columnists in this town. Most are either mouthpieces for the organizations, or just plain lazy and write bullshit, or both. When you read stuff like this, it really makes me wish we had sportswriters that held our teams more accountable, something no one has really done since Barreiro left the Strib.

It's not like Kansas City is some huge market like New York. Their media coalition is likely smaller than that of ours, yet our writers NEVER challenge the teams/leadership the way this column did. For the lengthy forseeable future, we have to live with Sid, Reusse, Souhan, Powers, Shooter.

It makes me sad, yet hopeful, at the same time.


Friday Football Feast
Anyone interested in going to the Friday Football Feast at the U of MN Buffalo Wild Wings on Firday 10/5? For those unaware, Paul Allen broadcasts all his Friday shows during football seasons at various BWW locations and it's just a reason to take Friday off, drink in the morning, and hang out with a bunch of rubes.

I'd be interested if I knew others were attending too. Let me know.


Here's a Fat Guy Dunking

Team Names
Ok first, a small rant...

WHAT THE FUCK? IS IT THAT FUCKING HARD TO CHANGE YOUR TEAM NAMES? I UNDERSTAND PEOPLE ARE BUSY AND DON'T ALWAYS HAVE THE TIME AND ALL THAT BULLSHIT. AS A GUY WITH A WIFE AND A BABY, WHO SPENDS HOURS ON A SUNDAY NIGHT AND MONDAY MORNING TO WRITE A FUCKING BLOG RECAPPING OUR LEAGUE AND PREVIEWING THE MONDAY NIGHT MATCHUPS, I DON'T REALLY GIVE A FLYING FUCK. I BEG YOU ASSHOLES TO COMMENT OR AT LEAST TELL ME YOU LIKED IT, OR YOU DIDN'T, BUT LET ME KNOW YOU FUCKING READ IT. AND NOW, IN WEEK FUCKING TWO, WE'VE GOT THREE TEAMS THAT HADN'T EVEN CHANGED THEIR NAMES AS OF THE SUNDAY GAMES?  I KNOW ALL OF YOU CHECK THE INTERNET, AT SOME POINT, EVERYDAY. AND IF YOU SAY YOU DON'T, YOU'RE FUCKING LYING. THIS WASN'T EVEN A HARD TOPIC - POINT OUT SOMETHING THAT SUCKED ABOUT OUR SHITTY HOUSE. PLUS YOU HAVE A NUMBER OF DAYS TO GET IT DONE. CHANGE YOUR FUCKING TEAM NAMES AND ACT LIKE YOU CARE ABOUT THIS LEAGUE.

In all seriousness, one of the things I've enjoyed about our league and been proud of is how engaged everyone is and stays all throughout the season. You rarely see dormant teams or rosters not updated, and generally people make a point to stay competitive, even if their season is lost. I believe a big part of that is because of the things we do to keep people interested. Weekly bonuses, changing team names, the Monday Updates. Maybe I'm crazy and giving myself too much credit, but when people stop caring about doing the little things, it's a sign of things to come. I don't want to have a league where half of us are trying and everyone else just shows up to draft each year. I'm not asking everyone to invest as much time or care about stupid fantasy football as much as I do. I'm simply asking that you stay engaged, appreciate a little bit of what I do each week, and update your fucking team name as a sign of respect.

Along the same lines, it was quite the chore to get votes/commentary from all of you regarding team names each week, so we're going with a new approach...one that should hopefully spawn more comments. Below you'll find voting options for Best and Worst Team Names. Simply cast your vote, and if you have ONE extra minute, tell us why you voted that way in the comments. The poll closes tomorrow at 5pm, so vote ASAP.

And per usual, those that didn't update don't get acknowledged. And on the honor system, no voting for yourself.

Who had the Best Team Name in Week 2?


Who had the Worst Team Name in Week 2?
UPDATE: Provide your worst team vote in the blog.  I'll have to figure out how to get two polls in the same posting before next week.

Enjoy technology, gentlemen.

