Friday Night Update: Enjoy(ed) the Season

Gentlemen,

Monday was Christmas Eve. Tuesday was Christmas. I was in Iowa for the majority of this week, and haven't seen a day of work since Dec 20. All of these things contributed to the reason there hasn't been a meaningful post in about a week and a half.

And in that time, our FF season has ended.

Let's just get the obvious out of the way: I win. Back-to-back championships for yours truly. Life is good.

I don't know exactly what the proper response should be. I'm incredibly elated, but I also want to remain humble. I don't want to pull a Red Sox fan and become an obnoxious, arrogant dick, but I also don't want to downplay the significance of winning this...because as you all know, I care way too much about this stuff. And I know for many of you, winning would be a very big deal. And to act like it isn't is just as annoying.

So, what I'm going to do throughout the rest of the post is just slip in various visual representations of how good it feels to be the Champ. Starting now:

Championship Recap
This is almost a week old now, but just so we put a bow on this whole thing, let's review:

Jerks vs. Coconuts

• The week began on Saturday night, and to be honest, it went about as well as I could have hoped. Ryan threw four TD's, one to Julio, while Michael Turner continued to do what he did all year: suck. 
• The Falcons actually got down to the 1-yard line and I figured Turner would get his typical Jewish TD to save his fantasy day, as he had so many times this season, but instead Ryan threw on 1st Down to some no-name TE for his 4th TD. 
• It was that sequence that lead to the following text messages from Juan:
• "Matt Ryan can suck my dick!"
• "Fucking greedy cock gobbler"
• "I can't wait to watch Atlanta lose in the playoffs because they refuse to have anything resembling a running game."
• So there you go... Coconuts = not an ATL fan.
• Every single one of Juan's players played at Noon on Sunday, which I normally hate when it's my team. I would still have Pitta and Demaryius going during the 3pm games as my last line of defense. 
• Despite a lead of about 37 points after Saturday, Juan slowly and steadily scratched and clawed his way back. 
• Lead by Dez Bryant, who posted the highest point total from a WR this season, Juan actually took the lead temporarily around 3pm on Sunday, as a number of the games went into OT.
• Around the same time, Tennessee scored a garage-time TD, which isn't a big deal for anyone, except for those owning the GB defense, which lost me about 6 points. At that point, Juan took about a 10-point lead.
• Arian Foster did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING all day. It's easy to not really care about this now, but at the time, he was KILLING my fantasy team, when I just needed a normal day from him. Making it harder was how torn I was, as it was the Vikings shutting him down, which was pretty awesome to see.
• CIN-PIT went into OT, and yet I somehow managed to dodge any big game from Dalton and AJ Green. As we look at this now, this was really the biggest difference in the matchup. Juan really got nothing from his QB. And although he didn't have a bad day per se, Green's game had to be disappointing considering how well he played all season.
• Earlier in the week, after I decided to backup Matt Ryan with 3 QB's, he texted me "How come you snatched up all those QB's?" I responded "Because I like them". Truth be told, I wasn't lying - I did like them. I liked them all a lot more than Dalton and Eli, and I didn't want any of them going against me. Russell Wilson especially scared me, after his crazy 1st Half against BUF. Not sure if Juan would have actually picked him up and played him, but if he had, he's be Champion right now and this post would have a much different tone to it. 
• Back to the recap, about 8 minutes after Juan took that lead, AJ Green fumbled and Demaryius Thomas had about 50 yards receiving and a TD on DEN's opening drive, and I took the lead back by about a point. At that point, Juan only had Dez Bryant still playing (in OT) and that game was nearly over. I received this text: "You seem to have a horseshoe up your ass this week". 
• Horseshoe or not, the Noon games ended and I had a narrow lead with 2 guys just beginning their afternoon. After Thomas' big first drive, he didn't do a ton more. Nor did Pitta. Both got about 5 points each from that point on, but it was all just cushion against any potential stat changes. At that point, I had already won.
• Juan sent a concession text at 8:27pm: "Well, congrats. The QB was my Achilles all year and it killed me this week." Don't hang your head, Juan. You have much to be proud of this season.
• Honestly, Juan got a big day from Dez, but didn't get a TD from anyone else other than Colts D. He put up a pretty huge score for a team that didn't get in the end zone. If he had even one more TD, this could have been a lot different. 
• To get so close, to taste a potential championship, and have it taken away from you... I've been there. And it only makes you want it that much more. My guess is Juan comes back next year more motivated, more knowledgeable than he have ever seen him. 
• Congrats to him, to Andy for his 3rd place showing, and especially... to me. Back-to-back, baby.

The Money

So let's talk brass tax. All the money has been awarded. Here is how it all will pay out:

I'll be submitting this through LeagueSafe shortly. 

Be sure to send Whitebread a "thank you" card for his donation. I wonder if he'll report this as charitable giving on his taxes. 

The Champions

I started this league in 2005, so we've just now completed our 8th season. That means there has been 8 champions. Here they are:

2005 - Dick Dallus

2006 - NooShoo Gow

2007 - Bill Fredricks

2008 - Kenny Hana

2009 - Ike Crabs

2010 - Ike Crabs

2011 - Rod Jerks

2012 - Rod Jerks

Merry Christmas, gents

That's it, boys. That's the list. Six different people have won eight total championships. We had five different winners through the first five seasons, yet we've now had two back-to-back winners in the past four seasons. The list of those yet to put their name on the trophy is: Ned, Whitebread, Crapswell, and Coconuts. 

Cracker claims to have won a championship, and he did, but that league was much different and wasn't organized by me. I went back and looked at it, and that league included Thieling, Lunas, Zamzow, Wade, and Weedman. Quite the murderer's row of FF Managers there, Whitebread. 

The Vikings

Well... somehow, someway, we find ourselves here. One win away from the playoffs, controlling our own destiny, at home, against the Pack. If I wasn't a Vikings fan, I would be super excited to watch this game. However, having a stake in this match makes me nervous as hell. 

I, like most, did not see that game against Houston coming. I certainly thought an upset was possible, but I didn't foresee that dominant performance, not on the road against the #1 seed in the AFC. Being just a fan of the team, it was pretty damn awesome to watch.

So now, GB comes to town. And suddenly this game seems even harder than the one we just won. Rodgers always seems to light us up, but even more so in the Dome. And Ponder still hasn't shown anything that inspires much confidence. 

Defense need to continue doing what they're doing. AP needs to keep doing what he's been doing. And Ponder needs to have his best day as a pro. With all of this happening, we have a chance. In a bizarre way, I'd feel more comfortable if this game was in Lambeau. Rodgers is just so damn good indoors.

But let's enjoy it. Most all of us doubted this team all season and they've surprised us more times than not. They looked dead in the water at 6-6, yet here we are, 9-6 and all that stands between us and the postseason is our most hated rival. 

If I can try to not be anxious, this game should be a lot of fun. 

And I don't have to worry about anything fantasy-wise... because I won.

The Gophers

As I've been typing this, the Gophers just gave up 10 points in the last 2 minutes to lose to Texas Tech by 3 in their low level bowl game. Classic Gophers.

I'm not even going to comment. We all saw this coming. And if you didn't, then God bless you for your optimism. 

The basketball team plays Monday against Michigan State. That game matters a hell of a lot more than this collapse I just watched. Tune in and let's hope the karma doesn't carry over.

