Monday Update: All Us Rowdy Friends!

I miss Hank.

Gentlemen,

We'll get to all the games and usual bullshit that no one comments on in a second. But I am really excited for tonight.

I have no idea why the Vikings are playing on Monday Night Football, especially a non-division game, but who cares? Our team is terrible and we're starting a new QB who could also be terrible but has a non-zero chance to be the franchise savior. The possibilities are limitless!


And we're all getting together, at least most of us are (SCREW YOU AND YOUR SOUTH CAROLINA FLIGHT, COCONUTS!). I haven't seen many of you in ages.

Ned showed up last week, but prior to that had a standing date with his lady friend to watch Breaking Bad. Even though Breaking Bad was on Sundays...

Crabs will be there too. I haven't seen him in like 8 years.

And Bill. Good 'ole Bill. He just makes me smile when I see him. I feel like when I see Bill, we're both thinking about how much he knows about that fateful night in Mexico. The Oven Shit Night. I still have that parrot picture...

Anyway, I'm fired up for this evening, and I hope you all are as well.

Now to the terrible week that was (at least for my team). Congrats to you if you're team made it through without serious injuries...

The Games

Rod Jerks (77) vs. NooShoo Gow (106)

• This is so goddamn annoying. Gow literally scored 50 more points than he did last week. Of course he did.
• You know it's not your week when Chris Johnson of all people is scoring against you. Fuck him and fuck you, GOW.
• My whole team sucked. There's my recap. At least they all chose to suck on the same week. Thanks, team. Fuck all your mothers. P.S. Good luck next week!
• Gow would have been in last place had he lost. Congrats on your easy victory, GOOOOOW.

Dick Dallus (103) vs. Juan Coconuts (86)

• Don't look now, but heeeeeeerrrreee comes DALLUS! Two in a row!
• Ok, Dallus still needs serious help at WR. He started Keenan Allen and Aaron Dobson this week. And won.
• Coconuts countered that by starting Jay Cutler and getting all -0.88 points from him. Yes, Juan could have left his QB spot empty and had a better score.
• Juan has now lost 3 in a row. You should ask him about it... He's got a pretty positive attitude.

Andy Crapswell (129) vs. Marcus Whitebread (101)

• Andy had a BIG week, earning himself his first Points Bonus this year. He should send VJax and Forte a nice fruit bowl to thank them. 
• Remember when Whitebread traded away Gronk and Gore for a bunch of crap? Yeah, I'm guessing he wishes he didn't do that deal...
• We have a new roll bitch, boys. Welcome to the bottom, Whitebread. Let's all pitch in for this early Christmas gift...

Ike Crabs (77) vs. Kenni Hana (79)

• Whitebread should really be pissed he didn't play either of these two jerkoffs this week.
• This match looks close now, but Crabs really lost it last night. His Thomas brothers (Julius and Demaryius) needed to blow away Decker. Instead, they only net him 3 more points.
• Kenni heads into tonight having already won, with AP still to play. He may still beat Whitebread...
• Crabs has the Chiefs D. Great, here's GIF of Andy Reid as the Kool-Aid Man:

Ned Titwarmer (80) vs. Bill Fredricks (71)

• Nick Foles looks hideous and plays like he looks. 

Gahhh. Make it go away!

• Does Trent Richardson suck? Looking more and more that way...
• Pour one out for Reggie Wayne.
• Bill had a terrible day. Just awful. Manning was the only player on his team to get a TD. 
• But he still has a chance tonight with Cruz. Ned has Reuben Randle. Yahoo has it at about 2:1 in Ned's favor. I think it's closer to 50:50.

Tonight!

ELIAS confirms Vikings-Giants' combined winning % of .090 makes their Week 7 matchup the worst in 44-year MNF history this late in season
— Pioneer Press (@VikingsNow) October 18, 2013

YESSSSS!

That's us! We did it!

We're #1!

Or #....LAST!

SCOREBOARD to the rest of you terrible matchups! You got nothin' on us!

Ok, so the game sucks. But it's OUR game. Our terrible team. Our new terrible and/or franchise-saving QB.

This should be fun. Really looking forward to seeing you all.

Pourhouse is gonna be busy. Someone get there early. I'll be there by 7:15.