This week's topic comes to us courtesy of our friend Andy Crapswell (thank you, Andy): Celebrity That Needs To Die As Soon As Possible. Now, if death is a little too extreme for you, then you can think of it more as "who needs to get kicked in the dick (or female genetalia, if it happens to be a woman". Either way, pick someone if the public eye who sucks.

My choice is easy: Pitbull

He's always adjusting his fucking cuffs!

This fucking guy... I can't stand him. He constantly promotes himself as being so fucking cool, but you know what? You promote Dr. Pepper and Bud Light, "Mr. Worldwide". Both of your preferred beverages suck donkey dick.

Sorry, but I need to say more. First of all, nice song there... Let's repeat "Let's have a real good time" over and over. I so do not understand today's music.

I searched and searched but could not find the radio ad I was looking for... Essentially, there is this Bud Light radio spot with Pitbull talking about how to get your party up to different "percentages". For example, the party starts with "your friends" at 30%. Then you add "their friends" and it goes to 50%. Then you have "your friends, their friends, and beautiful women" to 70%. Then you add Bud Light to all of that to get your party to 100%. THEN... you add "my music!" to get your party to 150%.

I shit you not, that's an actual radio commercial and I hope you all can hear it at some point in it's truly amazing awfulness.

God, I would love to see Pitbull kicked in the dick so hard. While he's adjusting his cuffs.


LEAGUESAFE PAYMENT IS DUE TOMORROW! EVERYONE HAS PAID EXCEPT FOR IKE CRABS.

The Games

Dick vs. NooShoo

• Let's start with Dallus. His team was bad last week, but apparently it's good now. Really good. He already exceeded the highest point total from Week 1.
• Trent Richardson (aka T-Pain) did not play like a Brown, meaning he played very well. Strong.
• Chris Johnson ran for over 2,000 yards a few years ago. I'm not making that up, nor was it a dream. It actually did happen. I really don't understand how you can fall off a cliff so fast, but he has.
• Dallus had a starting RB and WR both score less then 3 points each, yet he scored 117pts. No easy feat. Well done, Dick.
• Gow... 
• He started Antonio Gates. Gates, for those that fell asleep and missed it, was inactive for yesterday's game. On the plus side, his backup scored 3 TD's, so that's nice.
• I would wager a significant amount of money that Shoo has a starting QB not named Locker next week.
• Wasted a HUGE day from Hakeem Nicks... the Giants passing game is going to be a theme here.
• No one left to play. Dallus pulls the upset over Gow, 117-89. He's your current Points Bonus leader.

Andy vs. Kenny

• Two 0-1 teams going at it.... let's start with Crapswell.
• His team is starting to look like an infirmary: Forte, Jennings, Hernandez. He's going to struggle to field a competitive lineup next week.
• Rodgers with 10pts at home against the Bears? How did the Packers win that game again? Oh right, Cutler threw like a hundred picks and got sacked a thousand times.
• Andy does have a very good backup TE (the Gow strategy) in Vern Davis. Two TD's from him, just about the only bright spot for Andy's team.
• Kenny... it was all about Bush. Michael didn't actually do much, but is in line for a huge workload increase in the next couple weeks with Forte out. 
• Reggie Bush? I'm just shocked at how good he's looked. Someone for the Saints should be fired.
• Kenny is currently up almost 30 with Decker and Tamme still playing tonight. Andy has Matt  Bryant and will wake up on Tuesday 0-2. 

Rod vs. Juan

• Big days for me from Foster and Spiller. Spiller will be the #1 Player (for fantasy purposes) after Week 2. Got him for $2. (makes Lo-Face)
• MJD scored a receiving TD and if you saw it, you know it was blind luck.
• Juan had a very, very good week. Double digit scorers from all except for Dez and Shonn Greene. Those guys really hurt him because he was on his way to a really big week.
• Eli threw for 510 yards... on Juan's bench. Wasn't too big of a deal because Rivers almost matched his fantasy totals, but it's still funny to me.
• Vincent Jackson also had a very good day... on the bench. Starting him over Dez (not that you would ever do that) might have sealed this one for Juan.
• Instead, we've got this: Juan currently leads by about 7pts with Michael Turner. I still have Peyton, Julio and Demaryius all going tonight. C'MON shootout!