#Fuck

Team Names

I'm not going to do a poll for the four of us that actually participated. All I'm going to say is this:

As Crapswell points out, the time is NOW to change your team name for whatever you want it to be in the historical records. You can certainly leave it as Eli Manning or Highway Construction, if you wish, but now is the time to log something a little funnier, if you wish. 

If you refuse, I really don't care. I've already changed mine to Back-to-Back Champ.

Playoff FF

I'll be organizing the usual Playoff FF tournament, for those interested (P.S. You all better be interested). We can do the standard version we always do, or we can actually do a playoff draft if you'd like. I can organize either way, but let me know where the interest lies.

For now, just enjoy watching a week of football as a fan, and nothing more. It's a good week to be one.

The Rest

Gents, it's been a fun season. As I've lamented on previous posts, regardless of the outcome, it's always a sad day when this league ends. 

It's also been a tiring season...at least for me. Going through this for the first time as a dad, I have a newfound respect and understanding for all the parents out there. Finding any time to just watch football is difficult, and that doesn't even touch on the blog. And next year, I'll be a grad student, on top of a dad, and corporate stooge.

I worked many late nights and over some busy workdays to make sure I got the weekly updates out to y'all. Some may call that stupid. Others may call it dedication. Either way, I'm calling it enough. 

Trust me, this isn't some guilt trip to try and get everyone to comment more (although that would be nice). No, I'm just relieving myself of blogging duties. This doesn't mean there still won't be Monday Updates next year. I'm sure there will be. But they won't be every week, and they won't be very long. 

Honestly, they'll probably look a lot different, and maybe it will become a bunch of mini-posts rather than one big one. I don't know. We'll see what happens.

And I think this is a good thing for a number of reasons, the biggest one being my proposed use of the blog as we move forward: it's yours. I've captained this ship on my own for long enough. I'll still be posting here and there because I won't be able to cut the cord, but I've decided you all should be able to as well.

As of now, I'm providing author rights to everyone (or as soon as I can figure out how to do so). You guys are actually funny, and even if you aren't, we'll let you know and that will be funny. 

I'm hoping that by doing this, the blog will become more of a destination, and not just on Mondays. I know it will be one of my frequent stops to see what old picture Crapswell is posting, or what Twins prospects Whitebread is musing over, or reviewing the Final Gow Mock Draft in April . I don't think the blog as to be restricted to just FF, and I hope it isn't. I see it more as an extension of the MNF conversations that everyone is not always able to attend. I see it as a way for us all to communicate, interact, and stay in touch even more.

Anyway, it's been a fun ride and I'm genuinely looking forward to see where you all take Bottball to in the future. Have fun, don't be shy, and let's support each other. 

Look at it this way... since I started writing the blog, I've only known FF Championships. Someone else should get the blogging karma on their side.

I want to thank you all for a great season. It's been fun and I can't wait until August. 

And with that... I'll be Gangnam Styling my way down the road. #Championship

Week 16 Gameday Thread: 2012 BOTT FF Super Bowl

I'll try to elaborate more of a preview in this space later, but for now, I just want to make sure something is out there. There is a games starting in a little over an hour...

It's me vs. Coconuts for the Big Prize.

Crapswell vs. Gow for 3rd Place.

Good luck to everyone. Except Coconuts. May his players get charcoal for Christmas. Gonorrhea-laced charcoal.

Monday Update: At Season's End

Gentlemen,

Well, here we are. One more week, and then we put a bow on the 2012 BOTT Fantasy Football season. There will certainly be the NFL Playoffs version, as always, but that's really just a way to try and make up some of the money you lost, or spend the money you just won. In either case, it's not quite the same.

A week from tomorrow is Christmas Eve. It also happens to be the first day, in a little over four months, where you won't have a Fantasy Football team to manage anymore. And yes, I realize for some of you, that day has already passed. It's a sad day. It's one I never look forward to... even last season, when I actually won the Championship, I felt 1) Relieved that I didn't blow it, and 2) Sad that is was over.

I've said it many times before, and I will once again: I love this game. This stupid, unimportant, make-believe, stress-filled, wreck of a game. I just love it. And it saddens me every year when it leaves us.

I'm fortunate enough to be playing in Week 16 next week, but any excitement I have is tempered knowing that one way or another, it will be my last.

And with that... let's get it on.

The Games
I realize there were other games being played yesterday, but I'm really not sure what was at stake in them. If you feel I robbed you of a headline, feel free to share in the comments.

Coconuts vs. Gow

• This was one of those matchups where everyone watching says one of two things: Either "Why didn't [insert either team manager] suck against me??" or "[insert winning team] is so fucking lucky. [insert future opponent of winner] will destroy them next week."
• I think subconsciously we all like to see the playoff teams perform even stronger in the playoffs, as some sort of justification why they are there. Matchups like this, fair or not, begin to erode certain teams perceptions. 
• Let's take a look at Coconuts:

• It's worth noting that 81 points was his low water mark of the entire season. Prior to this, his lowest score was 90. 
• It's rare you see any team win when their QB gets 2.4 points, but even more so in the playoffs. And 0.3 from Ridley... I mean, it's crazy that this was a winning squad. 
• And even his WR's... they were decent, but these are 3 of the Top-5 WR's for the season, and they all had fairly quiet weeks. 
• Let's be honest - his hero yesterday was Janikowski, hands-down. 20 points from your kicker? I'm not doing the research, but that has the be the highest of any kicker on the season. 
• Even with that extra boost, he still only scored 81 points, but...

• ...Gow's team was that much worse. 
• Cam was fine, but not otherworldly, as he had been. 
• I had thought Bryce Brown could be a guy to carry Gow to a Championship. Instead, he really sunk him 2 weeks in a row. 
• He really had very little of his players even show up. Less than 5 points from five different guys, including two goose eggs. 
• Seriously...68 points, in the playoffs. This was a team that scored 154 points last week. Quite the dropoff.
• Fantasy football is a funny game. And I'll be the first one to say no one should ever have to apologize for who they played, and/or how they won. As Paul Newman said, "the balls roll funny for everybody, kid." Juan and Gow earned the right to be in this matchup, and however it results doesn't change that. 
• So Juan scores his lowest total of the season and moves on to his first Championship matchup. Congrats to him on exercising many FF demons this season. 

Jerks vs. Crapswell

• For all the talk about jinxing, Dirxing, un-jinxing, etc., I really don't buy into much of that. What I do believe in is Fantasy Karma, and like in any sport, not celebrating until the final second ticks off the clock. 
• Andy can say what he wants about me trying to jinx him, but anything I wrote/sent to him was 100% honest and he was the one initiating the jinxing in the first place. He texted me Saturday saying, in reference to him stopping by my home on Sunday:
• ANDY: "I figured we could watch me lose together." 
• ROD: "I'm not so sure you're losing to me."
• A: "Stop trying to unjinx yourself."
• R: " No unjinxing... Just saying I'm nervous..."
• ...which I truly was. The next morning, between 11am and Noon, I changed my lineup probably 7-8 different times. Different combinations of Colston, Cobb, Wilson, Julio, and Spiller. However many different ways exist to start 3 of those 5 players, I believe I tried them all.