Crabs vs. JoJo

• Crabs really didn't have a great day, despite a pretty good point total. DMC sucked. Fred Davis sucked. Romo sucked. Pats D sucked (seriously AZ at home?). 
• Giants passing game anyone? Cruz was a monster and that super long TD was a big savior for Crabs.
• Gostkowski might be Crabs' MVP from yesterday, even though he missed the winning FG at the gun.
• JoJo's team did not show up... Jamaal Charles, where the fuck were you?
• DeMarco Murray, them Cowboys needed more.
• Calvin - seeming more and more human, and less Decepticon, each week.
• Frank Gore, somehow, looks better than ever... but it wasn't enough.
• Crabs currently leads 94-77. JoJo will need a huge night from ATL defense or Crabs moves to 2-0.

Marcus vs. Ned

• Considering the low point totals, these guys don't deserve too many bullets...
• For Ned, Dwayne Bowe scored 2 TD's. Where does Bowe get off scoring twice? WTF, Bowe. I didn't even realize the Chiefs scored twice the whole game.
• All these guys were bad for Ned: Stafford, Andre Johnson, Steven Jackson, Owen Daniels, Jets D.
• For Marcus, Larry Fitz and Jerm Finley scored 1 pt. Combined.
• Stevie Johnson, McCoy, and Reggie Wayne all scored a TD each to salvage their days. 
• The Packers, as was already mentioned, had a million turnover and sacks.
• Ned leads by 13 with Roddy still to play. Marcus counters with Matt Ryan and McGahee. This is the best matchup to watch tonight. 

LEAGUESAFE PAYMENT IS DUE TOMORROW! EVERYONE HAS PAID EXCEPT FOR IKE CRABS.

Tonight

I will not be in attendance tonight.

For the foreseeable future, I believe I will be on an every other week sort of schedule. I will be watching the entire game (I hope) while texting those of you in attendance.

Good luck tonight to all of you still alive.

Enjoy the game, gents.

Week 2 Gameday Thread

God dammit the Badgers are so fucking lucky. I so wanted them to lose that game at home.

Lots of good games today. For all he lack of comments that the Monday Update gets, we had quite the discussion going on here last Sunday, and it was a blast.

Let's do it again.

Good luck, gents. Except Kokkinen...

Monday Update: Reunited And It Feels So Good

We waited. And waited. And waited.

We had kids. We got engaged. We moved states. We changed jobs. We did a lot of shit since football ended.

But now it's back. And for at least the next 13 weeks, we have something vested. We have our own teams. Not just the suckass teams from MN. We - you, me, even Ike Crabs - have our very own teams. We control our destiny.

Anyone can win. And as of today, although not much longer, everyone is still undefeated.

Thank God (Fantasy) Football is back.

Welcome home, Gentlemen.

The Vikings
I intentionally didn't draft any Vikings on my roster this year because I didn't want to have to watch them. You got that? I, a fan of the Vikings, wanted less reasons to have to watch my favorite team this year. That's how much I think of this team.

I did watch some of this game because of the MJD/Jennings shitfest I got myself into, and I'm not sure what to think. The first half, the Vikes looked awful. They didn't give up a ton of points, but they couldn't get off the field on 3rd down and Jacksonville isn't exactly a tough test, especially in the Dome.

The second half got better. AP actually looks like he's all the way back, which is insane. The only thing left to see is if he still has his speed on breakaway runs, but he sure seemed to be just as quick.

I don't know what to make of Ponder... The dude looks really good sometimes. And other times he looks like a QB from Florida State. Rudolph is a HUGE target for him. I'm excited to see how he grows this year.

Anyway, it seems like they played a lot better when they decided to involve Percy (SHOCKER!), but they still gave up that deep TD with 20 seconds left. Everyone's all giddy today about Blair Walsh and the big comeback, but they shouldn't have let it get to that point.