• I settled on Wilson over Colston (as my final decision), when Cobb would have got me 3 more points. Either way, it wasn't a big deal. Benching Julio would have been a major regret.
• Both Andy and I had 7 guys going in the early games, and both of our teams started slowly. In fact, I legitimately was beginning the process of accepting I was going to lose at half time. 
• The Falcons and Broncos were way up, meaning they were likely to pass very little in the 2nd half. And the Giants were down by so much that they were abandoning the run, and apparently David Wilson is so bad in pass protection that Kregg Lumpkin is preferred. I felt doomed.
• Plus, he had Rodgers going, who was just getting warmed up after his slow start...

• Well... some of what I thought would happen was accurate. Demaryius Thomas didn't get another catch. Wilson didn't do diddly dick. However, Matt Ryan threw two TD passes to Julio in the 2nd half, which helped me three ways: Ryan, Jones,  and Giants D (on Andy's team). That was huge. That was when I started to feel I had a chance.
• And Shayne Graham. Janikowski gets 20 and the bigger headline, but I was about ready to conceive a child with Shayne Graham by about 3pm.
• Andy did get his boost from Rodgers. It was actually slowed somewhat be Chicago just sucking ass in the 2nd half. If they had kept it closer, he likely would have thrown for much more, as he was doing whatever he wanted.
• The big detriment for Andy was Doug Martin. Facing the Saints, one of the worst defenses (pass and rush) in the league, he got 2.7 points. I always had a feeling he was going to break one at some point, and he just didn't. The Bucs got down so much, they had to throw all the time. And usually Freeman was throwing to the wrong team. For Andy, it was the wrong day for Dougie to have his worst game of the season.
• Even with the modest Spiller boost in the afternoon games (Fuck you, Brandon Myers), Andy was still within shouting distance. He needed BIG games from both Hernandez and Welker, which wasn't unheard of, especially given what happened last Monday night. But alas... they were merely good, not great, and Andy's Championship hopes ended late last night.
• He moves on to face Gow in the 3rd place game. 
• And Coconuts and I will have our rubber match for the Championship.

Alright... let's talk about something else for a while.

The Vikings

What a goofy season. 

We look strong to open the year against a really weak schedule, going 5-2 when we weren't that far away from 7-0 (losses to Indy and Washington), yet we didn't look like one of the best teams in the league. 

Then we face better competition, going 1-4 during that span, with our QB rapidly regressing while our RB was beginning to look like a superhero. 

Now, we've won our last two against teams fighting for that last playoff spot (like us) and find ourselves at 8-6. Peterson just finished the best 8-game stretch for any RB in NFL history, and we're basically 2 wins away from making the playoffs. 

And we now have to play teams with a combined record of 22-6 (Texans, Packers). Both who look like they won't be resting any stars because playoff positioning is still on the line. 

There is a part of me that is lamenting what could have been... if we only had a better QB, we could have won at Indy, at Washington, at Chicago, and certainly at GB. Yet, here we are. We're the #6 seed as of today, and just need to win our next two games.*

However unlikely and improbable it may be, I want it to happen. I want it because I really like this team. Ponder aside, this team is improving and looking more and more like a team I can get behind in the future. Something is building here (again, Ponder aside), and I want it continue. 

Yes, if we made the playoffs, we'll probably get smoked in the 1st Round...so what? Would it be a bad thing to have my team in the playoffs, even if they don't win? At let's not forget, the Super Bowl champions last season were the #6 seed in the NFC. #justsayin

I don't have faith in our QB, but I do in just about everyone else on this squad. And I'll be rooting hard on Sunday. Skol Vikings, baby. MOTHERFUCKING SKOL.

*Yes, I'm aware that winning out doesn't guarantee us a spot yet, but I believe it will. Someone else is going to lose.

The Gophers (Whitebread)

1. Have we even played since we did this last week? Is there anything to talk about?

The Gophers beat NDSU last Tuesday and then had the weekend off for finals.   Rodney was #1 play of the day on  Sportscenter for his breakaway 360 dunk and Trevor was #3 for a put back dunk.

2. Apparently there were bowl games this past weekend. And apparently we all picked them correctly in Dallus’ little pool. (Truth be told, I just used that email you sent last week with the spreads to make most of my decisions) Is there a bowl game even worth watching in the next week? How about before Dec 31?

I'm not sure.  I'm laying in bed with a 101 fever so I'm too lazy to look (damn, I now finally came up with a team name for this week).

Gallus texted me with the word "Arizona!" on Saturday so apparently it was worth watching.  I was at Paavo's wedding getting pictures taken at the time but it looks like Arizona scored 2 TDs in the last 0:42 to win 49-48.  That is what I love about bowl season, games that don't sound interesting make for exciting matchups.

3. (really stretching for a question here) Have you decided what you’re doing with the bar for your wedding next summer?

We're still working on it. Planning the bar is the best part of wedding planning so I'm going to stretch the process out as far as I can.

Wow... super lame update from Cracker. Worst of the season by-far.

Let's try this again...

The Gophers (Titwarmer)
I could easily look this up, but I honestly don’t know who the Gopher hockey played this weekend and/or what the result was…

1. So first question, just give a brief recap of what the hell happened this weekend?

We were idle this past weekend.

Oh.

2. Where are we currently ranked (Nationally and WCHA) and why aren’t we higher?

We are ranked #4 by USCHO. The new rankings come out later today, but we should stay put. Maybe drop a spot because Miami swept Ohio State. We aren't higher nationally because we really haven't played anyone yet and the "decent" teams we did beat have gone into the tank (MI State and Vermont). We've got games with #1 BC and # 3 Notre Dame coming up in the next few weeks and if we win those, we'll be back to #1 or #2. 

We're currently tied for #5 with Omaha in the WCHA with 15 points (mostly because we were idle). St Cloud swept CC and is in first, while UND (swept MI Tech) and Denver (tie, loss to Bemidji) are tied for second. A surprising Mankato squad is 4th (split with Omaha). Had we played this past weekend, I would guess we would either be 1 or 2 in the WCHA.

3. Games/series to look forward to in the next couple weeks?

Our next game isn't until 12/29 for the Holiday classic. We play Air Force Friday and #1 BC Saturday. Looking forward to the BC rematch (they beat us in the frozen four and won the national championship last year for those who forgot). I would say our chances of winning this game are 30/70, but it should be a very entertaining game with wide open, fast hockey and maybe a couple of "I remember you ending our season last year" cheap shots (looking at you Rau). 

Better... certainly better than Cracker's mailed-in performance.

Screw it - let's try one more...

The Gophers Draft Stuff (Gow)
1. Which bowl games are you paying most close attention to because of the draft prospects playing in them?

Outback Bowl: MICHIGAN’s OT Taylor Lewan vs. SOUTH CAROLINA’s DE Jadeveon Clowney 

The best pass rusher in college football versus one of the top OT prospects in this year’s draft class. For the true football fan, the battle begins and ends in the trenches. Yes, Gow likes big uglies. Now, Lewan’s stock has sky-rocketed this year, similar to Reily Reiff of Iowa (last year). Though as the draft approaches, I expect his stock to fall from the mid-first to late-first. That said, if he shuts down Clowney in the Outback Bowl… he will get serious attention from a ton of teams, that have desperate situations at left tackle. Oh, and the SOB is 6’8”, 309 lbs, and has adequate length for an NFL left tackle. 

Music City Bowl: NC STATE’s CB Davis Amerson vs. VANDERBILT’s WR Jordan Matthews 

Extremely intrigued by this matchup of Juniors. Prior to this year, Amerson was potentially the most sought after CB in this year’s class (and still could be). He led the country in interceptions last year and was thought to take away half the field this year. Unfortunately, this didn’t happen as he was challenged successfully early in the season by Tennessee’s WRs,… and the rest of the SEC followed suit. Amerson is a scouts dream, as he measures 6-3, long arms, and has fluid movement in his hips… good chance he gets over-drafted. Now Matthews is not a slouch either, he is easily one of the best WRs in the SEC and it is extremely unfair that he doesn’t get the pub because he plays at a school that graduates their football players. I expect Matthews to torch Amerson… but I am hoping to be surprised.

2. Obviously, this will change between now and April but who’s currently the Top-5 players on Gow’s draft board? 

This is fluid, but here we go:#1 – OT, Luke Joeckel, Texas A&M#2 – DT, Jonathan Harkins, Ohio State#3 – NT, Star Lotulelei, Utah#4 – CB, Jonthan Banks, Mississippi State#5 – LB, Manti Te’o, Notre Dame

Overall, DTs and DEs are the prize of this draft. Lots of 3-4 teams will be chomping at the bit to get their hands on a lot of hybrid edge rushers. QBs will get a lot of publicity, but the group is extremely deep at the top… just not spectacular. CBs and Safeties are sporting great size and could be over-drafted because of the pass-heavy nature of the NFL.

3. Give us your mock draft of the first 5 picks, as they’re currently slated: KC, JAX, OAK, PHI, DET.

#1 – Kansas City Cheifs (Luke Joeckel, OT, Texas A&M) – All of you know that I am not conventional, and the trend continues. Everyone thinks that Kansas City will fire GM Scott Pioli and will find a QB of the future with the number one pick here. Personally, I think Pioli keeps his job (one more year) and they draft a left tackle… which will immediately cause fans to ask for his Pioli’s head. Why I like this pick, is that Joeckel has been a stud all year against the best pass-rushers in college football… and can run block like a true franchise tackle. Their dreadful QB situation can easily be answered in the 2^nd round, as this year’s QB crop is not good at the top… but really deep (if you include the juniors). 

#2 – Jacksonville Jaguars (Matt Barkley, QB, USC) – What Pioli won’t do, GM Gene Smith will do. Drafting (WR) Justin Blackmon last year and the emergence of Cecil Shorts, makes this pick a huge no-brainer. I completely disagree with any mock draft that says otherwise, why… because I’m a jerk. Some mock drafts say, that West Virginia’s Geno Smith would be a better QB (and he might be). Personally, I think that Gene Smith has learned from his mistakes with Blaine Gabbert and will go with a more traditional pocket-passer… as opposed to the athletic spread offense QB. 

#3 – Oakland Raiders (Sam Montgomery, DE, LSU) – This is hard to say, as the Raiders are no longer expected to draft for only the height/weight/speed guys. New leadership didn’t have a 1^st rounder last year, and thus I am purely guessing. That said, I think the Raiders are extremely fortunate with a lot of great choices for positions they really need help with. So far, I am between Montgomery (my favorite) and NT-Star Lotulelei (Utah)… but there are a ton of good DE & DT prospects. 

#4 – Philadelphia Eagles (Taylor Lewan, OT, Michigan) – If you were paying attention above, I think he is maybe a mid-first rounder, so this is a reach. I imagine that wherever the Eagles fall in the draft, they will be a prime trading destination for teams looking to trade up for their preferred QB or DE. And for those that say QB, QB, QB… I think that Nick Foles is a decent QB, and I truly believe that the Eagles think the same (with or without the Andy “the Walrus” Reid at the helm).  

#5 – Detroit Lions (Jonthan Banks, CB, Mississippi State) – Another talented team, like the Eagles, that don’t have many holes… but sucks as a team. The most glaring hole for the Lions is easily their secondary… I prefer Banks over Alabama’s DeMarcus Milliner. Both CBs have good size, played well all year, and against good WRs. But just like I have said about Alabama defenders last year, “how much of this is being on a great defense?” This is why I feel that Banks is a clear standout at CB. Of interesting note: I think Manti Te’o is a very real possibility here. I just leery of picking  non-pass rushing LBs in the Top 10.

WELCOME TO THE BLOG, NOOSHOO! Holy shit, that's a walk off, sports fans. Well done, Gowser. No more guest posts needed this week.

By that way, I emailed Gow those questions at 8:55am, and got them back at 11:02am. What do you think he did during those 2 hours...?

Team Names
Well, it's that time of year where people officially stop paying attention. We had 5 teams change their name this week.

I'm not going to put the poll up, since people aren't really voting that often anyways. I'll put the list of team names here, and you can vote in the comments, if you still care. Ironically, last week's topic was about laziness... 

• Sit to Pee
• Pee in a Beta Sink
• Used Dog as Towel
• Drivers License
• Ketchup Spaghetti

BEST: For me, Ketchup Spaghetti wins this in a landslide. Sounds disgusting.

WORST: Pee in a Beta Sink. First of all, we all did that. It's called "convenience". Second, I happen to know Andy peed in a water bottle while playing some video game shortly after college. And when Coconuts came over to pick him up (since Andy ALWAYS needs a ride), the bottle was still sitting there on a ledge. He was too lazy to even throw away his piss bottle after it was done. He kept it on display in his room like a goddamn track and field trophy. If you had gone with that story, you would have won, Crapswell. 

Team Name Topic

Not going to go crazy with a topic, since most of you aren't changing it anyways.

If you'd like to participate, here you go: Biggest FF Regret of 2012. 

This can be lots of different things... It could be a player you drafted, or one you were thiiis close to bidding $1 more for but didn't. It could be a trade you made, or one you rejected. It could be a pickup you made, or someone you just missed out on. It could be a guy you started (or didn't) in a crucial matchup. 

Really anything goes here. This is your time to whine, vent, bitch, and ultimately release your anger to put some closure on the 2012 season.

I realize everyone is giving up, but do us all a favor and participate on this one. It's the last one.

Friday
Remember, this Friday a bunch of us are headed to the Buffalo Wild Wings in Lakeville for the Friday Football Feast. It starts at 9am, but we're going to have a good sized group, so please get there as early as you can to help hold seats. So far this is who I know is going:

• Jerks + Mrs.
• Ow
• Crapswell
• Dallus
• Crabs
• Jerks brothers...possibly
• Coconuts? or Mrs. Coconuts? Juan, please confirm.

I think that's all so far, but I'm not sure, so pipe up in the comments if you're attending one way or the other. Since the Vikings season is still very much alive, it should be a fun and rowdy crowd. 

Tonight
Here it is, boys. The one we all look forward to. The one we've waited for.

If it ever happens, it happens once per year. When we all get together for MNF at Sally's. The whole league. All 10 of us. And who will be have the pleasure of watching this evening?

Jets. Titans.

Fuck. A. Duck.

Ok, so the game is worthless, but it will be fun to see everyone. We all are planning on attending, yes?

Cracker (via text): It doesn't look promising.