We'll see... color me skeptical, if you couldn't already tell.

On Second Thought...
What's wrong with me? We just fucking won. 1-0 baby! Suck on that, Pack fans. I don't see you apologizing when you luck out game after game... The tides are changing. Here come the Purple!

The Gophers
Screw it. Welcome to Winnersville. We don't get very many weekends like this. The Gophers are 2-0 and curb-stomped the dickheads (or whatever their mascot is) from New Hampshire. We are ROLLING.

Bucky takes it on the chin from Oregon State. WOOO! And then they immediately fire their offensive line coach. God, Bielema is such a fucking asshole. Fire everyone, doucher. I'm sure no accountability falls on your smug ass. I hate Wisconsin so much. How I wish they could lose every weekend...

And then the Cyclones, despite playing like shit, beat Iowa in Kinnick. This was a glorious weekend indeed.

It's actually the first time since Oct 2008 when the Vikings/Gophers won and Bucky/Packers lost all in the same weekend. That's actually sad, when you sit and think about... SO DON'T SIT AND THINK ABOUT IT.

WE'RE COMIN'! WE'RE COMIN'!

Team Names
Did you all get the texts from Drew this weekend, or was it just me? Either way, Drew was apparently on campus this weekend and shot some photos along of the BOTT members and/or pledges painting the house, and also of the "Hey Man, Rush BETA" banner (which is a whole other conversation).

When I saw the pictures, my initial reaction was "Jesus, the house looks like shit." And that leads us to this week's Team Name Topic: "Favorite" Thing About the BOTT House. This should be about the physical structure and or workings of the house, not those that live or once lived in it. And the favorite is in quotes because you should really be mocking the house, not saying shit like "the history" or "art deco styling/decor".

There your pledges. You picked 'em.

Side Note: I REALLY need ideas for Team Names this year. If you all fail to provide them, you're going to be getting shit like "What is your favorite cereal" so think long and hard about some ideas and send them to me.

And by the way, I already have dibs on Cinnamon Toast Crunch.


The Games
Remember, we have new names, gents. If you need a refresher:

• Rod Jerks
• Juan Coconuts
• William Fredricks (aka JoJo)
• Ned Titwarmer
• Rick Dick Dallas (changed to Dick, which sounds some much better)
• Ike Crabs
• Kenny Hana
• Andy Crapswell
• Marcus Whitebread
• NooShoo Gow

JoJo vs. Ned

• Brees and Calvin were two of Fred's biggest prizes coming out of the draft. And despite what actually look like good days (22 and 11 pts, respectively), you didn't hear much about either. We were likely spoiled last year with both and the bar is set incredibly high for each. 
• Way back last Wednesday, DeMarco Murray looked every bit the stud many forecasted him to be. The most concerning thing about him was his propensity to run into his own teammates...
• I played Miles Austin in my dad's league and he did nothing at all except for one drive in the 2nd half, where he caught like 4 balls and a TD and saved his fantasy owners. For some reason, it really annoyed me.
• If Brees had an off day compared to last season, Matt Stafford looked like a completely different player, and not in a good way. His late TD pass to Kevin Smith, actually was HUGE for Ned who had both players and kept him in his matchup.
• Jets D was on fire yesterday and carried Ned through some other ho-hum performances (Steven Jackson, Roddy White).
• In the end, it came down to DeAngelo Williams (Ned) vs. Frank Gore (JoJo) in the afternoon games, and Ned even had a bit of a lead. I did not forecast Gore finding his U of Miami form while D-Will gained NEGATIVE one yards rushing. The late TD by Gore was the final dagger. JoJo wins 108-103 and Ned is your leader for the first Loser Bonus.