Well goddammitt! Who else isn't coming tonight? Anyone? JoJo/Kenny, I'm looking your directions. I realize numerous kids is a large burden to leave to your respective wives while you go to the bar to drink beer and watch football. Let us know if you're attending...

Unfortunately, tonight's game has no bearing on the matchups. All the more reason to focus on the 1st Quarter beer.

This is the last MNF game of the year, gents. Since next Monday is Christmas Eve, the NFL moved that game to Saturday night. I agree, it's weird. So let's go out with a BANG.

See you tonight, boys.

Week 15 (Playoff Semifinals) Gameday Thread

PLEASE OH PLEASE OH PLEASE OH PLEASE OH PLEASE OH PLEASE OH PLEASE OH PLEASE OH PLEASE OH PLEASE OH PLEASE OH PLEASE OH PLEASE OH PLEASE OH PLEASE OH PLEASE OH PLEASE GOD LET ME WIN TODAY.

It's myself vs. Crapswell, and Gow vs. Coconuts.

Good luck to everyone, except Andy. May your players trip and fall into a giant ravine. Filled with gators. And STD's.

Monday Update: Snow Shit, Sherlock

Gentlemen,

Father Winter took a giant dump on us yesterday. The older I get, the less I like snow. I mean I like to have it around for Christmas for ambience and all that shit, but overall I could really do without.

As someone who owns a home with a driveway, it's a pain in the ass to manage. I have a snowblower, which admittedly is easier/more fun than a shovel, but I'd still rather do neither. I spent probably a combined 3 hours outside yesterday screwing around with the fucking snow, when I could have been watching Gow's defense score oodles of points.

And then the dickhead plow FINALLY comes by overnight, and barricades my fucking driveway so nobody can get in or out. So I had to deal with that shit this morning.

And last winter's weeny snowfall really opened my eyes to how nice it was to not have too much of it. I could go for a run in January without breaking my neck. I didn't ruin my dress shoes. It got a lot nicer and warmer way faster in the Spring because there wasn't a million tons of snow to melt. I was mowing the lawn in March.

I realize I'm the idiot in Minnesota, complaining about the snow. There are lots of places I could move to and my dream would be realized. But fuck that. I'm not going anywhere. I can wait this out. I'll continue to pollute and maximize my carbon footprint to ensure Global Warming screws up winters permanently.

Maybe as we have kids and they get older, and subsequently enjoy playing in the snow, it will be fun again to go out sledding, skiing, and everything else. But right now, especially after a 70-minute Monday morning commute, snow can eat my ass.

The Vikings
What the hell, man...

You know what's really sad about this season? If we even had mediocre-level play (say like Russell Wilson-ish) from the QB position, we'd actually be a reasonable contender. I mean, we're 7-6 right now with a QB that is averaging 137 passing yards over the past 7 games.

Meanwhile, Peterson not only has a legit shot at 2,000 yards, it's not inconceivable that he makes a run at Dickerson's record of 2,105. Think about that. He may do one or both of those things on a team with absolutely no threat of a passing game to keep the defenses honest. He's such a weapon that we're just wasting...

And the defense, though not without it's warts, has been playing pretty good (especially at home) and has rarely been the reason we lost games. Teams aren't throwing the ball with ease against us for the first time in quite a while.

I've ranted about stupid Ponder in this space before. Now, I'm just beaten down. I hope we don't have to endure another season of him while he "progresses" as a pro. We've seen too many young QB's come in and have success right away to keep forcing him in there with his shitty performances.

I'd like to see Webb play, if nothing else just to stop seeing Ponder ruin drives. Webb may suck, but at least he'll be a more entertaining version of sucking. And he actually might be good...

The Gophers
This week brings us the usual Cracker and his Gopher-y goodness regarding the #14 hoops squad. And also the very first guest appearance from our resident Hanson brother, Ned Titwarmer, to discuss the hockey team. Let's see what they've got to say...

1. So, I’ve really not watched much of the Gophers basketball yet this year, but I know we’re mostly the same roster as last year. Give us a rundown of the notable players and what we think they’re capable of doing this year.

The Gophers are essentially the same roster as last season but this looks like a much better team.  The primary reason is the emergence of Andre Hollins at the point guard position.  He was a freshman that was hobbled with an ankle injury for most of last year but clearly took the reins down the stretch and in to the NIT last year.  Hollins is a point guard that can score which is what Tubby coached teams need for the times when his offense stagnates in the half court game.  He is averaging 13.7 ppg with 3.4 apg and on two occasions has absolutely gone off offensively with a 41 point performance against then #19 ranked Memphis when he went 12/16 from the floor including 5/5 on 3's and again against South Dakota State going 8/9 from the floor and 6/7 from 3.

Aside from Andre, Rodney Williams has finally emerged as a go to player as his game has started to catch up with his athleticism.  He is averaging 12.9 ppg / 6.3 rpg / 2.3 apg and 1.7 bpg.  Austin Hollins has been the third player to really emerge.  He is our best defender (averaging 2.5 steals per game) and is also chipping in 11.7 ppg / 3.8 rpg / 2.4 apg.  The other piece that was expected to really stand out is Trevor Mbakwe.  Coming off a knee injury, Tubby has been playing him shorter minutes to get him ready for a bigger role but when needed he has played extended minutes against some of our better competition.  He doesn't look quite as explosive as before the knee injury but he can still be a force on the boards.

My goal for this team before the season is the same as it is today: Sweet Sixteen.  They have the athleticism to play with anybody in the country.  We aren't necessarily as skilled as some of the elite teams but there is no reason the Gophers can't be a 4-5 seed in the NCAA tournament, win a couple games, and then take your chance against a 1 seed and hope that somebody (Hollins) is hot that day.

2. Along with that, may as well address the conference, since it looks pretty strong. We’re less than a month away from B1G play starting up. Where do you see the Gophers ranking within the conference and who else is looking formidable. (Essentially this is your B1G preview)

The Big Ten is clearly the best conference in the NCAA again this year.  The Big Ten boasts 6 teams in the top 20 with IU (#1), Michigan (#3), Ohio State (#7), Illinois (#13), Minnesota (#14) and Michigan State (#19).  With all those teams winning this week, including Illinois winning at #10 Gonzaga, those rankings should only move higher too.

It is early and some teams inevitably look worse come Big Ten season (Minnesota & Illiniois recently) while others start to look better (usually Michigan State & Wisconsin) but right now this is how the conference looks to me divided in to tiers.

Vying for title/1-3 tourney seed: Indiana, Michigan, Ohio StateLikely NCAA tournament teams (4-9 seed): Illinois, Michigan State, Minnesota, Likely to be somewhere on the bubble: Iowa, Northwestern, WisconsinHoping to play spoiler: Nebraska, Penn State, Purdue

My Big Ten predictions:1. Indiana2. Michigan3. Ohio State4. Minnesota5. Michigan State6. Illinois7. Iowa8. Wisconsin----------------------------9. Northwestern10. Purdue11. Nebraska12. Penn State

--- = bubble cutoff

3. Really should have had 4 points in CC this weekend. What happened? And does that mini-collapse in the 3^rd game overshadow what was otherwise an pretty strong weekend for the hockey squad?

(Ed. Note: I sent this question to both Cracker and Ned. Cracker responded to this one with "Ask Ned")

We dominated the first 2 periods. They scored one goal shorthanded in the 3rd (Marshall brain fart give away) and the game tying goal with 24 seconds left with the extra man. The game easily could have been 4-2 or 5-3. I would say that if you told Lucia he'd get out of there with 3 points, he would have been happy. However, you are correct, we should have gotten all 4 points. Sometimes, things like this just happen and I wouldn't dwell on it. However, we should keep this in the back of our minds in case a pattern starts to develop.

Feel free to address anything else hockey-related, as I’ve not seen a ton of the team this year. Who stands out? Who’s the weak link(s)?

What stands out for me so far this year is our Frosh G Adam Wilcox. I would have said G was my biggest concern coming into this season as we were stacked at the other positions with returning starters and Frosh talent. He's played beyond my expectations and I'm guessing Lucia's as well, as Wilcox didn't give him an option to do his stupid "play a different goalie each night" routine. For those that aren't in the know, Lucia has this thing where he takes two good goalies and makes them both mediocre by alternating playing time so no one gets in a groove or has confidence that he's the guy.

What scares me a little is our D. Other than Schmidt (Schmidt Happens!) and Marshall, I'm not seeing the play that we should be getting out of this group. Helgeson looks to be regressing a little and Alt looks like he's afraid to shoot at times. However, this is a veteran group and they should start picking it up soon.

Team Names
Are people still paying attention? Why is no one voting? We had THREE votes last week for the villain likeness, which was a pretty awesome category. Do I need to keep voting open longer? What's the deal? I'm not seeing a ton of enthusiasm for the Weekly Team Names as I used to...

This week, all but two of you participated, which is basically on-par for the first week of the playoffs. People start taking off and or not even checking anymore around this point in the year. 

Anyway, Kenny and Dallus didn't submit, so they're off the list this week. Remember, the category was Worst Thing About Wisconsin.

***VOTE IN SIDEBAR***

BEST: I think those of you that participated did a nice job this week in capturing many of the things that truly suck ass about our friends retarded cousins to the East. My choice came down to Highway Construction (which is omni-present of I-94) and Mediocre Beer. 

I ended up going Mediocre Beer. As I get older and appreciate beer more and more, it's amazing how much shitty beer comes out of Wisconsin. And I'm not some snob... I always have Coors Light in my fridge because sometimes you just want an ice cold light beer. Wisconsin beers just suck. 

Although Spotted Cow is an exception.

WORST: This was a tough one for me too. Crabs went with Carl Gerbschmidt, which I hope he realizes isn't a real person. If he's using him as some sort of model for all Packer fans, I guess I can get a little more on board with that...

But Ned just whiffed on this one... Booze on Sundays. I mean, what is wrong with that? And how is Ned, of all people, the one saying it's wrong? I wish MN would adopt this so we stop giving sales to WI Liquor stores.

Back to Miller Lite for a second... are they still making those "punch top" cans? Or did those already get discontinued because they were the dumbest thing anyone who drinks beer had ever seen?

Did you guys ever even see these things in distribution?

How do I like you now? I like you LESS now, if you must know.

And by the way... apparently, they don't work.

Team Name Topic
Since apathy seems to be starting to set in, let's use that as our focus. This week's topic is Something You've Done (Or Not Done) Out of Laziness. And no, there is not the option of using "Didn't Update Team Name" or even "Mailed In This Team Name" as an option. You're all a bunch of lazy assholes - don't deny it - so just tell us something specific you've done that shows it to be true. 

The Games
Only had 2 games going this week. Let's review:

Gow vs JoJo
(Ed. Note: Not sure why the background of the text is white, but I can't seem to fix it without re-typing...sorry)

• This was Gow's quote early in the week when his team name was something dumb like Ray and Jimmy, Please Step Up: "With no SNF or MNF plays here, I feel sick with nerves already. Looking at Fred's roster only makes me feel more sick to my stomach." He then posted on the Gameday Thread very early on "Not a good start to the day, when your opponents #1 RB runs 80 yds on your favorite team's defense for a TD." Sure seems like Gow was Dirxing JoJo...
• Ok, JoJo has made the case numerous times on this blog that he got beaten numerous times because someone's defense went off against him. I went back and looked at the game logs and here are the games where a defense went for 15+ against him:
• Week 1 vs. Ned - 19 points from D - JoJo won
• Week 4 vs. Crapswell - 29 points from D - JoJo lost
• Week 5 vs. Coconuts - 15 points from D - JoJo lost
• Week 8 vs. Gow - 22 points from D - JoJo won (Gow only scored 60 total)
• Week 10 vs. Ned (Ned again!) - 28 points from D - JoJo won
• Now, there are some unusually strong defensive performances there, but the way JoJo talked about it, you'd think D's were scoring 30 points against him every week. He faced 15+ point defenses FIVE times, and actually went 3-2 in those matchups.
• In hindsight, that was a lot of needless analysis, but possibly interesting. Anyway, Gow got 41 points from Seattle D yesterday. 41. Total fantasy points. 41. Wow.
• He also got 37 points from the suddenly unstoppable Cam Newton. 78 total points from his QB and D. Insane.
• All of this overshadows Danario Alexander who scored 20 points for Gow too. What? Danario freaking Alexander. I so wish the Vikings had him right now...
• Gow is going to end up with the highest total team score of the entire season, this while Jimmy Graham gets him less than 4 points and Bryce Brown ran for 6 yards. That's an unbelievable day.
• Sorry for all the Gow love. JoJo's team played too.
• Drew Brees put up his second straight stinker at the worst possible time for JoJo.
• After that, JoJo's team actually played well. His only other letdown was Atlanta D, but everyone else contributed nicely and was in double digits (including his Kicker). He could easily end up with 120+ depending on what Andre Johnson does tonight, and it won't unfortunately won't matter. 
• Actually it's sad, because it's very likely that we'll wake up tomorrow and JoJo could have beaten either of the other 2 teams playing, but that's Fantasy Football. Gow will move on to face Coconuts in the semis.

Crabs vs. Crapswell

• This matchup was and still is much closer...
• QB's for both teams (Rodgers and Romo) failed to do much for either team. Rodgers especially let Andy down last night when he was hoping to narrow that gap going into MNF.
• Andy started the week very strong last Thursday netting 22 from Knowshon Moreno. I don't know if Crabs has NFL network, but you gotta believe he was throwing things at the TV that night. 
• If Crabs were to lose by less than 2 points this week, you can thank me. I advised him to sit McFadden in favor of Vick Ballard and that decision cost him exactly 2 points. I'm kinda wanting to root for this to play out.
• Dougie Martin found his mojo that had been missing for a month or so and scored 19 points for Crapswell, keeping his team afloat. After that, Andy's team pretty much straight sucked.
• Honestly when you look at the box score, it doesn't even seem right that Crapswell is within striking distance tonight. It sure seems like Crabs should have blown him out. But Crabs got disappointing performances from Leshoure and Gonzo, not to mention PIT defense net him 0 points, so here's where we stand...
• Crabs leads 96-81 with Gostkowski still playing. Andy counters with Welker and Hernandez. This is incredibly close. If Crabs can get 10 out of Gosty, that means Andy has to make up 25+ points from his 2 guys. Betting odds should favor Crabs, but this one is very much up in the air.
• And Andy is going to be in attendance tonight! He'll be cheering vapidly for his first ever FF Playoff win. 