Rod vs. Andy

• If I drafted today, knowing what I know now, Vick would be on somebody else's team. Four INTs against the crappy Browns. And he could have easily had another, plus a fumble. And he only ran for 32 yards...that's like Ponder's rushing numbers. WTF. Figure it out, jackass.
• If I drafted again today, I would pay double what I did for Julio Jone. Me likey...
• Arian Foster - worth the price. Could have had 4 TD's but didn't get into the end zone on 2 separate goal line situations. Please stay healthy.
• Donald Brown - felt dirty playing him. Felt even dirtier when he scored a TD. 
• Having had Rodgers for part of last season, including when he carried me in the Championship Round, I was terrified to see him against me. Feel like I dodged a bullet having him only score 23 against me. 
• Wherefore art thou, Greg Jennings?
• Ditto, Wes Welker.
• Matt Forte - I watched a lot of this game. Forte looks like a beast, he's really effing good and healthy. But they are deliberately pulling him at the goal line. Michael Bush is going to Jew him all year and I'm glad I didn't land Forte because the whole thing would probably give me a brain aneurysm. 
• Enough about this game. Demaryius Thomas wins it for me in the night game, 116-102. I'm currently in line for the Points Bonus, Andy narrowly misses the Loser Bonus. 

Marcus vs. Dick

• Historically, Dick has proven to be Marcus' Kryptonite, although last year he was nobody's Kryptonite. I actually really liked Dick's draft, but he did not have a good start, and Marcus appears to have fully exercised his demons.
• Let's start with the good... Brandon Marshall looks back in his prime with Cutler throwing to him. Such a beast when he has a decent QB.
• Ok, now the bad: Cam Newton - one bad game or sophomore slump? Your thoughts in the comments. 
• Trent Richardson - no matter how good he was in college, he's a Brown now.
• Chris Johnson - oy. Not good.
• Marshawn Lynch - actually he was ok.
• For Marcus, this day was all about his QB's. Early on, it looked like he may have made the wrong QB selection with RG3 making a strong statement early and often. But Matt Ryan looks to finally be the QB he's been touted as. The Falcons offense looked so damn good. The question now becomes: Does Marcus trade one for more talent/depth or hang onto them just to keep them off everyone else's team?
• Larry Fitz is just being wasted in AZ. 
• Lackluster day for the rest of Marcus' team... McCoy is really good but Reid seemed to prefer Vick throwing picks to McCoy getting 6 yards/carry. 
• Jermichael Finley is a clown. I hate him.
• Marcus still has DHB going tonight and it doesn't matter. He's up 94-83 and will win.

Crabs vs. Juan

• I was emailing Crabs last week about how much depth he has on his team and, though it's a very good problem to have, how it can be frustrating to constantly be struggling with who to start because you have so many good players. And lo and behold, Crabs benches his best WR, despite starting 3 of them. Maclin outscored Cruz, Harvin, and Brown and was the only one to catch a TD.
• He did, however, make the right call benching Hillis. Oof, I didn't see that coming...
• I have Romo in my dad's league and he looked good last Wednesday. I hate having to root for Crabs' players...
• Stevan Ridley - quite the impression. Pretty sure Crabs will keep him starting for a while. 
• Juan's starting RB's net him 4.7 pts. Combined. 
• In related news, Juan historically has not done well in this league. Just kidding Juan... 
• Tough break for Fred Jackson (unless you own Spiller - WOOOOOO!). 
• I've owned Shonn Greene the past 2 season is different leagues. He never scored 15.4 pts for me, as he did yesterday. I would wages that it's his season high.
• #Gronk
• I love David Akers. He's the best.
• Ok, so here's the story on this one: Crabs currently leads by 32pts (88-56) with McFadden going in the late game tonight. Meanwhile Juan counters with Rivers, AJ Green, and Ravens D. While the odds probably favor Crabs, this one is very much in doubt.