Tonight

What a game we have in store tonight: Houston at New England. Now we're talking! Combined records of 20-4. Possible home field advantage on the line in the AFC. This is what a primetime game should look like.

Enjoy it. Because next week... you know 12/17 when we're all planning to show up... guess the game. In fact, try to think of the 2 worst possible teams to have on Monday night...  What would be the absolute most miserable game to watch....?

Jets.

Titans.

So, let's appreciate what we have tonight. A good and meaningful matchup. Hopefully the game lives up to the hype (it probably won't).

I'll be in attendance tonight. Hopefully you will be too.

Drive safely, boys. 

Week 14 (Playoffs Week 1) Gameday Thread

MOTHERFUCKER.

We're in a tight battle in my dad's league in the 1st round of the playoffs. Tighter than it should have been with Manning/Thomas not doing all that much and stupid McFadden getting 12 points.

And now, FUCKING BOB GOULD hurt himself in pregame warmups and now we don't have a kicker.

GODDAMMIT.

Good luck to the four of you playing today. Charles and AP are already having huge days...

Wednesday SUPER MEGA UPDATE: Back to Reality

Editors Note: First off, sorry the Monday Update is coming out on Wednesday. As I mentioned, it's getting much harder to keep these up each week, but I'm trying to stay committed to you guys.

Second, this is really long. There are lots of different sections and topics to get to here - this is a whole lot more than the standard weekly update. I want lots and lots of comments on this one because, as you will find, I spent a whole lot of time on it. I began work on Sunday night, and literally am finishing here on Wednesday afternoon, while working continuously both Monday and Tuesday nights. 

May I suggest this approach: comment as you read. Don't read everything all at once, and comment on one thing at the end. Read, form an opinion or response, comment, continue on. Repeat. 

I would love to shatter any previous commenting record we had because this is sort of a culmination for the entire season. I likely won't do another one like this for the rest of the year, possibly ever again. This took a lot of time. 

So please... sit back, read, comment, and above all else, enjoy.

Monday Update: Womp Womp

Sorry Gentlmen...

This is a post to tell you that the usual Monday Update probably won't be found here today.

My apologies for not having the Gameday Thread up yesterday. I was at my extended in-laws' holiday party...missing my Sunday Ticket/RedZone. They only had the regular games to watch. I felt like a hobo being stuck with BAL-PIT as my only viewing option in the afternoon.

And an even bigger apology for today. I sat down at 10:30pm last night intending to start the blog, and ended up falling asleep reading over box scores. Didn't type a single word.

And today, I thought I would have more time, but that is proving to not be happening as things continue to blow up and I'm leaving early. If I can get the Update out there today I will, but it's unlikely. I'd much rather put the proper amount of time into it than rush it.

So here's what I'm thinking... a Tuesday Mega-Update, complete with Regular Season Recaps, Power Rankings, Playoff Previews, plus the usual nonsense (I definitely want to cover the villain team names in greater detail).

The Games for this week lack drama going into tonight, especially as playoff spots are concerned. Kenny looks to be the odd man out. The rest of it is all about seeding. Coconuts will be #1, I'll be #2 no matter what happens with Whitebread tonight. Crabs, JoJo, and Gow could all mix it up in the 3-4-5 range, and Crapswell will be the last man in at #6.

It's a shame Dallus lost last week... Could have added a lot more drama tonight if JoJo happens to defeat Crapswell. But Andy is in either way because Kenny can't catch him in points.

Anyway, I have to get back to it... I won't be at MNF tonight, but should hopefully be at the next/last two.

Enjoy the game, boys.

Monday Update: Running Out of Gas

Gentlemen,

If I'm being honest, I really don't want to write this right now... It's Sunday night. I'm exhausted from the weekend*. I spent all day putting up TWO Christmas trees, fighting stupid  bullshit not-working lights every step of the way. And now I've got five busy days of work staring at me and I really would like to crawl into bed.

(Not to mention, I felt good going into the night game with Cobb and GB D, and instead they basically cancel each other out while Tynes runs away with the victory for Fred. Goddammit, now Coconuts is going to be in 1st, which is just sick and wrong.)

Alas... the season is almost over, especially for those of you with only one week left. It would be a waste to come this far and not finish. Although it appears that much of the drama has been removed from our final week of the season, it would be a shame not to cross the finish line with our heads held high. 

Fill up the tank once more, and let's close this thing out strong.

*No one tells you this, but those relaxing holiday breaks I used to look forward to don't exist anymore. With a kid, they're more tiring than going to work. And having to haul his ass all over town to see everyone is a big to-do. Me sleepy.

The Vikings

I've been on repeat here for a while. Ponder continues to play like shit and hasn't looked like the answer at QB since the first month of the season. He continues to regress and if it doesn't change, it's going to be a very interesting offseason for lots of people at Winter Park.

Ponder's not the only issue, but he's the biggest. I'm not one that is cutting him slack because of his lack of WR options. The QB makes the WR's, not the other way around. 

The Gophers

Watched zero of this game. Sounds like I spared myself.

Cracker's College Football Corner

Long questions coming today...

1. Let's just skip the game recap, unless you feel there is something to call out that is missing from the box score/columns. How should fans feel about this team at this point? Has progress been made, and if so, where?

They're better than last year but at this point we've shown that our defense can't hold up against power running teams and Nelson seems to have regressed the last few weeks (although in his defense, the best 3 defenses we faced all year were in the last 4 weeks of the season).  I still point to the fact that we're starting 9 underclassman on offense as a sign that things should get better.

2. Is Jerry Kill the right coach for this team right now? Between the UNC mess, the Barker situation, the seizures, and the lack of offensive growth (which I thought was supposed to be his bread and butter), the shine has worn off of our likable "aw shucks" head coach. And spare me the "it's only been 2 seasons" company line - is this the right guy to make us a better team?

I think you're overreacting.  You fire guys like Colorado coach Jon Embree after two years because they are 4-21 overall and 1-11 in year 2 including losses this year to DI-AA Sacramento State, a 55 point loss to Fresno State and an average margin of 48-17 in games against conference opponents with only two that were within 25 points.  In his first year he was outscored by an average of 17.5 in conference games; in year two he was outscored by an average of 30.7 in conference games.  Minnesota meanwhile improved their in-conference margin of defeat to 10.4 from 17.9 with the largest margin of defeat at 25 whereas last year we lost 4 conference games by more than 25. 

As for the things you mentioned as strikes against him, the "UNC mess" is just talk radio needing to find something to talk about.  Don't get me wrong, I'm annoyed by it because I wanted to go to Chapel Hill for the game but it doesn't reflect ability of a person to coach or progress of a team or program.  Paying the buyout is primarily a waste of money from donors and athletic department revenue which we were clearly willing to waste.  That is more on the AD agreeing to it than the coach asking for it.  The Barker situation also doesn't reflect coaching ability.  If you ask me it just reflects a combination of immaturity from a player combined with a coach doing a poor job of reading and managing a player's personality.  If Kill actually was found to have abused him beyond yelling at him it may be a different story.  His epilepsy and seizures were known when he was hired.  I don't think his medical condition is a fireable offense and while it has been a distraction his staff really hasn't seemed to skip a beat when dealing with it. 