NooShoo vs. Kenny

• Here's the summary of this matchup: "What's Worse? Drafting Jake Locker as your starting QB, or only drafting backup RB's?"
• The answer is still TBD, but seriously Gow's strategy to completely avoid QB at the draft and invest heavily at TE was a curious one, and Locker did not make him look smart yesterday. And now he's hurt. Enjoy Russell Wilson, Shoo.
• Gow did get great performances from 3 of the 4 players that played yesterday or last Wednesday: Graham, Bradshaw, and Texans D, so he is set up well for tonight.
• Tom Brady really had a ho-hum day for Kenny with only 17 points. That's only 2 more than Vick... It will be interesting to see if Ridley continues to take points away from the passing game,  as an effective runner. NE hasn't had that since Corey Dillon. Only 236 passing yards...
• Reggie Bush actually had a good day. I continue to be amazed that he's somehow relevant now, and wasn't when he played on the Saints...
• Mike Wallace and Jacob Tamme both helped Kenny in the nightcap with a TD each. 
• Toby Gerhart was not good. The aforementioned Michael Bush or Darren Sproles would have been better.
• So Kenny is all done and currently leads by 23 points. NooShoo still has Ray Rice, Torrey Smith, Antonio Gates and SeaBass. The odds are strongly in Gow's favor here... Still, I'll be rooting against him at Sally's because it's just more fun that way. And I'm playing Ray Rice in my dad's league.

Tonight

TWO games tonight, gents. Cincinnati at Baltimore (6pm) and San Diego at Oakland (9:15pm). Have you heard who is doing the play-by-play for the late game? 

How many times are we going to have to hear "THE RAAAAAAYYYYDEEEEHHHHHS"?

By the way, a google image search of Berman also provides this picture of some incredibly disturbing swamp ass: 

This first week is always fun because the game is so early that most of the people there A) Don't understand the free beer concept, and B) Get scared when Marcus starts randomly yelling "CHALLENGE!" 

I am attending tonight, although I don't know how frequently I will be able to... As those with kids already have figured out, the whole "I'm gonna go to the bar and watch football with my friends while you stay home and put the kid(s) to bed - I've been doing this for years!" argument doesn't usually hold up very well with the wives. The lesson as always: Women ruin everything.

What time are we all getting there? I would say 5pm, if it's possible, but I'm not even sure if I can get there that early. I will be attempting to sneak out, that you can be assured of. We absolutely need Table 1 - this is without question.

Wings. Beers. Football. 

See you tonight, boys.

Week 1 Gameday Thread: The Starting Line

...and away we go.

It's 11:30, football is 30 mins away. I've got 2 TV's ready to roll. I've got the kiddo taking a nap. I've got plenty of beer and snacks at arm's reach. I'm in heaven.

The offseason is over. A new year begins. Right now, everyone is undefeated and has an equal chance of winning.

Thank God football is back.

Welcome back. Here's your new name.

Here ye, here ye!

From henceforth, you all shall be called:

• Rod Jerks
• Juan Coconuts
• William Fredricks (aka JoJo)
• Ned Titwarmer
• Rick Dallas
• Ike Crabs
• Kenny Hana
• Andy Crapswell
• Marcus Whitebread
• NooShoo Gow

If you were just reading these, you might think we all worked for Brazzers.

If you either don't like your name, or would like to submit an additional nickname to someone else above, fire away. But unless otherwise noted, these are who we are. 

Last year's blogs are all gone. They don't exist. Didn't happen. You can find them with the Gophers 1996 Final Four banner.

A few other notes:

• Season starts tomorrow. 
• Leaguesafe has been renewed. Please make your payments promptly. Due date is 9/18/12. If you have any issues with paying, let me know. Do not wait until the last day.
• Yahoo! offers a Fantasy League Pickem this year (it's listed on the main BOTT league page on the far right). This is not a NFL games pickem, just picking our games against each other. Kind of fun. I encourage you all to submit these prior to tomorrow. If you wait longer, my guess is you'll be forfeiting all your picks this week.
• As far as NFL pickem goes, I've abandoned the idea due to lack of interest. Andy, I'm game if you want to do your usual crap pickem with me and Ned, but I ain't setting it up.
• Did we ever decide what to do with the extra $40 this year? If not, I'll stick with last year's plan: Biggest Blowout (to the winner of said blowout) and Narrowest Loss (to the loser of said loss).

I think that's everything noteworthy.

Good luck to you all. As of today, we all still have hope.