The one things you mentioned that is actually coaching related (and fwiw Kill's specialty was defense rather than offense), yes, the offense has been anemic at times and only scored more than 20 once in conference games.  But as I mentioned we're starting 9 underclassmen including a true freshman QB.  When you do that you're going to take your lumps and that is especially true when facing a top 10 defense.  I'm not happy about the progress at certain points throughout the season or in the last two weeks in particular but I think you'll learn a lot about this team and the coaching staff in the bowl game when we hopefully have the chance to get some guys back healthy and get a lot more developmental type practices with younger players.  If you don't see improvement with 15 additional practices before the bowl game then you can sound alarms.

At some point in the future, Whitey and I may need a Point-Counterpoint debate integrated into this. While I trust him when it comes to being knowledgeable about the Gophers team (much more than me), one can't read this and not feel as though he's seeing the world through maroon and gold glasses.

To me, the UNC thing is more than just talk radio fodder (we can get into it at the bar tonight) and he and I will probably have to agree to disagree on it. I do agree that Barker's situation is more on him than the coach, but when you combine it with our horrible in-conference performances, and sprinkle in a couple seizures here and there, I don't see how it doesn't affect recruiting. To put it another way, it's certainly not going to help at all, so the best scenario is it has zero affect. And if you believe that to be the case, then you're an extreme optimist. When it comes to the Gophers, I certainly am not.

3. Alright, what craptastic bowl are we going to be in, and who are we playing? I'll buy you a beer if you get these right.

We will likely play in the Meineke Car Care Bowl in Houston although it could also be the Heart of Dallas Bowl.  I struggle to believe a bowl would pick a coachless Purdue team over Minnesota so my guess is Houston.  Likely opponents would be Baylor, Texas Tech or Iowa State.

4. So it's Notre Dame versus the Alabama-Georgia winner, yes? Does Notre Dame have a chance against either?

Unfortunately, yes, for the second straight year we have a BCS Championship game where we will be annoyed by either outcome and the fans that come with it.

Team Names

Kind of a fun week for team names. I've heard a lot of these, but some were new to me.

***VOTE IN SIDEBAR***

BEST: I'm going with Help Me Understand, mostly because it's widely used at TGT. And Kenny's description is 100% accurate. Also, I know I'm guilty of using it... "Help me understand what the fuck you're talking about. I don't speak idiot."

WORST: accronyms. First of all, spellcheck exists everywhere - take advantage of it. Second of all, while my company does attempt to abbreviate EVERYTHING, I really don't mind acronyms on most occasions. They're kinda like nicknames, which I'm in favor of.

What say YOU, boys?

Team Name Topic

This week's topic is a doozy from JoJo. Since this is the last regular season week, this is possibly the last week all ten of us participate, as many of you stop caring once you're out of it. In fact, this week could already be too late... but let's try.

A couple weeks ago, when I asked about ideas for team names, this was JoJo's response in the comments:

choose a movie villain that portrays your opponent. How can I better explain this? If I was playing Crabs this week, I would choose Jabba the Hut.

Sorry to whoever is playing Crabs this week, as JoJo has already stolen your thunder... This should be damn fun.

The Games

Three games are already final, and the other two are basically over... unless Gow can manage 50 points tonight. Here's the Cliff Notes version:

JoJo beats Jerks: 108-97

• Fuck you, Packers D.

Coconuts beats Crapswell: 115-71

• Juan is gaining confidence. He texted me last night basically saying "Hope you enjoyed your time in 1st Place."

K. Hana beats Dallus: 98.12-96.50

• Kenny's season was basically saved (and Dallus' ruined) on that crazy Ray Rice play. I'll let Dallus explain a little more below.

Crabs leads (and will beat) Whitebread: 96-69

• Whitey's season mercifully ends on the back of Ronnie Hillman.

Titwarmer leads Gow: 112-74

• Playing for pride, Ned puts Gow's season in jeopardy.
• Gow still has Cam Newton and something called Bryce Brown tonight.

Projected Standings

So given those results, where will we stand tomorrow, assuming Gow doesn't pull off a miracle?

Place	Team	Record	Points
1st	Coconuts	8-4	1268
2nd	Jerks	8-4	1242
3rd	JoJo	7-5	1194
4th	Crabs	7-5	1123
5th	Crapswell	6-6	1118
6th	K. Hana	6-6	1097
7th	Gow	6-6	1070
8th	Dallus	4-8	1137
9th	Ned	4-8	1081
10th	Whitebread	4-8	1019

A couple of notable changes here:

• As I alluded to earlier, we have a new leader. And unless I'm mistaken, it's the first time in the history of our league that Coconuts has sat in 1st place (not including after Week 1 or 2).
• Coconuts and I look to be the recipients of First Round Byes next week, but JoJo is certainly still in contention for one. If I lost and he managed to smoke my point total by about 50 or so, I'd be playing next week. The thought of that happening made me shart myself.
• JoJo and Crabs have assuredly locked up playoff spots at this point. Not sure if they'll get the fun * next to their names tomorrow, but they're effectively in at this point.
• Dallus, Ned, and Whitebread are all done. Or at least their chances of making the postseason are no more. The big battle now is avoiding the L'Ass'T Place Trophy. 
• And the most interesting piece of all this will be the fight for the final 2 playoff spots. Your contenders are: Crapswell, Kenny, and Gow. If they started today (or technically tomorrow), Gow would be out, assuming his massive comeback doesn't happen tonight. But this really all comes down to next week, so let's check the schedule...

***Update at 3:40pm CST***
I just realized something... Gow's point total is only 27 points behind Kenny. Thus, with just decent nights from Cam & Brown, he could actually leapfrog into 6th place, putting Kenny on the outside going into the final week. Either way, these two will be much closer in points, putting that much more pressure on next week's matchup.

Week 13 Schedule

• Jerks vs. Whitebread
• Crapswell vs. JoJo
• Coconuts vs. Kenny
• Gow vs. Crabs
• Dallus vs. Ned

So, what's that tell us? All three 6-6 teams have challenging matchups next week. Crapswell and Gow are going against two 7-5 teams who will be jockeying for playoff positioning and potentially fighting for a bye... And Kenny will square off against the 1st Place team, who is very much focused on ending the season on top of the leader board. 

An Obit for Dallus' Team 

by Dick Dallus

Per the texts I received yesterday...

This afternoon was a heartbreaking way to get knocked from playoff contention... had a 10 point buffer going against Crosby tonight until Sproles got 35 yards on a garbage 2nd to last play of the game.  

And San Diego couldn't stop the 4th and 29, which was followed by Torrey Smith getting 3 more points in OT. 

And the Jets scored a garbage time TD on Thursday that knocked 3 points from the Pats D. Ken truly J'd me on this one!

Tonight

I'll be there to watch this abortion of a game. 

If you like you're Eagles in primetime, get excited because they're on next Sunday night too. Nice Flex Game, NFl.

I'm hoping to have a Power Rankings post up later this week, so you can all dabble into the minutia and lame stats I keep record of.

Sorry for the lack of nonsense this week... I'll try to do better for Week 13. Like with Dallus' obit, the more fodder you can send me, the better. Links, texts complaining/bitching, stories, pictures funny stuff - I'll incorporate it all.

For example, here's a picture of young JoJo and McNally (before he got fat) playing Risk at Oxford:

See you tonight, boys.